Forgiveness is a critical element in becoming self actualized and fully loving. Forgiving is the process by which you let go of feeling victimized or having wronged others. It allows you to climb out of the dark well of anger, bitterness, or guilt into which you can easily fall.
In a busy life, you are frequently confronted with opportunities to forgive others as well as yourself. With others, you cope with mild frustrations like the delivery person who shows up late, or with more severe transgressions like the friend who tells your secrets. With these events, forgiving is hindered if the behavior violates your basic sense of what is "right" or fair, or how you think people "should" behave. When someone wrongs you, your anger can be empowering as you prepare to defend your principles and "fight the good fight." Or, you may believe that forgiveness is possible only if the other person admits to the wrongdoing. All of these attitudes are unhealthy when rigidly maintaining your anger and sense of victimization.
It is also frequently necessary to forgive yourself, since you regularly evaluate your own behaviors, some of which may not meet your own standards Forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving others if you tend to judge yourself more harshly than others with a perfectionist style that doesn't permit mistakes. You may pride yourself on high standards for your own conduct. Or, you may believe that only God has the right to forgive you. These beliefs encourage poor self-esteem and the corrosive effects of guilt.
In Stepping Stones: 10 Steps to Seizing Passion and Purpose, the process of forgiving is described as APEX healing. It begins with Acknowledging the reality of the situation without distortion or denial. Then, you give yourself Permission to feel whatever is real and congruent with your thoughts about the event and the person responsible. Label your specific feelings and their actual intensity; don't label yourself as upset or irritated when you're really angry. Whenever possible try to Empathize with the person who committed the transgression; put yourself in their position and imagine how you might have done something similar. If you are considering self-forgiveness, remember what was going on with you at the time of the incident, not merely in hindsight. Ultimately, you can explore strategies for forgiveness.
To forgive others, you might consider the behavior as a one-time aberration; focus on the behavior, not the outcome; minimize the importance of the consequences; or minimize how much you think about the event. To forgive yourself, you can give yourself permission to make mistakes; promise yourself not to repeat the behavior; or vow to learn from the event. In some cases, it can be helpful to write a letter of forgiveness.
The process of forgiveness can last anywhere from a few seconds to years. It is the ultimate stress management solution in a civilization with a rapidly accelerating pace and increasingly complex lifestyle. It allows you to choose your paths, your present, and your future.
About The Author
Dr. Tim Sams is the author of Stepping Stones: 10 Steps to Seizing Passion and Purpose; the book is available through his web site: http://www.mysacredjourney.com/bookstore.htm and at all online bookstores.
Dr. Sams is a University of Michigan graduate who interned at the Long Beach VA Medical Center. He is a diplomate of the American Academy of Pain Management and the American College of Forensic Medicine. He originally trained as a medical and health psychologist with specialty training in behavioral medicine, the melding of medicine and psychology, mind and body. Though he had taken dozens of classes in biology, anatomy, and physiology, over time his clinical passion for alleviating physical pain blossomed and he obtained a Master's of Science with emphasis on the medical basis of orthopedic, neurologic, and myofascial pain. He is a frequent lecturer on pain management throughout the United States. He authored the most comprehensive patient pain manual scheduled for release in June, 2005. He writes a free, biweekly newsletter called Advances in Medicine that you can sign up for on this website. Dr. Tim is a motivator and a teacher; a caring soul who believes that humor is one of the best weapons against pain; that and really good drugs.
Dr. Tim has multiple offices in Southern California, consulting to a few dozen pain physicians and hundreds of primary care physicians and orthopedic surgeons. He spends one day a week in his office educating patients at http://www.MyPainReliefDoc.com.
He lives and plays in Orange County, California with his wife Lari and his daughter, Leah. He spends most of his non-family free time jogging, swimming, reading, or writing.
Copyright 2004. Dr. Tim Sams. All rights reserved.
Have you ever thought? What inspires YOU? What is it... Read More
I've always loved the awesome majesty of mountains. They are,... Read More
In old buildings there was a boiler room where men... Read More
How many times have you found yourself dreaming you were... Read More
A reader asks: "Many times in my life I have... Read More
I have a question for you.Who are you?This may be... Read More
"Some people call the still, small voice insight or intuition?Our... Read More
Here's the great challenge of life - You can have... Read More
I tremble at the thought that millions of people suffer... Read More
In Corrogue I receive a gift of love.I awake to... Read More
Don't you just hate clichés like the one illustrated in... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 21,... Read More
Michael Vick can do wonders on a football field, but... Read More
In Corrogue I am amazedI rise by the light of... Read More
What Inspires You? What motivates you to get up in... Read More
Resistance is not a new word, but for many of... Read More
Some people live in and talk about the past so... Read More
I am sitting before a window of morning light "losing... Read More
The Thorns of Opportunity...What are you trying so hard to... Read More
We have all experienced the blowing winds of disappointment, despair... Read More
What kind of bad habits do you struggle with? Most... Read More
Can we love our bodies? As the years go by,... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 20,... Read More
The problem with this is that fantasies usually don't come... Read More
It's funny how an acquaintance from the past just pops... Read More
Once upon a time, in ancient India, a beggar favored... Read More
Do you ever need to have your batteries "re-charged", or... Read More
A second on your lips forever on your hips never... Read More
Two-year-old Owen goes to speech therapy twice a week. The... Read More
Everyone wants a blue ribbon. Blue. First place. The best.... Read More
I have always rather envied those people who have a... Read More
Riding a rush, being juiced, flying high-this is the feeling... Read More
In today's fast-paced life, the wins usually go to those... Read More
Confident Expectation! The feeling of 'confidence' is the assurance that... Read More
Being the last of three daughters, I was a suprise... Read More
"We come equipped with everything we need to experience a... Read More
What are the odds of someone doing extraordinary things if... Read More
Over the years I've learned to challenge my audiences to... Read More
Many people feel they have everything they need in life,... Read More
This week is Part Four of our five part series... Read More
continued.....Then onto my teen years. My mom had a few... Read More
When we talk about the Enchanted Self we are referring... Read More
What is essential in your life? This question contains one... Read More
It has been six months since I left the corporate... Read More
Sacred space, sacred timeBelieve in your personal power, retrieve if... Read More
In old buildings there was a boiler room where men... Read More
Whenever we are working on our dreams we are going... Read More
Have you ever been encountered with a trauma in life... Read More
So much has been written about success that one often... Read More
As I write this Southern California has just ended its... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 26,... Read More
He was pushing a cart containing crates of soft drinks... Read More
"You can't harvest what you don't sow. So plant your... Read More
The volatile essences of aromatic plants contain potent, complex, natural... Read More
I've spoken with many people who, over time, have felt... Read More
The other night I was watching a documentary on that... Read More
There are many ways we can increase our own personal... Read More
We all assume that making choices is a simple process.... Read More
A near middle-aged man in one of my last workshops... Read More
My eldest son phoned me the other night to let... Read More
Fear is deeply rooted in uncertainty. Think about it; the... Read More
"It's better to give than to receive." You've probably heard... Read More
Have you or do you know someone who has been... Read More
Today, August 22, 2005, I am clean and sober for... Read More
Even if you are not a cat person, bear with... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 3,... Read More
Inspirational |