Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting Situations

What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced parents should avoid? Learn them to spare your kids from the painful consequences.

1. Carrying Message Between Parents

A child doesn't like the feeling that he or she must act as a messenger between hostile parents or carry one adult's secrets or accusations about another. Children want parents to talk with each other so that the messages are communicated the right way and so that children don't feel like they are going to mess up.

Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly with each other, especially if the topic is likely to anger the other parent. It is unfair to make your child carry messages to your "ex" because you find it too awkward or aggravating to do so yourself. It is also poor parenting to show by example to your child that you can resolve a problem with another person by not communicating or to suggest to a child that the other parent is such a monster that you cannot speak or be civil with each other.

Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about matters relevant to the children, such as scheduling, visitation, health habits, or school problems.

2. Getting Involve With Money Issues

Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front of the children. How would you feel if you are that child hearing mom and dad arguing about your financial support? Most children upon hearing these things feel that their existence is some kind of parent's burden.

Who will pay for what and how available money should be spent are adult issues that the parents must discuss directly. Do not put your children in the middle of your child support disputes.

3. Hearing Criticisms Of The Other Parent

It hurts a child very much to hear one loved parent criticize the other loved parent. Children see themselves as half of each parent. When children hear bad things about one parent, they hear bad things about half of themselves. If they hear bad things about both their parents, they feel that both halves of them must be of little worth.

Even if you are sure you're right, try to avoid criticizing the other parent around the kids, and try to find good things to say, or don't say anything at all.

The following is a list of destructive remarks that you should not make to your child. If you find yourself saying words like these, stop and think about their impact on your child.

• You're lazy/stubborn/bad tempered, just like your mother/father.

• Your mother/father put you up to saying that.

• Your dad/mom doesn't love any of us or he/she wouldn't have left us.

• You can't trust her/him.

• He/she was just no good.

• If she/he loved you, she/he would send your support checks on time.

• Someday you'll leave me too, just like your father/mother.

All of these remarks raise fear and anxiety in children.

4. Quizzing Children About The Other Parent

Do not make your children a spy in the other parent's home. It is very difficult for a child of divorced parents to cope with feeling "caught in the middle". If they want to tell you about time spent with their other parent (and they usually don't), listen closely and politely, and then stop. If they don't volunteer any information, try simply, "Have a good time? Good."

Encourage your children to love both parents. They must not be burdened with having to align with one parent's anger against the other.

5. Taking Sides

Your child wants to love both of his or her parents. Asking your child to take your side in any situation regarding your ex-spouse can create a tremendous amount of stress for your child.

Avoid putting children in the position of having to take sides. Allow your children to continue to love both parents without being made to feel guilty or disloyal.

6. Dealing With Parent's Feeling

Complaining to your child about how lonely you are after the separation makes a child feel guilty and sad and want to "parent" you. It's not healthy for them to be consumed with worry for their parents' ability to survive.

Let your child be a child. They need the freedom to be children. It's easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent child, or even your adult child, a confidant in dealing with your recovery, your dating life, or your fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns without ill effects, they rarely are.

7. Threatening To Cut Off Contact With The Children If The Other Parent Doesn't Do Or Stop Doing Something

The kids hear these threats and fear more loss in their lives. Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be continued.

Recognize that for your child to have the best chance of growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This means that there should be some pathway of getting through to the child whatever good that parent has to offer.

Anything that puts a child in the middle of dispute is unhealthy, and causes the most problems for divorcing families. If parents don't work issues through, those issues have a huge effect on their kids.

It can be hard to do, but parents can improve a situation by recognizing their divorce is from each other, not the children. Kids need to see that even though their parents might not love each other, they are committed to staying connected because of their responsibilities as parents. At time, this may seem absolutely impossible, because the parents can't tolerate the idea of being connected. Yet the child needs both of them, psychologically if not in reality.

About The Author

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author bylines are included. subscribe@101divorceparenting.com

---

How To Identify What The Question Should I Get a Divorce? Means To You

Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not... Read More

Joint Bank Accounts and Divorce

Here are some useful tips on joint bank accounts and... Read More

How Can Collaborative Law Be Beneficial In Your Texas Divorce?

Collaborative law is based on the realization that the commitment... Read More

Divorce -Is It Lawful?

The question of divorce and its lawfulness is of long... Read More

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're... Read More

The Impact of Divorce on Families

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many... Read More

Dating Tips for Divorced and Widowed Moms

Dating is tough for just about everybody, but it's even... Read More

Healing Dysfunctional Families

In a recent article entitled "Some Evidence On How We... Read More

Deciding on Divorce: How to Know You are Making the Right Choice

It's a well known fact that in this day and... Read More

Divorce and Separation - A Child?s Perspective

It is always the children that suffer the most when... Read More

Divorce Makes Us Stronger

My friends call me the "Divorce Poster Child".At the age... Read More

Alienation of Affection - Interference with marriage can cost big bucks in North Carolina

Non-lawyers are often surprised to learn that a spouse can... Read More

Why Standard Visitation Should NOT Be Standard

When a nuclear family separates, it usually separates into a... Read More

Divorce--Overcoming the Obstacles to Agreement: Ten Steps

You're going to want to be working on your divorce... Read More

Effects of Divorce on Children

When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous... Read More

Commitment

Being marriage means being fully committed to your husband as... Read More

Marriage Seperation - A Practical Guide

Finance in marriage seperation is a very big issue particularly... Read More

Divorce--How the Legal System Works Against You

If there were no legal system, no lawyers and no... Read More

How to Recover From Divorce

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many... Read More

How Thinking About An Uncontested Divorce Figures Into Your Decision About Divorce

An uncontested divorce is the most common type of divorce.... Read More

Child Support: 5 Key Things Every Parent Should Know

There is no magic solution to getting issues surrounding child... Read More

The Legal Side of Divorce

While divorce can be an emotionally draining experience, even in... Read More

Divorce, The Hardest Thing You Have To Do

Knowing What To Do In DivorceKnowing what to do when... Read More

Divorce Decision: Things To Consider When Making A Decision About Divorce

When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few... Read More

Too Many Divorces

My oldest boy asked me something the other day about... Read More

5 Ways To Ensure You Will Have a Happy Life After Divorce

Life after divorce is something that most people who are... Read More

Women And Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More

Houston Divorce Lawyer - West Houston Attorney Answers Common Questions About Mediation

If you are reading this, then you are probably either... Read More

Credit and Divorce

Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that... Read More

Guide To Reducing The Cost Of Divorce

Seven Tips to help you keep more of your money... Read More

A Time of Grief and Healing After Separation and Divorce

I thought I would never feel the light of life... Read More

There Is Life After Divorce

A married woman becomes a single woman for one of... Read More

Divorce--How to Beat the System

Of course you want to get your Judgment--that's the goal... Read More