Divorce--The Five Obstacles to Agreement

This article and my articles "Overcoming Obstacles to Agreement" and "Negotiating Agreement" are about how to deal with disagreement--from simple difference of opinion to active upset and anger--and some specific steps that will help you reach an agreement. As you will see, the things you can do yourself are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you.

More than 90% of all cases are settled before trial. Unfortunately, too many are settled only after the spouses have spent their emotional energies on conflict and their financial resources on lawyers. The time and effort spent battling has impaired their ability to get on with their lives and may have caused serious psychic damage to themselves and their children. The spouses could have saved themselves all that simply by agreeing to settle earlier. Why didn't they?

Okay, here you are, heading for a divorce; your spouse is going to be involved and you want to work out an agreement. What's so hard about that? Why don't you just do it? Easier to say than do, isn't it? There are good reasons why it's hard for spouses to work out an agreement--five, to be exact:

  • Emotional upset and conflict
  • Insecurity and fear
  • Ignorance and misinformation
  • The legal system and lawyers
  • Real disagreement

To get an agreement, in or out of the system, with or without an attorney, you have to overcome the five obstacles. Let's look at them in a little more detail to see what you're dealing with.

The Five Obstacles to Agreement

1. Emotional upset and conflict: This is about high levels of anger, hurt, blame, and guilt--a very normal part of divorce. If one or both spouses are upset, you can't negotiate, have reasonable discussions or make sound decisions. Complex and volatile emotions become externalized and get attached to things or to the children.

When emotions are high, reason is at its lowest ebb and will not be very effective at that time. There are various causes of upset:

  • The divorce itself, stress of major change, broken dreams, fear of change, fear of an unknown future
  • Different readiness to accept the idea of divorce and willingness to proceed--the hidden cause of conflict in many cases
  • History of bad communication habits or conflict
  • Particular events or circumstances (a new lover, a new debt)

2. Insecurity, fear, lack of confidence, unequal bargaining power: You can't negotiate if either spouse feels incompetent, afraid, or that the other spouse has some big advantage.

Divorce is tremendously undermining and tends to multiply any general lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Also, there are often very real causes for insecurity: lack of skill and experience at dealing with business and negotiation, and lack of complete information and knowledge about the process and the marital affairs.

It doesn't matter if insecurity is real or reasonable; it is real if it feels real.

3. Ignorance and misinformation: Ignorance about the legal system and how it works can make you feel uncertain, insecure and incompetent. You feel as if you don't know what you are doing--and you are right.

Misinformation is when the things you think you know are not correct. Misinformation comes from friends, television, movies, even from lawyers who are not family law specialists. It can distort your expectations about your rights and what's fair. It's hard to negotiate with someone who has mistaken ideas about what the rules are.

Fortunately, both conditions can be easily fixed with reliable information.

4. The legal system and lawyers: The legal system does not help you overcome obstacles to agreement but, rather it is one of the major obstacles that you have to overcome. The legal system is designed to work against you. You want to avoid the legal system as much as possible--and you can. You can beat the system.

5. Real disagreement: These are the real issues that you want to deal with rationally and negotiate with your spouse.

Real disagreement is based on the fact that the spouses now have different needs and interests. After dealing with the first four obstacles, these real issues may turn out to be minor, but even if they are serious, at least they can be negotiated rationally.

The solutions are in your hands. Apart from the legal system--which you can avoid--all obstacles to your agreement are personal, between you and your spouse and between you and yourself.

Take care. Pay special attention to emotional upset and especially insecurity and fear. These are the forces that drive people into a lawyer's office. You want to avoid doing anything that might increase the upset and fear of either spouse.

The upset person is saying, "I can't stand this, I won't take it anymore! I'm going to get a lawyer!"

The insecure person is saying, "I can't understand all this, I can't deal with it, I can't deal with my spouse. I want to be safe. I need someone to help me. I'm going to get a lawyer."

And this is how cases get dragged into unnecessary legal conflict.

You need to arrange things so both spouses are comfortable about not retaining an attorney. If you think your spouse may be upset or insecure, you have to be very careful and patient. If you are feeling incapable of dealing with your own divorce, the information in my book, Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better will help a lot and you will see that you can get all the help and support you need without retaining an attorney.

Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman

Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.

In The News:


pen paper and inkwell


cat break through


Reasons You Arent Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or...

Stay MarriedAlong with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when... Read More

What Are You Waiting For?

So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but... Read More

Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting Situations

What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced parents... Read More

Does Your Sexless Marriage Have You Thinking About Divorce?

If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy... Read More

Hire Divorce Lawyer or Use Online Divorce Forms

When do you need to hire a family law attorney... Read More

Get Over A Divorce and Prepare for Divorce Recovery!

It can be difficult to get over a divorce and... Read More

Cheating Husbands - Meeting Needs?

Husbands cheat on their wives for many reasons. They could... Read More

Tax & Financial Impacts of Divorce: 10 Mistakes to Avoid

Divorce is something no one hopes will happen to them... Read More

5 Things To Do Before You Even Think About Getting A Divorce

There are many steps to take to protect yourself in... Read More

Four Tips to Save You Money in a Divorce Case

1. Have an Clear Written Fee AgreementMost experienced and effective... Read More

How to Recover From Divorce

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many... Read More

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're... Read More

Divorce Online Sevice - Why Should We Lose Money And Time Applying For Divorce?

Attempts to use the worldwide Web as an effective means... Read More

Two Hearts Are Now One

It is fitting that I should write this story on... Read More

Divorce and the Stock Market

The most recent statistics show that about 50% of all... Read More

Divorce--Getting Legal Help Without Paying Exorbitant Attorneys Fees

Ignorance is the most common trap in the business of... Read More

Dating Tips for Divorced and Widowed Moms

Dating is tough for just about everybody, but it's even... Read More

Divorce: Coping With The Family Law Process

The EmotionsDivorce is a scary, lonely and misunderstood process for... Read More

Divorce: How To Survive A Divorce And Move On With Your Life

One out of every two marriages in America is failing.American... Read More

The Legal Side of Divorce

While divorce can be an emotionally draining experience, even in... Read More

Healing Dysfunctional Families

In a recent article entitled "Some Evidence On How We... Read More

Women And Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More

There Is Life After Divorce

A married woman becomes a single woman for one of... Read More

Post-Divorce Alimony in Texas

This article provides a brief overview on Texas law concerning... Read More

Divorce--Overcoming the Obstacles to Agreement: Ten Steps

You're going to want to be working on your divorce... Read More

Surviving Divorce: What To Think About To Ensure Surviving Divorce

Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating... Read More

Top 5 To Dos Before Saying ?I Do?

1. DO allow yourself enough time to make one of... Read More

Advantages to Doing Your Own Divorce

There are many advantages to doing your own divorce. Three... Read More

Contested And Uncontested Divorce

A divorce case is contested if the parties cannot agree... Read More

Alienation of Affection - Interference with marriage can cost big bucks in North Carolina

Non-lawyers are often surprised to learn that a spouse can... Read More

How to Use a Divorce Lawyer

You want three things in your divorce attorney: expertise in... Read More

Seven Sets of Documents You Need For Your Divorce

Even if you believe your case will ultimately be agreed... Read More

5 Ways To Ensure You Will Have a Happy Life After Divorce

Life after divorce is something that most people who are... Read More