My oldest boy is fifteen and was a real jerk about a month ago. He had gotten pretty full of himself and acted like he was too cool for the rest of the family. Pretty typical teenager behavior, but I didn't like it. I had gotten to the end of my patience with him and laid into him about how lousy it felt to be treated that way. We ended up in a huge fight. He argued that he wasn't acting any different than normal and that I was just choosing to see things negatively. So, I laid out numerous examples of his selfish "me me me" behaviors without stopping to take a second breath. He hates it when I go off like that, but once he was ready to really talk, I came down off of my soapbox. He was close to tears. Apparently, I'd hit a nerve. He confessed that his closest friends at school had been trying to tell him the same thing recently and he wasn't hearing them. Now he suddenly knew what it was they had been trying to say. He felt awful and began to make immediate changes in his behaviors towards others. He really hated the idea that he was hurting anyone's feelings by being cold and uncaring.
We talked a lot that night about how family sort of has to put up with each other. Family is always there for you. Family can embarrass you and you still have to acknowledge them in public. Family can and will scream at you until you finally get the point that you're being a jerk. You really don't have much choice over who your family is.
Friends, on the other hand, are a gift that you give yourself. Friends don't have to put up with your attitudes if they don't want to. Friends can leave you hanging if you're not very nice towards them. Friends aren't friends for very long if you're embarrassing them in public. Friends usually won't scream at you to get their point across. You handpick your friends to be something different and special. They aren't quite the same as family.
In order to have friends, you have to be a friend. Do you listen to them? Do you care for them? Do you encourage them? You have to give a lot of yourself to be a good friend to someone. But in the end, you are the one who benefits the most. It's not about becoming some kind of martyr without any personal needs or thoughts towards your own well-being. It's more about nurturing a cherished relationship. That way, you have a dear friend to hang out with when your family is driving you bonkers. You have someone to laugh and play with. You have someone safe to share your hopes and dreams with. You have someone to talk to who isn't going to blab to the rest of the family that you think your mom is an overbearing control freak or that your stepfather isn't turning out to be your idea of what a dad could be.
Through our discussions that night, we were able to tap into what was it about my son that made him such a great guy to hang out with over the years. It was his ability to genuinely care about others and his intuitive compassion for everyone that made him more than just popular, but a real friend to all. He's the kind of guy who always sticks up for the smaller kids and looks after the lost children. Once I reminded him of who he used to be, he realized how much of his focus had turned inwards towards himself instead of outwards towards those whom he cared about. He said that he'd gotten so wrapped up in his new cool friends and in his public image at school that he hadn't even understood what his old friends were talking about when they said he was cold and uncaring now. Turning his attention inwards had caused him to alienate many of his closest friends and family. Now he suddenly felt very much alone in the world. Luckily, it hadn't been happening for very long before I'd blown up at him and made him look at it. He was able to quickly readjust back into the caring person he used to be and was able to feel loved and supported by his friends and family again. He passionately dove back into his friendships.
He learned that you can treat your brother like garbage and he's always your brother and you will have to see each other at family gatherings whether you ever learn to be close or not. Friends on the other hand, can and will walk out of your life if you are cold and uncaring towards them. Family will eventually just shrug their shoulders and excuse your self-absorbed behavior as just the way you are, friends won't. I find it's the friendships that we love and nurture like family that last forever as if they were family. And, it's the family members that we love and nurture like friends that we form the strongest and closest bonds with.
They say that we learn our social skills from our siblings, but I'm not so sure about that anymore. My stepmother wasn't a very nurturing type and when we were younger my sister and I were not very close. So through my girlfriends, I got that female connection that I just couldn't get from my family. My girlfriends became my surrogate family and taught me a lot about how to really be there for someone else. My sister and I have only recently become friends in the last few years. We are forming a different kind of bond then what we had when we were children. It's much better now. I would never treat my friends the way I used to treat my sister!
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
About The Author
Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to life in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. Go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net to read more of her articles and to get a free preview of one of her books.
Mommy (Daddy), Why do those people want to hurt everyone?Last... Read More
All babies cry, but if yours cries a lot, isn't... Read More
My husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter who wanted... Read More
'Whose room is it anyway?'If you have a teenager, you're... Read More
Jason Roberts listened to his son's explanation of the missing... Read More
If your child is to derive the benefits of physical... Read More
Checking accounts are an absolute necessity these days. You can... Read More
Have you made your usual New Year resolutions? You know... Read More
Moms, did you ever question your value as a role... Read More
Child tantrums are a way for children to express their... Read More
Early childhood educators have called play "children's work". Many parents... Read More
An apology is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes... Read More
Teenagers are a work-in-progress, and parenting teenagers can be tricky... Read More
It's the third time this week that Sam has complained... Read More
Graphology for Child development.:- Graphology is the science of understanding... Read More
Back to school preparations are in full-swing. Soon, the first... Read More
Teri was 5. As younger siblings do, she looked up... Read More
Q: My husband and I are at a loss as... Read More
Working with adults (as well as children and teens) for... Read More
WHEN AN INJURY HAPPENS AT CAMP, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED... Read More
Rule #1 Make Every Bite Count!Everything your child eats should... Read More
A learning disability is defined as a permanent problem that... Read More
If you had to spend 4 or 5 hours in... Read More
Be aware. You may become totally overwhelmed when you get... Read More
When David was nine and Laura was twelve, the battles... Read More
If you're looking for toys that are both fun to... Read More
Have you ever sat and watch a child struggle with... Read More
Do you praise your child when he fulfils a basic... Read More
Family meetings provide opportunities for feelings to be aired and... Read More
I had just completed a session with 17-year old Julie... Read More
Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children... Read More
Q. We just got our daughter's progress report, and it... Read More
Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care... Read More
Plus size children and overweight children need patterns and clothing... Read More
I know this Mom. She homeschools her 5 children, plus... Read More
It was blisteringly hot last Saturday. As I took that... Read More
One fantastic way to get your children involved in what... Read More
Most parents at some stage are driven to distraction by... Read More
Vouchers, which give tax money to parents to pay for... Read More
Dear Camille,As I thumb through the photographs that I carry... Read More
There is little doubt that reading, 'riting and 'rithmetic are... Read More
"Hugging is healthy: it helps the body's immunity system, it... Read More
Sitting by her Pinocchio lamp, she smiled at me as... Read More
How would you like to have a closer relationship with... Read More
When my oldest boy was really young, he tickled my... Read More
If you're looking for toys that are both fun to... Read More
Just the other day my oldest son asked:"Daddy, am I... Read More
It's back to school time again. Does the thought of... Read More
Saying no to our children is not always easy or... Read More
Seven-year old Michael was on a school trip to a... Read More
1. Encourage Questions.Don't answer every question, instead ask what do... Read More
It happens every year. Just when you are settled in... Read More
The hot new reality TV show "Nanny 911" has been... Read More
Here are ten simple pleasures you can enjoy with your... Read More
Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children in the United... Read More
How can two or three children in the same family... Read More
For troubled teens who are struggling with drug abuse, depression... Read More
There's a phrase that's become popular over the past few... Read More
Everyone knows that exercise is good for your health. Exercising... Read More
"Where did he come up with that?" Kids often amaze... Read More
In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of... Read More
The wonderful adaptability of children in dealing with the challenges... Read More
Past experience with federal education programs predicts that the No... Read More
I know as a single parent or even with 2... Read More
In the wonderment of childhood, it is easier for a... Read More
One of my first memories of childhood is that of... Read More
Parenting |