Nothing More Than Feelings

"How are you Inventing Your Life Today?" ? the lead story from my last issue of Power & Presence ? drew comments from several readers. Most of the comments went something like: "I wish I could have the degree of control over my life that you apparently do."

I want to say, I wish I had the degree of control over my life that it apparently looks like I have.

Earlier this summer, several of my 20-something neighbors who live in the apartments next door had a long and lively conversation in their back yard, which lies just beneath our bedroom window ? wide open on this particular warmish night. The conversation included beverages of one type or another (I hazarded some guesses), the containers for which, when drained, got thrown (loudly) into a recycle container. These antics took place between 2:30 and 3:30 A.M.

I debated for a while whether I should get up, dress, go next door, and have a conversation of my own. After tossing and turning for about 15 minutes, I decided to communicate through my open window. I got up, and ? I believe in a fairly centered way ? called out: "Quiet, please." They heard me, I think, since their voices quieted a bit. And while the cans continued to go into the recycles, they did so with perhaps a bit less energy.

But the damage was done, the horse out of the barn. What were my chances of getting back to sleep? I tossed and turned for another half-hour but couldn't find my way back. I got up, walked the house, muttered oaths to myself, and finally began to notice light dawning and birds chirping around 4:45. I lay down again and dozed intermittently between 5 and 8, and eventually got out of bed to face the day, tired, depleted, and still angry.

I remembered my story about "Inventing Your Life," and its theme about the meta-communicator being the padding between my feelings and me. There wasn't much padding after a sleepless night. I talked to my husband. I honored my feelings. I even appreciated my neighbors' cluelessness. I mean they're young adults having a summer outdoor party. Okay, it IS the middle of the night, but I may have done similar stuff at that age. But in spite of my best efforts at reclaiming equanimity, I mostly gave myself a pretty hard time about the fact that I'd written that story. Here I was having FEELINGS. I can help others better manage their emotions, so why couldn't I manage my own? Why couldn't I make them go away?

I re-read my story. It helped. I didn't say I wasn't supposed to HAVE feelings, I said I was supposed to be able to be aware enough to notice them and ride their waves. I said I wanted to make behavior choices based on my better instincts instead of acting out the emotion in unconstructive ways. I guessed that I had done that with my partying neighbors. I hadn't been mean-spirited or behaved reactively.

"Beyond That"
Then I understood that I wasn't upset with my neighbors any more; I was mad at myself for having such strong feelings. Like somehow I was supposed to be "beyond that." Because I teach and write about centering, I should be above these tiresome emotions.

In those moments of upset, I comprehended experientially that centering doesn't take emotions away. On the mat of life, as in aikido, the attack will come. It may come from the outside (my noisy neighbors) or the inside (strong feelings). How will I manage the energy? Will I freeze, fight, fall over, or move in toward the energy and use it wisely? I can be centered and upset. I hope, in fact, I am centered when I'm upset. When I'm centered I will hold the emotional energy differently.

In time, as they always do, the feelings died down and transformed, much like the thunderstorm that also passed through that night. By afternoon I was on the actual aikido mat and back to feelings I enjoy having in my body. "Inventing Your Life" is pretty accurate. The option to have or not have feelings is not under my control (at least not yet). The ones I had that night and early morning were not pleasant or wanted, and I could not MAKE them go away. All I could do was sit with them, watch them move through body, mind, and spirit, talk about them to caring friends, and care for myself while I was having them.

Soon I will be laughing about that night. (I already am.)

And soon I will have a longer conversation with my neighbors ? in the daylight, when we're all centered, open to dialogue, and able to talk about how we want to live next door to one another.

Center does not equal an absence of emotion. Center equals presence with emotion. I am not a bad person because I have strong feelings. Feelings just are; they can in fact control us, or with some watching, waiting and positive intention, we can engage and direct their energy with awareness and purpose.

© 2005 Judy Ringer, Power & Presence Training

About the Author: Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, specializing in unique workshops on conflict, communication, and creating a more positive work environment. Judy is also a black belt in aikido, and is writing her first book on the connection between aikido, conflict, and living a more purposeful life. To sign up for more free tips and articles like these, visit http://www.JudyRinger.com

Note: You're welcome to reprint this article as long as it remains complete and unaltered (including the 'about the author' info at the end).

---

The Story Of A King And Three Maidens ? Six Keys To A Successful Relationship

A King was trying to choose between three maidens to... Read More

If Theres Money in a Dead Mouse...

My 4 year old son was very excited. I had... Read More

Darkness of Winter Encourages Insights

The darkness of Winter has descended.For many the long stormy... Read More

Instant Willpower

We've all heard people say "I have a system". Ever... Read More

Self-Improvement-Inspiration: How to Exit Your Own Rat Race

We can all get in a rut from time to... Read More

How Much Risk Is Too Much To Take?

The ladder was braced against the railings going to the... Read More

What Motivates You - Desire or Fear?

The energy of desire is a powerful motivator and creative... Read More

Taking Action NOW: 9 Key Strategies...Part I

Awareness, understanding what impacts you!Awareness makes it possible for you... Read More

REST: The New Strategy for Business and Life Success

No matter how many times you have vowed to change... Read More

Growing Out of Your Comfort Zone

It has been said that "if you are not growing,... Read More

Motivation-- The Key Is In Your Actions

Have you ever read something like this as a "way... Read More

Is Your Passion Fizzling Out?

Starting a business or project is one thing, keeping it... Read More

The Easy Way To Lasting Self Motivation

Will power alone will never work over the long term.... Read More

Motivation By An Audience

Sooner or later, if you keep working hard in a... Read More

By Planning and Exerting Effort, You Can Change Things For The Better

Most of us plan to find the love of our... Read More

10 Easy Ways To Stop Procrastinating

It is counterproductive to concentrate on so many tasks that... Read More

Staying the Course

Are you willing to stay the course? Once you have... Read More

Motivation By Daily Applause

One of our most powerful psychological needs is the craving... Read More

Free Will To The Rescue

Today's society and your private world are the results of... Read More

Success -- The Key and the Fire

Self-discipline is a powerful tool that can help you accomplish... Read More

Book Summary: If Life is a Game, These are the Rules

This #1 New York Times bestseller offers some useful and... Read More

Your Biggest Do it Yourself Project

When I meet people and tell them what I do,... Read More

4 Powerful Ways To Fire Up Your Motivation

It's so difficult to go on when everything seems to... Read More

Procrastination Strategies: Boost Your Productivity by Getting On With It

We all suffer from procrastination from time to time but... Read More

Quick Tips On Getting Motivated When You Dont Feel Like It

The secret to getting started on something when you don't... Read More

Getting Out of a Rut

Are you feeling bored or restless? Do you need to... Read More

Heres How Tiger, Oprah, And Spielberg Stay Motivated

I want to share with you a powerful principle that... Read More

5 Keys to Maintaining Personal Change

I look out my window at daybreak as the sunrise... Read More

Resistance Is Natural - but Not Helpful - in Times of Change

Here are five feelings we all experience in changing times.... Read More

Magic In The Leadership Zone!

"Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small... Read More

Are You Ready To Make A Strong Finish?

Talk about a strong finish! In their inspiring story of... Read More

What Comes First the Action or the Feeling?

In other words, it is in the "doing" that we... Read More

The Dawn On The Nile Valley Has Secrets To Tell! (3)

Me and Mao Tse-Tung!My first political experience was with Mao... Read More