If I Hurt You, Then Im Sorry

This statement has stopped many a war in my house. My oldest two children are two years apart in age and would fight about everything and nothing when they were little. One would anger the other and then deny that it ever happened. One would accidentally harm the other during play and not want to accept responsibility for the other's anger. Seldom did a day pass by that one of them wasn't screaming at the other for some horrible crime. It never failed when I would be brought in to mediate, they'd both claim they were innocent and the other was bad. How many times did one of them try to convince me that the other was lying and just trying to frame them for a crime they didn't commit. What's a parent to do?

I really believe very strongly in teaching my kids to be accountable for their actions and choices. I want them to have their eyes wide open and to know full well that when they make a bad choice, bad things are likely to happen. And when they make good choices, that good things are likely to happen. I've worked really hard to get them to grasp the concept that if you treat people badly, they won't like you. Also, don't mess with other people's stuff without asking. Doesn't matter if you are a beautiful child of God. Nobody will want to hang out with you. Simple facts of life, but I don't see it being taught as much as I'd like. They say that we learn our social skills from our siblings and the neighborhood kids. We role model what our parents show us, but we practice it on our peers.

One of the things I hated most in my own childhood was being forced to apologize for things I didn't do. I also hated being forced to apologize when I was simply defending my person or my property from a known attacker, mainly my younger sister and brother. I have also had too many adults in my life apologize for things they were not sorry for and then later they just repeat the same actions over and over again. When people say they're sorry, I often think to myself, "Good then don't do it again." Changing the behavior is so much more important to me then just offering up the words, "I'm sorry." I wanted to teach my children that you should never offer fake apologies and you should only apologize when you really mean it. However, I also wanted them to take responsibility for the environment of anger that they were helping to create. Somehow I had to find the perfect peace-making face-saving way to teach all of these concepts.

What I finally stumbled across was a twisted compromise. When you are feeling falsely accused of something and the other person won't back down, then you simply say, "If I hurt you, then I'm sorry." Then you bite your tongue, hard. Don't say another word. Don't snicker and don't sneer. Just say it straight faced and let it go at that. You can tell yourself that since you did NOT hurt them, you are NOT sorry. They can tell themselves that you are sorry since they feel that you did hurt them. You don't actually confess to any crimes. Besides what if on some level without knowing it, you did hurt them in some way? Wouldn't you want to have said sorry for at least that tiny part? Soon peace began to show itself at my house. They would both smugly tell themselves that they had won the war of the day. I would get the much needed peace and tranquility that I needed.

It didn't take long at all for me to see that this statement works just as well in the adult world too. Try it at work on a coworker some time and see how well they respond. Try it in your marriage. Try it with your extended family. It works on so many different levels. It can be said in light disagreements or in major all out family wars. It always works. On some level you mean it, except for the parts where you don't. Don't get into arguing over exactly what parts of the fight you are sorry for or taking blame for. Agree not to bicker over the details of the apology. You can expand it to say, "If during our disagreement, I have said or done anything that has hurt you, I am sorry. That was not my intention. I never wanted to hurt you." You are not lying and you are offering an olive branch. You really did not want to hurt the other person. You simply wanted to make your point. This allows you to save face but still begin the healing process. Try it sometime.

I don't think it works for really heinous things like rape, murdering someone's loved one, arson, or all out military warfare. It only works for forgivable stuff. If you believe everything and everyone is forgivable, then you can try saying it, but I expect nobody will really buy into it. If Hitler said it to the Jewish peoples or Charles Manson said it to his victims' families, I doubt seriously that it would have created any real peace. When something truly ugly happens, you do have to flat out admit full guilt and a full real apology is mandatory before real forgiveness and healing can even begin to occur.

This form of apology isn't for that sort of thing. This is meant only for the hundreds of petty squabbles that we get drawn into and it's a way to create a general atmosphere of peace and healing. This is for the people that you ultimately want to stay close to. This is an apology for those annoying people that you love with all your heart, but don't want to fight with anymore.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge

About The Author

Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, soulmates, and parenting. Her books, articles, and astrological forecasts have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. To read more of her articles and to sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net. To download free previews of her books, go to www.SkyeThomas.com.

Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net

---

All Is Going Well?

The true test in life does not occur when all... Read More

Your Inner Wisdom -- Crouching Ego, Hidden Guru

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a spiritual counselor... Read More

My Favorite Movies Journal

The movies--what a wonderful way to spend an afternoon! I... Read More

Charge Your Imagination (3)

As we progress into the year, it is necessary for... Read More

Listening to Your Heart!

Trying to predict stock price movements is necessary, of course.... Read More

Careful What You Wish For...

I have always been fascinated by the concept of "wishing.",... Read More

How Four Words Can Enhance Your Life Of Prayer (Pray More In My Hectic Day? You Cant Be Serious)

"I would like to pray more. But ... how to... Read More

The HUGE Deposit of Diamond in You

Something happened to me some years back that is worthy... Read More

Look Out Any Window

Over my extended Thanksgiving weekend I took some time to... Read More

Relax. Its Just Your Life

What am I supposed to do with my life? Shouldn't... Read More

What Legacy Are We Leaving Our Children?

Children can seem exhausting, annoying, wonderful, loud and funny all... Read More

Things Happen Without Reason

Sometimes things happen in life for apparently no reason at... Read More

War, Disasters and All is Well

It is not very often that I have an issue... Read More

Growing From Good To Great

I have never been fond of white-water rafting, probably because... Read More

How To Have An Effortless Life

Isn't that an appealing title? How to Have an Effortless... Read More

Impaired Judgment

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 23,... Read More

Ignorance and Fantasy

Are beliefs not often the children of ignorance and fantasy?... Read More

The Tiniest of Gladiators

I stared into those biggest of navy blue eyes and... Read More

Songs of Life

I imagine when we die we find out how in-tune... Read More

Dreams Do Come True

Experience has made a lot of folks to consider dreams... Read More

Embracing Your Wildness

As small children, we were all wild. Not unlike the... Read More

My Passion, My Life

Every morning I excitedly get out of bed. Just a... Read More

Maintaining Honesty and Integrity

(Excerpted From Cultivating An Unshakable Character)For a leader, honesty and... Read More

Personal Fear of Change and How to Change It!

It's interesting how we intellectually know that tomorrow will be... Read More

You Dont Find All Drunks in the Gutter: The Story of a Functional Alcoholic!

Today, August 22, 2005, I am clean and sober for... Read More

Where You Can Find Sympathy

Ask any of my kids and they'll tell you immediately... Read More

The Minds Fancy Dress Party -Or- A Brainstorming Session

In Berlin a restaurant opens for anorexics and in Buffalo... Read More

Fulfilling Your Dreams: The Magic Of Starting

Fulfilling your dreams will remain a mirage if you simply... Read More

Cool Children

It's funny how an acquaintance from the past just pops... Read More

No More Frustration: The Thorns of Opportunity - Part II

The quest for the ultimate victory.In part one I shared... Read More

Whose Decision

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 5,... Read More

How Would YOU React To Tragedy Like This?

The true story I'm about to share will have a... Read More

Random Thoughts on Living Your Best Life

More things I've noticed along the way:* Our son's birthday... Read More