Why Wont My Child Do as I Say?

In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is "My child won't listen!" Repeated attempts in trying to get a child to co-operate often lands on deaf ears and leaves parents feeling exhausted and helpless. Frequently we say things we later regret and become riddled with guilt. Usual attempts often include nagging, yelling, spanking, time out, lecturing and threats. Despite consistently not getting the results we're looking for, we resort to the same methods time and time again. We usually use what we were taught to use by our own parents. Although we often resolve to ourselves that we will do things differently and not resort to some of their methods of parenting, we do. It seems to be automatic. This is not intended to be an article about blaming our parents, rather an understanding of why we do what we do and provide some alternative responses. There were no parenting courses for our parents and they all did the best they knew how.

Consider for a moment your own internal response when someone you know demands that you do something or that you to stop doing something. For the most part, we instantly become defensive and decide that we'll do as we please. We feel robbed of our power and control. We often feel attacked and want to attack back. Children have the same internal response when we use a hostile tone of voice and demand that something be stopped or that something be accomplished.

Simply by rephrasing our request and using a more positive tone we can often get the result we're looking for. If children don't feel attacked there is less of a need to become defensive and if they feel they can hold on to some power there is less of a need to gain power. "Stop that right now!!" can be rephrased to: "As soon as you stop doing that, I'll know you're ready to go the park." "Pick up your toys right now or they're all going into the garbage!!!" can be changed to: "I need you to pick up your toys before you watch your program. I can help. Do you want to pick up the lego or the cars?" "Get into the car right now!!!" can be changed to: "We need to go out in the car now. What toy do you want to bring with you?" When attempting to get your child to pick up toys, without raising your voice you can try saying: "As soon as you've put your train set away, I'll know you're ready for your snack." Also, a "no!" response to a child can often be turned into a "yes". "Can I have a cookie?" Instead of saying no you can say: "Yes, as soon as we get home, or as soon as you've finished your lunch, or later this afternoon?" Nagging and lecturing as a way to engage a child is almost guaranteed to evoke a defiant response. It's seen as a form of attack which makes us all; young and old respond defensively.

Children will learn to respect us more when we show respect towards them. They also learn how to show respect towards others. Do you sometimes hear yourself when overhearing your child playing with another child? I've often heard parents say: "Oh my gosh! She sounds just like me!" Often times, we don't like what we hear but we can choose to use what we hear out of our of children's mouths as an opportunity to make some positive changes to our parenting. Children are great mimics. If we want them to treat others respectfully, we first of all have to model respect.

By no means does this mean allowing them to do as they please or condoning unacceptable behavior. They need strongly defined limits but within those limits we need to allow them to make acceptable choices. Strongly defined limits means establishing simple, enforceable rules, deciding on appropriate consequences for misbehaviors and following through, and being consistent.

Barbara Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach
http://www.theparentingcoach.com
604-524-1783
barb@theparentingcoach.com

---

From Childrens Stories to Study Skills: Help Your Children Succeed in School

IntroductionAs a parent who wants the best for your children,... Read More

Hearing Our Seriously Distressed Children

How do we deal with our seriously distressed children and... Read More

Patterns For Plus Size Children

Plus size children and overweight children need patterns and clothing... Read More

Picky Eaters - Successful Strategies Part 1

What is in a name?The answer is everything!Jo J. of... Read More

Give Your Child the Gift of Self-Esteem

Much has been said about the "gifted child" but in... Read More

They Call it Puppy Love

My son is 6 yrs old. He came home the... Read More

Why Mother?s Day is Important For Children

Mother's Day is important for children.This Mother's Day take note... Read More

Mommies and Me Special Time

Creating and making special memories with your child is very... Read More

Top Ten Things My Six Year-Old Son Has Taught Me (So Far...)

I've learned numerous, important lessons on life, motherhood and men... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Are Sleep Overs with the Opposite Sex OK?

Q. Our 17-year-old son wants us to let his girlfriend... Read More

Homework Doesn?t Have to Be a Battle of Wills

Homework. It doesn't have to be a daily battle of... Read More

Parental Involvement in Learning

Whether children attend public or private schools, they benefit when... Read More

Peer Pressure - Five Ways to Help Teenagers Beat Peer Influence

Young people generally want to fit in to their various... Read More

Homeschooling ? Is It Worth It?

Suppose that you rearrange your life to homeschool your child... Read More

Math Facts - Try Some Fun Ways to Learn Them

Memorizing math facts is a necessary part of elementary school.... Read More

Book Review: The Ring Bear Depicts Turmoil of Becoming A Stepchild

In "The Ring Bear," a picture book by Tigard resident... Read More

Registering a Birth in Scotland

Who Can Register A Birth? The child's mother... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: 4 Traps to Avoid

4 traps to avoidTrap 1 - Parents need to realize... Read More

Honey I Can?t Afford The Kids

Sex has a lot to answer for ? babies usually... Read More

Stress is No Kiddy Matter

Kids today no longer live the kind of privileged lives... Read More

How to Get Your Children Brand Free

Those of you that have children know what an excursion... Read More

Watch Your Language! - How Parents Can Help Kids Help Themselves

'I felt great until I walked into the classroom -... Read More

Top Five Ways To Stay In Touch With Your Child

Once your little boy/girl goes off to school, you may... Read More

Children are People, Not Machines

When growing up, my father frequently reminded me to "pay... Read More

The Effects of Televised Sexual Content on Adolescents

According to a September 2004 study by the RAND Corporation,... Read More

The Ten Most Common Poisons Among Kids

For parents, keeping our kids safe is a constant top... Read More

Illegal and Legal Drug Usage in the United States

How bad is the illegal drug problem here in the... Read More

Children, Entitlement and God

"Setting the alarm on Sunday mornings is inhuman?..God should know... Read More

Partnering With Your Daycare or Preschool

For the most positive daycare experience for your child, partner... Read More

Son, Can I Use The Car Tonight?

I recall somewhere in the recesses of my aging brain... Read More

The POWER of Reading

Reading to your child at a young age is one... Read More

Going Out to a Restaurant with Kids

Dining in a restaurant with kids can be very enervating... Read More

Speaking on Behalf of Our Children: Stop Blaming the Victims

How many times have you flipped through the pages of... Read More