My daughters and I went to the beach several weeks ago. They were having a blast playing in the freezing cold water as I tiptoed around the waves, trying to keep my feet from becoming frost bitten. Next to us in the water was a mother with her daughter who was no more than 18 months old. This woman was holding her frightened little girl hostage in the ocean as the bitter cold waves crashed into her and rushed back with a fierce undertow. The poor child was screaming and crying, begging to be rescued from the torture. Her mother thought this was amusing. She laughed at her baby's fear and grinned at everyone around her. I was disgusted and horrified. I finally told the mother that I didn't find the situation at all funny. I have no idea if my words had any impact. By then, my own kids had finally remembered they had nerve endings and were shivering uncontrollably, begging for the warmth of their dry towels and warm sweatshirts. We left the water's edge and the sickening site of mother traumatizing baby.
Did this mother realize she was probably investing her daughter with an irrational fear of the ocean? I doubt it.
When I see a parent forcing a child to tolerate something potentially fear inducing, it curdles my blood. This child was traumatized and her mother was not helping her escape the offensive waves. She was the cause of her child's trauma. Where is the trust in this relationship? Will this little girl grow up believing that her mother will always be there for her or resent her mom for belittling her sensitivities? I think the latter.
I dread thinking about all the ways this child will, in turn, torture her mother without realizing why. Will she try drugs or alcohol at an early age? Will she indulge in promiscuous sexual behavior at an inappropriate time? Will she be so anesthetized to her self-worth that she drives her first car into a wall at 18? Could be.
In my opinion, this mother is treating her baby with disrespect at the most basic level. Instinctual fear is not something we should laugh at our toddler for having, thereby teaching her that her feelings and natural fear of big looming ice cold waves or any other potentially frightening fact of life is dismissed as meaningless. To this child, Mom is saying her whole existence is disdained, her feelings don't matter and her mother is not there to protect her but to throw her into the pits of hell for her own amusement.
I've seen this happen at amusement parks, playgrounds and schools. No matter what your child is afraid of, respect his fear, acknowledge his trepidation of the unknown and understand that with compassion and tolerance, he will overcome these basic, natural fears with time and maturity. Some children are more sensitive than others. You might have a child who embraces adventure and roller coasters with passion or a child who is horrified by a small slide at the park. This is your baby. No matter what you think they should be feeling, they have their own wiring. They're going to move at their own internal pace. Let's respect and honor that pace which in turn shows our child that we respect and honor him. This sets a healthy foundation for self-esteem and self-respect, which is so very important for our children to function at their best in the world.
Copyright ? 2000-2005- Rexanne Mancini
Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com ? http://www.rexanne.com -Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne's Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html
Coping with a child's bad behavior, perhaps more than any... Read More
In our last issue we posted some of our suggested... Read More
For first time parents choosing a swing set or outdoor... Read More
One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More
According to a September 2004 study by the RAND Corporation,... Read More
Even as a busy parent, I'm sure you've seen a... Read More
Q. Our 17-year-old son wants us to let his girlfriend... Read More
The back-to-school shopping is done. Brand new pencils, colored markers,... Read More
Most of us really don't like it when someone is... Read More
To protect children's self-esteem or deflect complaints by parents, many... Read More
'How can I start getting my children to help out... Read More
Life is funny.My twenty-year-old daughter, Melanie, has a her new... Read More
Let's face it: raising children can be quite the adventure.... Read More
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think... Read More
For many adults, reading a book or newspaper seems effortless.... Read More
Here's some of the bad news about sedentary lifestyles:? Forty... Read More
The advances in science over the past century have been... Read More
When choosing the perfect jogging stroller, a very important question... Read More
More and more parents are expressing their concerns about how... Read More
The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty... Read More
They Spur Members To Grow EmotionallyTatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a... Read More
Teaching kids to deal with conflict effectively and peacefully is... Read More
"It takes a village to raise a child" is more... Read More
The small, lilac colored hexagonal box, with Winnie the Pooh... Read More
Creating and making special memories with your child is very... Read More
How can two or three children in the same family... Read More
Every week I write something about the stock market -... Read More
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who... Read More
Why are more people, especially parents not outraged?I call it... Read More
Everyone needs friends, and, as parents, you and I both... Read More
Research published by University of Rochester neuroscientists C. Shawn Green... Read More
What you say and do about money has a profound... Read More
IntroductionAs a parent who wants the best for your children,... Read More
The older my daughter gets the more it's sinking in... Read More
"I don't know and I don't care."I've heard those words... Read More
Moms, did you ever question your value as a role... Read More
She slipped her small, soft eight-year-old hand into mine. Her... Read More
Whenever parents discuss how to deal with bed wetting, the... Read More
School authorities often complain that classes are too large. They... Read More
It can be said that any man who procreates is... Read More
I wanted to share with you one of the most... Read More
Vouchers, which give tax money to parents to pay for... Read More
It used to strike me as odd - but really,... Read More
Many parents struggle with solutions to put their child on... Read More
Ritalin is a good medication with a bad reputation. Its... Read More
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With... Read More
Recently, a parent came to me, conflicted over whether to... Read More
Are you a parent concerned about passing values on to... Read More
Having a babysitter take care of your kids is sometimes... Read More
Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More
While on a recent trip to the grocery store, I... Read More
It is hard to believe that summer is coming to... Read More
Paula's last child had just gone off to college and... Read More
Until about the age of six, children do not generally... Read More
Q. We recently caught our son smoking pot, and we... Read More
Having been a parent educator and a PBS consultant for... Read More
Checking accounts are an absolute necessity these days. You can... Read More
Reading is the most important skill that a child must... Read More
You are sitting with the professionals who know about learning... Read More
Having a high level of emotional intelligence in your children... Read More
Q. "What do you want to be when you grow... Read More
Q. With another school year starting, we are not sure... Read More
"Before every action, ask yourself: Will this bring more monkeys... Read More
Little Suzy has really been having a hard time getting... Read More
One of the most prevalent problems of the computer age... Read More
"Home Schooling ? Look Before You Leap"Are you considering home... Read More
Parenting |