Impaired Judgment

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 23, 2002

My husband has a twofold addiction problem, drinking and drugs. In the six years we have been married, he has had periods of sobriety, but they don't ever last. I feel he has not confronted the underlying problem: he was molested as a child by a family member.

He is currently in jail due to getting drunk and hitting a police car. Before we met he had an arrest history for violent crime, but he was never violent with me. He has a good core to him, as well as a feeling of worthlessness. When things are good they are very good, and you know the rest of the saying.

Al-Anon does not appeal to me. There are too many victims. I will not bail him out or give him money. He knows I feel he has to face the music. Luckily I am financially able to take care of myself, but I wonder if this marriage can ever be saved.

I am nearing the end of my patience with him. I refuse to allow him to make more excuses. My feeling is you always have a choice in what action you take. You do not have to be a drug addict. I don't want to kick a man when he is down, but I'm very tired.

Emmy Lou

Emmy Lou, you are not kicking a man when he is down. You have done nothing but try to help. Now it is time to decide on your best course of action and what your life will be.

Sometimes helping someone, in the sense of protecting them from consequences, is exactly what they don't need. Consequences are the only thing which will make them change, because they won't change until the worst that can happen, happens.

If you are drawn to individual counseling for yourself, then by all means do it. It may offer you an opportunity to talk about how you got into a relationship with someone under the influence of drugs and alcohol. How do you have a genuine relationship with someone who is chemically impaired?

No one can make your husband change until he is ready. That may be long after he is out of your life.

Wayne & Tamara

Determination

Tell me what to do when your own mother can't stop screaming at you, when you know what she's saying has nothing to do with you. The worst thing is she knows it, too, but she still screams.

Being a vent for her is not what I want. No one would want that kind of anger in their life. I hate it, but I'm turning into her. I scream the same way she does, except I do it when no one is around.

Cate

Cate, one day a man with a problem dog went to see a monk who was a dog trainer. It seems whenever the man moved toward any doorway, his dog bolted through ahead of him.

The monk and the man talked as the dog lay beside them. Down a hill, a short distance away, was a gate. The monk asked the man to get up and walk toward the gate. The dog raced to the gate, and the monk called the man back.

Again and again the man was directed to walk toward the gate. Each time when the dog ran before him, the monk called the man back. Each time the dog made less effort to follow. Finally the man reached the gate and went through as the dog watched. In this way, the monk broke the dog's habit.

Each time your mother screams at you for no reason, walk away. When your mother realizes what happens when she screams, her behavior will change. When you realize you have power over the situation, you won't need to scream. At that point, the two of you can begin to talk.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

The One Thing You Really Want

There is one thing you want...My guess is you want... Read More

Eight Choices You Can Make Today that Will Change Your Life Forever

The direction of our lives is determined by the choices... Read More

Are YOU Ready for Bonza Bottler Day?

BONZA BOTTLER DAY is any day when the date and... Read More

An Unquenched Thirst

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 9,... Read More

Favorite Quotations... What Do They Say About Us?

Have you stopped to think what your favorite quotes are... Read More

How I Made $10,000 In One Day By Swimming Underwater!

"Without health, life is not life; it is only a... Read More

Live After 40

"For man, as a specie, and unlike other inhabitants of... Read More

There Is Always Room For Improvement

When I was twelve my parents bought me a five... Read More

Tranquility

It's all in the mind- your mind.It's not brought about... Read More

Its The Journey, Not The Destination

Don't you just hate clichés like the one illustrated in... Read More

Everyone Has Been Hurt...Part 1

I want to share some things with you that I... Read More

Journaling for Two

Journaling is a powerful tool that can enhance our lives... Read More

A Path To Peace

The root of discord and violence between people and nations... Read More

Today is Yesterdays Tomorrow

The problem with waiting until tomorrow is that when it... Read More

Take Action and Make a Better World

Albert Einstein is quoted as having said, "the world is... Read More

Material Girl

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 16,... Read More

Attaining Financial Freedom

Financial freedom is not about having enough money to spend... Read More

Don?t Let the Boogeyman Steal Your Dreams

The boogeyman lurking in the closet scares the bejesus out... Read More

Your Self-Image - How Is It Working for You?

"All that you desire or require is already on your... Read More

Put To The Sword

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 23,... Read More

Lesson Learned

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 9,... Read More

A Cat In The Hand Is Worth Two Birds In The Bush!

I bought this computer just over two years ago with... Read More

The Serpents Genesis 1 and 2

Not long after the beginning a being fell from the... Read More

Are You Tired of Being Stuck?

All you want is a little more.More money, more love,... Read More

Using Failure to Further Your Future

"You may have to fight a battle more than once... Read More

Without Love

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 30,... Read More

Recognize the Perfect Realtor

As soon as you have launched a strong desire, the... Read More

A Pickup Line

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 11,... Read More

Create Your Own Self Esteem - Part 1

Self-esteem is something that we all wish we had more... Read More

Make Mistakes! Its Okay - Really!

When you fall, do you get right back up? Do... Read More

Have You Been Lucky In Life?

Each moment in life, "lucky" or "unlucky", is to be... Read More

Tighten Your Connection

It was my first and last experience with a pneumatic... Read More

The Art of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a critical element in becoming self actualized and... Read More