Call To Action

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 3, 2003

I need some advice, please! I've been married to the same man for 11 years. He's a nice person when he's not drinking. However that isn't very often.

He drinks on a daily basis. Sometimes it's four beers, sometimes it's 12 or more. He drinks alone and then gets verbally abusive. He tells me I could never make it without him. I would have to live in a cardboard box. He calls me names, then tells me he loves me and will never let me leave.

He had a terrible childhood. He was adopted and his dad left his mom for another woman. He hasn't gotten over his anger, but he won't seek any type of help. He denies there is a problem. My husband saves most of the good stuff for me, but he's verbally abusive to our two children as well.

I've been to Al-Anon and talked to counselors. I tried to draw him back into the family, but he keeps pushing us away. I feel it's best to separate from him. Maybe the realization will make him take control. It's sad when your children wake up in the morning and ask, "Is Dad in a better mood, or do we need to be careful?"

Esme

Esme, your kids are living in a crazy, unpredictable environment. Walking on eggshells is affecting their development, and it will damage their future.

Their emotions are cycling between fear, bewilderment, anger and embarrassment. Children raised in this environment often become people pleasers who judge themselves harshly and have a hard time following through on projects. They likely will have difficulty disclosing their feelings to others, and they likely will live with a constant feeling of dread.

You have no power to change your husband's behavior. Only he can change it, and if he ever changes, he will do it for his own sake. Until he is tired of being controlled by anger and alcohol, he will not change.

At present he can be abusive and drunk and still maintain his home and family. He has no incentive to change. There are no consequences for continuing as he is, and there is no reason to assume a separation will make him take control. If he changes, it may be long after you leave.

Your highest duty is to your children. They have done nothing to deserve living in this kind of home. Your next duty is to yourself. You can't live a normal life with this man. There is one more duty. That is the duty your husband owes to himself not to waste his chance at life. But that is a duty only he can fulfill.

Proceed with your decision to leave, and take steps to ensure your safety and that of your children.

Wayne

Sexual Histories

I've been dating a lady for about a week. We really click. A few days ago we were talking about personal problems, and she told me she had herpes.

I am in my 30s and have never met anyone with herpes. I was married for two years, but before I was married I was a virgin and very naïve about sexual things. I don't know if I should avoid sexual contact with her or just walk away.

Manny

Manny, you have a serious decision to make. Unless and until you see this lady as a life partner, avoid sexual contact. Otherwise, if things don't work out, her situation could become your own.

We suggest sitting down with a physician or other health professional to discuss exactly what this can mean for your future. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Simply explain to them what you explained to us.

The reason to go to a medical source first is you will not only get an authoritative answer, but you will have laid the groundwork for future treatment if you decide to proceed.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Guard Your Heart

It was 1:30 A.M. on Friday, December 6, 1991. Patrolman... Read More

Don?t Give Up!

Don't let anyone kid you. The road to self improvement... Read More

All Is Going Well?

The true test in life does not occur when all... Read More

Make A Difference - Just Go Make A Difference!

Three Words That Can Help Us Live Exceptional LivesCertain words... Read More

Heavy Weather Guide

Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 26,... Read More

Fear Factor

What is it that stops you from jumping off a... Read More

Joy in Perseverance

I will persist until I succeed. Always will I take... Read More

The Most Important Investment You Can Make For Your Old Age - And No, Its Not Money!

When I was twenty-two, I was befriended by a woman... Read More

Ignorance and Fantasy

Are beliefs not often the children of ignorance and fantasy?... Read More

The Seasons Of Life, Part 4 of 5

This week is Part Four of our five part series... Read More

The Brilliant You, Unreleased!

You're a remarkable person. But, you knew that already. Still,... Read More

Inspiring Values of Unforgettable Teachers

All of us recall special teachers - people who not... Read More

Recipe for Success

"Desire is a tremendous force, and must be directed in... Read More

Who are you?

I have a question for you.Who are you?This may be... Read More

Dare To Dream

The rewards of life come to those who do, not... Read More

An Extraordinary Person

I am not going to tell you the story of... Read More

Trusting Your Genius Within

Comments about New Theories in the Professions and Business!I recall... Read More

Hope For Those Sexually Abused As Children

PART 1: Warning - This article may be inappropriate for... Read More

Love Thy Neighbor

I would like to take a moment to write about... Read More

Everyone Has Been Hurt..... Part 5

Continued...About a year later I met my husband. I met... Read More

Realistic Living

" The fountain of content must spring up in the... Read More

Coming To Your Senses, Again and Again!

When we talk about the Enchanted Self we are referring... Read More

On Track

Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 27,... Read More

Charge Your Imagination (3)

As we progress into the year, it is necessary for... Read More

The Power Of Love In Your Life!

CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE!"If there is light in the soul, there... Read More

The Karate Kid

I have an unexpected relationship problem. It's hard to believe... Read More

The Tiniest of Gladiators

I stared into those biggest of navy blue eyes and... Read More

Play It Forward --Living A Life Youve Always Wanted!

What would your life be like if you lived each... Read More

5 Simple Tips For A Better Life

How can we enjoy a better lifestyle?'Easy' I hear you... Read More

Sixty-Second Caring

"How are you doing?" you ask. There's a pause before... Read More

Life

Life is what happens to you, while you are making... Read More

Product Testing

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 24,... Read More

When Failure is a Gift

I wanted, for many many years, to be a mystery... Read More