Is your spouse violent, abusive, harassing? In cases of harassment or violence there are legal remedies and there are practical things you can and must do for yourself. This is not about reaching agreement--these are strategies for self-defense. Mental and physical abuse must never be tolerated.
Restraining orders. The legal remedy for domestic harassment and violence is a restraining order--an order from the court, served personally on your spouse, forbidding certain conduct. Restraining orders are available as part of a divorce action.
If you, your children or anyone in your household has been physically abused or threatened with harm, you can have the abuser ordered to move out and stay away from the family residence. Child visitation can be ordered for specific times and places, away from your home and, if necessary, under supervision. It takes very clear proof of danger or harm to the child to forbid visitation altogether.
In extreme cases, most states permit emergency orders to be issued ex parte--without notice to or participation of your spouse. These orders are binding until a hearing can be held and more orders issued after both sides have had a chance to tell their side.
Here's the good news: more than 85 percent of all restraining orders are adhered to. Being served with orders from a court seems to have a good effect on most abusers, and, more to the point, they now know that you are serious about not being a victim. Think about it this way:
When you go for restraining orders as part of your divorce action, you can also request temporary orders for support, custody, and visitation that will set the terms of your separation until a full-scale trial is held or a settlement reached. Temporary orders can be very useful if you need them to stabilize your case or get support coming in.
Police. If you get a restraining order, be sure to file it with your local police. This can put them under extra pressure to protect you. But even if you do not have court orders, call the police if you are the victim of domestic harassment or violence, and keep calling them. At the very least, you will be building a case and developing evidence.
Police may be an unreliable source of help in domestic situations, although this will vary from place to place. They have been accused of prejudice and sexism, but whether or not that is true, their conduct is also based on years of frustrating and dangerous experience. Police are much more likely to get hurt and less likely to do any real good in domestic disputes than in any other kind of case.
This difficult issue has received a great deal of public attention, so police agencies now tend to have standards for dealing with domestic violence. Some departments have officers specially trained in family crisis intervention.
Ask responding officers if they can refer you to available spouse abuse shelters, support groups or relevant community services agencies. Call your local police, talk to them about your problem and see what their attitude is and in what way they are willing to help. Start a record in their files.
Self-help. The best help is the kind you give yourself. The only thing you can control in life is your own attitude, actions and reactions, so start there. What part do you play in the cycle that leads to abuse? Try to avoid the things that set your spouse off. This does not mean to give up and roll over, but it does mean learning to express yourself cleanly and not to provoke. In most disturbed relationships, there is some pattern of action and reaction that builds to an eruption. Try to understand your part and stop the cycle.
Don't be a victim. Spouse abuse is a very common problem, so you are not unique or alone. Nearly every community has professionals, agencies, and support groups that have a great deal of experience and special knowledge about domestic conflict. This is your most important source of help and support. Get in touch with them. To find a local support group, ask a minister, call the police department or a social services agency. If one group or counselor isn't what you want, try another.
There are many practical steps you can take. Maybe you can get help from friends and family, possibly have someone move in with you for a while, or get a roommate. In general, abuse is drastically reduced when other people are around. One obvious practical solution is to move away, either for good or at least until things cool down. Or change all the locks, bar the windows and get an unlisted phone number. Or get a big dog. Or take self-defense classes. If necessary, hide--it may be better than being someone's easy target. The main thing is this: do whatever you must to create your own peace and safety; do not depend solely on police or court orders to solve your problem.
This article is an excerpt from the award-winning book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better. You can order the book from Nolo Press Occidental or by calling (800) 464-5502.
Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman
Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.
All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending... Read More
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More
There are many advantages to doing your own divorce. Three... Read More
It is always the children that suffer the most when... Read More
As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many... Read More
There is no magic solution to getting issues surrounding child... Read More
1. DO allow yourself enough time to make one of... Read More
An uncontested divorce is the most common type of divorce.... Read More
Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your family law case... Read More
Even if you believe your case will ultimately be agreed... Read More
As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many... Read More
The biggest mistake that people make when getting divorced is... Read More
According to the Center for Disease Control's National Vital Statistics... Read More
Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that... Read More
In a recent article entitled "Some Evidence On How We... Read More
The legal divorce vs. your real divorce The legal... Read More
You're going to want to be working on your divorce... Read More
My friends call me the "Divorce Poster Child".At the age... Read More
So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but... Read More
What 3 major divorce parenting mistakes that surely lead to... Read More
One out of every two marriages in America is failing.American... Read More
You want three things in your divorce attorney: expertise in... Read More
Here are some useful tips on joint bank accounts and... Read More
Getting the right type of divorce advice depends on what... Read More
Of course you want to get your Judgment--that's the goal... Read More
One peculiar feature of a stepfamily is that they are... Read More
If you are reading this, then you are probably either... Read More
Marriage is a very solemn and serious chapter on any... Read More
Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a... Read More
No matter which side you are on, spousal support is... Read More
Attempts to use the worldwide Web as an effective means... Read More
When a nuclear family separates, it usually separates into a... Read More
When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous... Read More
Life insurance, more than most things you buy, relates to... Read More
When you're faced with the possibility of divorce it's important... Read More
When a nuclear family separates, it usually separates into a... Read More
Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a... Read More
Ignorance is the most common trap in the business of... Read More
Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating... Read More
This article provides a brief overview on Texas law concerning... Read More
It's a well known fact that in this day and... Read More
Being marriage means being fully committed to your husband as... Read More
1. DO allow yourself enough time to make one of... Read More
When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few... Read More
What is the Get?The Get is the Jewish form of... Read More
So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but... Read More
Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not... Read More
1. What is my filing status? (Married, Single, Head of... Read More
Collaborative law is based on the realization that the commitment... Read More
An uncontested divorce is the most common type of divorce.... Read More
Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that... Read More
Raleigh, NC-The largest divorce firm in the state, Rosen Law... Read More
The question of divorce and its lawfulness is of long... Read More
When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few... Read More
You're going to want to be working on your divorce... Read More
One out of every two marriages in America is failing.American... Read More
There is no magic solution to getting issues surrounding child... Read More
Finance in marriage seperation is a very big issue particularly... Read More
When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous... Read More
A common reason why men wont commit could be due... Read More
When we were children we believed in fairy tales and... Read More
Divorce has become part of life in the 21st century.... Read More
The legal divorce vs. your real divorce The legal... Read More
One peculiar feature of a stepfamily is that they are... Read More
Divorce is difficult at the 'best' of times. Even when... Read More
Knowing What To Do In DivorceKnowing what to do when... Read More
Divorce |