4 Steps to Teaching Your Family to Treat You Better

Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and "used" by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.

Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.

He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn't happen anywhere but in this relationship.

Case #3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband's contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce. These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is "no" - but often we can teach them to treat us better!

Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us- both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:

- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was "teaching" them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.

- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.

- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive "attitude" was "teaching" him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.

The dance of anger

Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and ?well, you get the idea!

How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher-of how you would like your family to treat you.

Four ways to change what you teach others

1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic-and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.

2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.

The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer-then be sure to do it!

3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called "empathy," this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.

Acknowledgement doesn't mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint -only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.

4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.

If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is "ok" for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn't bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.

2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.

Dr. Tony Fiore (http://www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com

---

Stress Symptoms

Stress relief and managementRecognizing stress symptoms can be a positive... Read More

Bite-Size Chunks! The Power Of Daily Actions

There may be so much you want to change in... Read More

Some Tips for Mental Well Being - Ways to Help Yourself!

Get at least 15 minutes of sunshine daily.Daily Exercise -... Read More

Put the 80/20 Rule to Work for Your Life!

Perhaps you've heard of the 80/20 rule, but don't know... Read More

Top 10 Tips on Managing Conflict, Emotional Tension, and Anger

To be a safe and predictable person for those around... Read More

Stress Reduction Tips for Parents

The best way to reduce your stress is to really... Read More

Taking Care of Yourself

Living in our world today can be very stressful. While... Read More

Setting High Personal Standards

In his book, The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness, author... Read More

Haris Stress Inventory

Conceptualizing stress: Stress often has a negative connotation. Failure, illnesses,... Read More

Stress Busting Strategies

Learn to have healthy relationships:This subject could fill an entire... Read More

12 Proven Ways To Relieve Stress Today!

Do you feel that you just don't have the time... Read More

Taming September: Avoiding Fall Frenzy

When September rolls around, does it generally hit you like... Read More

It is Looking Up for Stress Relief

No this is not related to praying, this is how... Read More

Stressed Out? It May Be Your Job

"I'm stressed out."If you find yourself thinking--or saying--this on a... Read More

Wholistics

I have yet to see a scientist talk about the... Read More

I?m Gettin? Really Torqued!

For those of you who have been living in a... Read More

How to Say No and Let Go of Stress

It was one of the first words you learned to... Read More

The Cost of Stress ? the Need to Monitor and Manage the Risks!

How much attention is paid to one of the biggest... Read More

Rising to the Top: Overcoming Bad Situations

We've all been there, right? We find ourselves living with... Read More

Army Ranger Reveals How to Control Corporate Stress

"Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into... Read More

Stress Management:: 4 Critical Distinctions

Stress Vs PressureStress is something we all have, it's not... Read More

Managing Your Persistent Fears And Anxieties

Everybody deals with fear and anxiety, however some people have... Read More

Sometimes C.O.P.I.N.G Is All We Can Do

We strive for excellence in our lives, going at full... Read More

Extreme Self-care: Make Time for Yourself

If you've recently experienced loss or are going through a... Read More

The Underlying Cause of Nervous Breakdowns

Life can offer us many challenges having to do with... Read More

7 Tips to Help You De-stress & Handle Your Problems

Life would be so wonderful if it weren't for other... Read More

How To Stop Computers Stressing You Out

Of all the forms of stress in today's world, computer... Read More

Workplace Stress: What to Do During Down Times?

The main problem in a down economy is that workplaces... Read More

Make a Handbag - Discover Inner Peace and Stress Reduction

Have you ever considered sewing a handbag as an act... Read More

Permission to Play

At what age does the benefit of play cease? Child... Read More

Stress: Daily Self-Care Habits to Manage Stress

Today we have more stress in our lives than ever... Read More

Stress Managment and Mastery: 6 Stress Busting Tips

In a hectic world, it's all too easy to reach... Read More

Anger Management: Is It Finally Time To Forgive?

In order to free ourselves from the pain of anger... Read More