Q: I seem to beat myself before I ever get started. I catch myself trying to talk myself out of doing anything because of all the obstacles I see. And then I end up regretting not doing anything and get more and more frustrated. A friend of mine pointed this pattern out to me, but neither one of us knows what to do about it. What should I do?
A: I know what it is.
It's your stinking thinking.
Both of the thinking patterns you describe are examples of stinking thinking, or put differently, thoughts that are so unhelpful, they stink. Another way to think of them are as SDTs or self-defeating thoughts. The two that seem to be hanging you up the most are so common I even have special names for them: Mr. Yabuts and Ms. Ifonly Ida. Let's take a closer look at each of these patterns of stinking-thinking SDTs, and then how to change them.
MR. YABUTS
Mr. Yabuts rears his ugly head when we say something like, "YEAH, I really need to do that, BUT . . ." We can easily "yeah but" ourselves into inaction _ defeated before we even start. Yeah buts are self-defeating, but they serve a self-protective function. If you can convince yourself there is no reason to even attempt to do what you want, then you no longer face the risk of trying and failing. While this can protect you, it also cripples you.
Mr. Yabuts also shows up in the business world and serves as a good example of how to change this self-defeating pattern. Many times when a solution is offered, someone who will say, "Yeah, but . . ." This is followed by all the reasons the idea will not work. A useful alternative to "yeah, but" is "yes, and . . ." followed by a realistic listing of the problems and - here's the crucial part - a reasonable plan of action to deal with them.
In our personal lives, we typically say "yeah but" when we are dreaming about something we want, get scared, and then try to talk ourselves out of pursuing our dreams. Instead of stopping ourselves with "yeah buts," we need to ask, "and what is stopping me?"
The answer is usually ourselves. The same solution applies: Make a list of the obstacles and then create a reasonable plan to effectively deal with them.
MS. IFONLY IDA
Ms. Ifonly Ida shows up as a self-defeating form of regret, as in "If only I'd have (fill in the blank), then everything would be OK."
The purpose of healthy regret is to help us learn from our mistakes, not make the same ones over and over.
By focusing on the past, Ifonly Ida robs you of your present and future. Have you ever tried to drive your car looking only through the rear-view mirror? It's a silly notion, but it's how we live our lives when we get caught up in Ifonly Ida.
When you catch yourself using this particular brand of self-defeating thinking, stop and ask yourself some better questions, such as: "What can I learn from this situation?" "What mistakes did I make that I never want to make again?" "How can I use what I've experienced and learned to live better the next time I face a similar situation?"
These questions help you do two important things with past regrets: Make a place for them because they did happen and to not acknowledge them keeps you from learning from them; and put past regret in its place, which is behind you. Then you are able to live in such a way as to create few, if any, future regrets.
One way to avoid future regrets is to ask yourself, "How will I feel about this decision tomorrow, in a year, and at the end of my life?" Learn and then live so you have as few Ifonly Idas in the future as possible.
Mr. Yabuts or Ms. Ifonly Ida are bad enough each by itself. Combine them and you've set up a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck. Get rid of one of them, and you are doing better. Get rid of both, and you're on your way.
My suggestion is to kick both out of your brain, because they are taking up lots of room and not paying any rent.
Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.
? If it takes me to periphery (Drifted into continuous... Read More
When we were children, we were fearless. We would stick... Read More
Want to improve your personal performance? Positive self-talk can help.Edward... Read More
Are you completely happy in your life right now? Honestly?... Read More
How are you? That's a loaded question, and I'll tell... Read More
Knowing yourself is the foundation of self-esteem, self confidence and... Read More
Are you the kind of person who dwells on your... Read More
The infamous "glass ceiling" is blamed for business issues for... Read More
Turn brutality into kindness. There is no small deed and... Read More
Can you really plan a life-changing experience, or do they... Read More
If you work toward what you dream, the dream can... Read More
Most of us start the day like we're trying to... Read More
We all know them. We all have somebody like them... Read More
"Those people who think they can do something and those... Read More
Unhappy? Stressed out? Do you feel you not only want... Read More
Clear Conflict with Forgiveness:Forgiveness is the means to solve all... Read More
For the twelve hundred hostages, most especially Timur Kasumova.It's a... Read More
Do you realize that what we believe about ourselves, affects... Read More
I'm sure most of you remember the children's book about... Read More
What do you do when things in your life don't... Read More
I have a 440-page guide on how to simplify my... Read More
As we enter this holiday season, and this time of... Read More
"Where are your bananas?" It seemed like a logical question... Read More
I have had many confidence issues in my life, all... Read More
Every emotion, wether we classify it as good or bad,... Read More
Often, I've come across individuals who, while in conversation, will... Read More
You got up today to go to work, to come... Read More
Often when radical change occurs in our lives we feel... Read More
I have studied the idea of changing thoughts to create... Read More
Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Is the glass... Read More
Occasionally people will ask me how I keep a positive... Read More
The only constant is change. If theres one thing we... Read More
Quote of the week:"Of all the attitudes we can acquire,... Read More
Emotions have the tendency to take over our actions and... Read More
Many of us allow our fear to stop us in... Read More
Occasionally people will ask me how I keep a positive... Read More
I'm a working mother with a preschooler, worrying about Mom... Read More
Using an opponent's force against them is the fundamental teaching... Read More
Recently, I coached a young woman whom I'll call Mary... Read More
"At birth, a baby's brain contains 100 billion neurons, roughly... Read More
I'm often asked how it is that I stay so... Read More
It sounds a little masochistic, but I actually appreciate being... Read More
I believe that one of the best ways to stay... Read More
Most of us start the day like we're trying to... Read More
Are you a person who loves challenges, or hates them?... Read More
When you change your thoughts, you change your life. The... Read More
I had a completely different idea for my main article... Read More
For the twelve hundred hostages, most especially Timur Kasumova.It's a... Read More
The mind absolutely amazes me. It will never be understood,... Read More
A Yale University study a few years ago revealed that... Read More
Would you like to be confident in the things you... Read More
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is... Read More
If you work toward what you dream, the dream can... Read More
Look at this glass on the table in front of... Read More
If we are the products of our attitudes then it... Read More
Barry was on the phone in his office, speaking with... Read More
Words, Ignorance, and Casper The Friendly Ghost!Do your best to... Read More
Who can control a smile sneaking across your face as... Read More
Once upon a time, I was a vibrant, youthful teenager...My... Read More
"In life, if you give yourself a concession, you'd take... Read More
Your ability to forgive those who have hurt you in... Read More
Does that title make you cringe? It made me cringe... Read More
There is no such thing as failure ? only feedback... Read More
Life is an enigma...It starts without our knowledge, grows without... Read More
As I swooshed down the Zoom Flume water slide at... Read More
It really doesn't matter what your objectives are in this... Read More
Positive Attitude Tips |