The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children is as old as.. well, parents having children. It's not an easy job, either for the parent or the child. But, the key to any relationship inside or outside the family is the ability to relate; to have an empathy that allows us a slightly special way in which we can communicate with one another in order to understand, and to be understood. We make friends because of the similarities we may have in certain areas and we sometimes can build lifelong relationships on that basis. But, having children means we do not have a choice to make that relationship as we might have in meeting a perfect stranger. It's a relationship forced upon us, albeit willingly in most cases. We as parents accept that as part of parenting. After all, as parents we have the opportunity to influence the development of our children to be just like us.. thus creating those similarities that enhance a lifelong relationship. Now, note that I used the word 'opportunity' in that sentence. I think as parents we all realize that in spite of what we do to manipulate their young lives our children will turn out as individuals just as we did with our parents. And that could very well mean that the relationship you have with your child is not based on similarities but more of accepting the respective family roles of parent and child.
Trying to relate with our children and getting them to relate to us is a great challenge to even the most determined and dedicated parent. Sometimes the frustration level is so great we wonder as parents why we had kids at all; especially when they reach the teen years and become demanding in their own right as they expand social contacts in their own high school social systems and expect us to conform to (and finance) that lifestyle yet requiring us to stay in the shadows so as not to embarrass them.
I often ask myself how it is my folks raised me in one method and yet I have helped to raise my kids using another totally different method and the end result appears the same. While our child-rearing is not quite over we have nonetheless been fortunate to have raised three wonderful children reflecting the values we feel are important; having developed socially and academically beyond our wildest expectations. Yet my parents felt that about me and my sister as well. And many other parents can also claim these same 'successes'. So, what is really the key here?
The key is in a term I call 'relational adaptation'; you might best know it as the 'generation gap'. When us boomers were born after World War II there were such vast numbers of us that our mere presence forced social upheavals in every facet of life. Our Depression Era parents had to adapt to raise us.. they had no choice. With the economy booming they had the natural desire to provide all of us newborns with the things they never had when they grew up. We were the first generation to be raised in an era of relatively instant mass communication, opportunities for college education, better jobs, etc. The morals and ideals which were prevalent in our parents' day were being challenged daily.. many becoming obsolete and passe' (I overheard my grandmother one day commenting to my mother as to why mother needed a book by some baby doctor named Spock to raise a child when she herself considered her own job at motherhood quite a success without it.). By comparison to previous generations we were indeed, 'spoiled'. The generation gap was broad.. and to bridge it between parent and child in those days was a fairly gut-wrenching transformation.
So, how does all that translate to how we raise our kids now? Well, for the first time in the industrialized history of this country the generation gap between how we were raised and that of our children is the shortest. Our children do not have parents that were raised in a totally different lifestyle or social environment? we had rock and roll, and our children have rock and roll. We had instant mass communications and our children also have instant mass communications (albeit technologically far more advanced). It was our generation that blazed the trails to bring social taboos like sex and drugs to the forefront, which our children also deal with today. Our generation brought change on all frontiers and as we aged we accepted change as a norm.. and we adapted. In other words, as parents we can identify.. and RELATE far more with our children than in all previous generations back to the 30's.
But while that gap has been closed to a great degree there are some significant differences within the generations. Us boomers realized that certain life compromises can be made.. that life is short and not necessarily a life to be dedicated to just child-rearing or career. When I was growing up there was the distinct attitude that the family centered around the children's upbringing. By comparison we now feel that the family centers around a more equal distribution of quality of life; that kids can be allowed to develop on their own at certain levels; that parents don't have to bust their butts to pay for their children's college; and maybe understand that kids don't necessarily need direct 24/7 supervision, but rather intuitive guidance.
Ok, so how can all these similarities and differences explain one method of child rearing being any more effective from one generation to the next? It seems the similarities make a great basis in forming a relationship with our children as they grow up; a way to broaden and enhance the ability to 'listen' to each other. The differences reflect the times we live in at that moment.. and our abilities to adapt to the ever-changing social pressures. And that adaptation is done in the togetherness of a relationship. For example, I may identify as a parent your need and desire, as a child, to take the car to work rather than walking, but there is a real economic problem going on in the here-and-now that makes gasoline pretty expensive, and we need to conserve money for other things. I was never raised in this situation before so this is not simply a parental control thing. So, let's reach a compromise that works.
Play up the similarities with your children between your two respective generations and use that to establish a relationship. Then when those expected differences come along in life your relationship will be better armed for compromise, cooperation, and understanding. Make your children identify with you by sharing how you were raised as not being that much different. You may not have the family sitting around the dinner table like in the 'old days' but you just might have a greater closeness with your children because you did indeed 'walk a mile in their shoes'.
About The Author
Doug Burkland is degreed in the behavioral sciences and writes articles regarding family life, parenting, human sexuality, entrepreneurship, and current events. An aging baby boomer raised in the Mid-West and having liberal-conservative attitudes, Doug is an admitted 'survivor' of public education who thinks he has something to say that people might like to read; sometimes using a bit of healthy satire, mixed with friendly sarcasm, and at times tempered with thought provoking common sense. Along with being an entrepreneur (having had three businesses of his own), Doug has a broad perspective on balancing life and family.
http://www.dougburkland.com or email doug@dougburkland.com
We begin forming healthy habits at a young age. With... Read More
Do you have a wild child? Then this article may... Read More
Over a number of years there have been issues raised... Read More
Potty training fears, often called toilet terrors, are common among... Read More
Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More
Keith is now in the fourth grade and he dislikes... Read More
Here are ten simple pleasures you can enjoy with your... Read More
Dear Vijay,I worry about not being a good parent. My... Read More
Backpack? Check. Notebooks? Check. Ink-pens? Check. Clear Skin? Mommmm!If you... Read More
I am writing this from the beautiful mountains of Western... Read More
A friend phoned her neighbor, complaining about the wafts of... Read More
Vinegar or honey, what do kids really want? "Toys, candy,... Read More
What is the mystery of motherhood? I know that when... Read More
Bedtime and children's sleep habits can cause nightmares - for... Read More
Prioritize. Learn to say No. Steal some time for yourself.Don't... Read More
It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining... Read More
I WAS AMAZEDI could hardly believe what I was hearing.... Read More
Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more... Read More
At first I thought of titling this article "The Lazy... Read More
"Where did he come up with that?" Kids often amaze... Read More
They Spur Members To Grow EmotionallyTatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a... Read More
There is a front line and a back end to... Read More
Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a... Read More
Now is an excellent time to have your child's vision... Read More
Q. What is the best way to teach safety awareness... Read More
It was a day that I will forever be etched... Read More
In theory, working at home is an ideal situation. But... Read More
Many years ago, my children were raised on the various... Read More
One of the questions I ask in parenting presentations is... Read More
Meningitis is an inflammation of the membranes around the brain... Read More
1. Diapers (5 -7 is a fairly safe supply)2. Wipes3.... Read More
"Will my doubts and fears affect my child?" This father... Read More
Optimists do better academically, socially and enjoy better health than... Read More
Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care... Read More
Results of the Spanking Poll on Rexanne.com: Voters - 233Percentage... Read More
Identity and Your Fraternal TwinFor the most part, throughout this... Read More
A friend phoned her neighbor, complaining about the wafts of... Read More
I thought I was the only one in the world... Read More
Do you know what these famous people have in common?Alexander... Read More
The cost of being a parent and raising a child... Read More
What Children Look for in a Friend?Is this child fun... Read More
When choosing the perfect jogging stroller, a very important question... Read More
The purpose of this article is to address some of... Read More
Predicament:My son is 4 1/2 years old. His younger brother... Read More
It was at that time when our marriage was falling... Read More
Many parental units are not "techies" and openly admit they... Read More
Did you know that inconsistency on matters of discipline gives... Read More
Gift shops are a kid magnet and often a trip... Read More
There are software programs that you can purchase to keep... Read More
Remember when cash was a tangible commodity in all of... Read More
Family decision-making is an intriguing phenomenon. Many factors become part... Read More
As the kids go back to school, you can go... Read More
Though you can cover even very long distances by car... Read More
When my daughter was born, I must admit there was... Read More
What are the easiest things citizens can do to prevent... Read More
Oh yes you have! Suddenly, "Where's Bobby?" You instantly realize... Read More
Volunteering together is a fantastic way to spend time as... Read More
Are you a professional?Notice how the questions differs from, "Do... Read More
Diapers..Changing a dirty diaper is not the best part of... Read More
Because most teens have not had the experience of getting... Read More
The big yellow school bus is coming down my road... Read More
Are your children truthful, kind, and helpful? If so, read... Read More
As a step daughter and step grand daughter, I followed... Read More
Are you worried about your child's reading habits? Perhaps you... Read More
My son, Dakota is now 7 yrs old. He is... Read More
Often I will hear parents say, "I just ignore Jr.... Read More
Parenting |