Having worked with individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, helping them learn to resolve conflict, I have often been faced with the difficulties that occur when people are confused about the difference between approval with appreciation. Have you ever wondered about the difference between approval and appreciation? Most of us have never actually thought about it, yet if we do think about it, we realize that we feel very differently when we receive approval as opposed to receiving appreciation. There are good reasons for this.
Approval is something we give from a wounded, controlling part of us. Approval is conditional upon the other person performing in the way we want or expect. Approval is manipulative - that is, we give it with an outcome in mind. We hope that the other person will continue to do what we want as a result of the approval.
Appreciation, on the other hand, is something we offer from a whole loving place within - what I call the loving Adult. It comes from the heart and is offered spontaneously as the heart wells up with feelings of delight, awe, joy, or love regarding another's way of being. Appreciation has much more to do with the essence of a person rather than with performance. We are appreciating a person's core Self, who they really are and the results of who they are, rather than what they do and their performance. With appreciation, there is no attachment to the outcome, no expectation that the other should or will continue to perform. Appreciation is a true gift.
Often, when someone says they want appreciation or do not feel appreciated, what they are really seeking is approval. It is the wounded part of them who is not feeling seen and appreciated within - they are not seeing and appreciating themselves so they need it from others to feel worthy. The wounded self of the individual projects outward the inner need to be seen, understood and appreciated and pulls from others to get this need met. Whenever I hear someone say that they do not feel appreciated, I know that their essence - their Inner Child - is not being seen and loved by their own inner adult.
When we are giving ourselves the attention and appreciation that we need and we then receive appreciation from others, it feels wonderful but it is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. When it becomes the cake itself, then we need to look within and recognize that we have handed over to others the job of defining and validating our own worth and lovability.
When you share something about yourself with the intent of getting approval, attention or appreciation, it doesn't feel like sharing to other people. Instead they feel pulled at to validate you. When you share something about yourself with the intent of offering something to others, it feels like a gift. This is clearly illustrated in the wonderful movie, Good Will Hunting. In this movie the therapist, played by Robin Williams, shares much personal information about himself with his client Will, an angry and resistant young man. He shared it, not because he wanted or needed anything back, but purely to help Will feel safe in opening to his own pain.
We can all challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we offer positive feedback to others - is it a true gift or does it have strings attached? And we can challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we share things about ourselves - are we giving or trying to get? Giving to get doesn't feel good to others who are at the other end of the pull, and getting what we want from others feels good only for the moment, but is ultimately tiring for us. It is tiring to always be trying to get from others what we need to be giving to ourselves.
Giving appreciation and sharing ourselves from a loving heart, with no need to get anything back, will always feel wonderful and energizing to us and to others.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
In today's fast paced world, we are often confronted with... Read More
When you invest your time in being a mentee you... Read More
One of the mainstays of American culture is the "Great... Read More
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV,... Read More
IntroductionEvery one of us came to the planet to figure... Read More
More and more people have less and less time, but... Read More
From grimaces to stomach knots, talking about marketing seems to... Read More
The fall harvest comes upon us once a year. The... Read More
Successful people have always had clear, focused goals that guide... Read More
How are you progressing with the goals you set yourself... Read More
IntroductionThese days in corporate sector, everybody is talking about the... Read More
The most valuable assets of a 20th century company were... Read More
Improve Your Life! How to Hire A Coach.A reader writes,... Read More
I am remembering and have a desire to share with... Read More
As winter descends we begin to feel the chill of... Read More
In principle, we don't want to give up coaching employees.... Read More
"The more I want to get something done, the less... Read More
Many moons ago. Talking to people was something I avoided... Read More
Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part... Read More
I'm working on a coach training certification, and one of... Read More
Making changes in your personal life can be a tough... Read More
So it's time for a change. You've taken that hard... Read More
We all put off making decisions and taking action sometimes... Read More
How often do you hear a parental voice in your... Read More
Nobody in business can fail to have noticed the recent... Read More
Most of us play many different roles in the course... Read More
"I can't seem to discover why I'm on the planet.""What... Read More
To keep at the top of your game you have... Read More
Executive coaching is an investment for you and your business... Read More
It's past bedtime for most working men. It's not unbearably... Read More
Many people think of coaching solely as a management technique.... Read More
As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they... Read More
Watching the news can be hazardous to your health.It's a... Read More
Many people have asked me why I wrote my book,... Read More
I was talking to one of my coaching clients and... Read More
There are 2 key skills that coaches need to be... Read More
We demand more from those who provide to us and... Read More
When you feel self-conscious it means you are putting too... Read More
1. Do not believe everything you hear!With close friends and... Read More
One of my clients gave me permission to tell you... Read More
I'll never forget what my mentor told me: "Don't communicate... Read More
A positive attitude may bring good health and success. If... Read More
Can you recall a time where you utilized silence to... Read More
January is the king of months for those looking to... Read More
How would you like to get along even better with... Read More
As a healthy business owner or independent professional, how do... Read More
At a time when the global economy is bringing innovation,... Read More
Coaching employees on sensitive and personal topics like performance or... Read More
Do you ever get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach... Read More
Many of you reading this will be running businesses, or... Read More
Recently my friend Michelle was concerned about a professional conference... Read More
How are you progressing with the goals you set yourself... Read More
Not long ago, I traveled back east to Ohio and... Read More
That one guy at work that always has to be... Read More
A coach is an essential figure in providing direction and... Read More
I'm a relationship coach and, unlike most, I deal with... Read More
There is a Buddhist saying that goes like this: "If... Read More
If you do any significant amount of driving, a simple... Read More
Our bodies are made of pure energy. With Quantum physics... Read More
If you need to put on boots and grab a... Read More
Are you one of those folks that needs to figure-it-out... Read More
If you work with people, as a company owner, manager... Read More
Signs of Self-ConfidenceLet's explore the meaning of self-confidence by taking... Read More
Not long ago, a friend who works in television complained... Read More
Articulating repetitive statements with emotion will inevitably connect you to... Read More
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on... Read More
Coaching |