Criticism is punitive
Our children judge themselves on the opinions we have of them. When we use harsh words, demeaning adjectives or a sarcastic tone of voice, we literally strip a child's core of self-confidence and make them less likely to try to please us.
Studies have shown that verbal abuse is more likely than physical abuse to damage children's self esteem.
Not only does it damage their soul, it is counter productive to cooperation and lasting change.
Encouragement is uplifting
Encouragement is the process of focusing on your children's assets and strengths in order to build their self-confidence and feelings of worth.
Parents need to convey though words and gestures that we appreciate their efforts and improvement, not just their accomplishments. We need to make sure they understand that our love and acceptance is not dependent on their behavior or winning the prize in soccer.
Positive correction that changes behavior
A very effective way of communicating is create a verbal Encouragement Sandwich:
1 Start off with a slice of the bread of life. For example, "I really admire the way you are learning to take better care of your things."
2. Next, add a little mayo spread lightly, "I felt happy when I saw you hang up your new jacket last night."
3. Then, the slice of sharp cheese, "However, I noticed you left your bike outside in the rain again."
4. On top of the cheese, a little spicy mustard to catch their attention, "Please put it away every night or we will have to lock it up for a week each time it is left out.".
5. Finally, another slice of bread, "All in all, you are a responsible kid and I have confidence you will choose to take better care of your bike."
Do they get the message of the mistake of leaving the bike out? Yes, but it is not by attacking them personally and this method of correction gives them an incentive to do better.
Nurturing better behavior
Some parents and care givers, particularly those who did not receive much love or encouragement in their childhoods, often fail to see the importance of nurturing the inner core of a child. The sad part of this is that encouragement and kind feedback will bring about positive change, whereas criticism brings about rebellion, anger and loss of self worth.
Encouragement Works
Zig Ziglar, an internationally known motivational speaker, has said "When we have positive input, we have positive output, and when we have negative input, we have negative output."
As a parent educator, mother and grandmother, may I suggest that you need to be very careful of the words you choose to motivate your children?
It helps if you break up the word to read "en" courage, which means giving a gift of courage: the courage to keep trying, to keep up the good work, to focus on next time and not give up. This courage helps the child realize that they can make mistakes and they will still be loved and valued. Where as "dis" courage or criticism takes away the courage to try new things or work harder for fear of getting in trouble and displeasing the adults.
What choices could you make next time?
Help the child and yourself recognize that mistakes are never final and frequently we get a "do-over" or a second chance. The past is done; we can learn from it and then focus on the future
For a listing of encouraging words and phrases, please check out the website www.ArtichokePress.com.
Thank you for doing a great job
Those of you working with children on a daily basis do the most important work in the world. I applaud your efforts and "en" courage you to choose your words carefully when you want the children you care for to improve their behavior. Words have the power to build up or destroy. As caring adults the goal is to strengthen the character of the child as well as get the jackets, bikes, toys, etc. picked up on a consistent basis.
© 2005 Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator
This article was written by Judy Wright, parent educator and author. Feel free to use it in your newsletter or publication, but please give full credit to the author and mention the contact information of JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com
Most day cares are non-profit organizations that must operate within... Read More
How would you like to have more time? Of course... Read More
AD/HD (attention deficit disorder) is one of the most common... Read More
Many young people don't know how to study efficiently and... Read More
The big yellow school bus is coming down my road... Read More
Although many children are picky eaters at some stage in... Read More
After giving up my profession to become a wife, a... Read More
Sex has a lot to answer for ? babies usually... Read More
Despite serious reductions in funding for arts programs in... Read More
Prenatal intelligence, also known as fetal intelligence, has become a... Read More
Nail biting in all its various forms is problematic... Read More
Younger generations unfortunately will not understand how larger than life... Read More
Are men to blame for the divorce problem in this... Read More
Like anything else in life, there's a method to the... Read More
"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More
Courage means doing the right thing when it is hard,... Read More
Managing money is one of the most critical skills we... Read More
One of the most prevalent problems of the computer age... Read More
As the new school year begins, parents play a pivotal... Read More
When a couple steps forth with a baby in tow... Read More
Here's a scene: A parent "might suddenly grab a happliy... Read More
My daughters and I went to the beach several weeks... Read More
Do you really want your child to enjoy playing with... Read More
As parents, we strive to address all of the questions... Read More
Well first off, please to don't institute the ½ hour... Read More
You send your child to school and the teachers teach... Read More
You have just received a call from your child's teacher... Read More
Every parent wants their child to develop positive character traits.... Read More
(Excerpted from Jim Rohn's 2004 Weekend Leadership Event)You have to... Read More
If your child or teen has been diagnosed with Attention... Read More
Traditionally, babies have been named at a christening/baptism.... Read More
Look around: Your kids are counting sleeps until the last... Read More
Sometime the most effective training tool in rapidly accelerating the... Read More
Parents, do you have children who do poorly in school,... Read More
Results of the Spanking Poll on Rexanne.com: Voters - 233Percentage... Read More
Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More
Q. With the school year just beginning, what can we... Read More
One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More
"I don't know and I don't care."I've heard those words... Read More
When we consider that the word allowance means, "allowing for,"... Read More
Puberty can be a difficult time for children. Not quite... Read More
Do you know what these famous people have in common?Alexander... Read More
Ritalin has been shown through the years to be very... Read More
Courage means doing the right thing when it is hard,... Read More
Corolle Paul or Emma Drink-and-Wet SET potty dollsThis is the... Read More
Be aware. You may become totally overwhelmed when you get... Read More
Meningitis is an inflammation of the membranes around the brain... Read More
Parents play a critical role in their child's success. These... Read More
Hey Parents! I hate to tell you, but there is... Read More
Parental example, whether for good or for bad, is undoubtedly... Read More
"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas SalkThe... Read More
Are your children truthful, kind, and helpful? If so, read... Read More
If you ever walk through an orphanage, it will be... Read More
For most children, it is easy to learn to read... Read More
In "The Ring Bear," a picture book by Tigard resident... Read More
As a parent you will be asked to assist with... Read More
John Bishop's Goal Setting for Students.comParents ? Minimize Homework Hassles?It's... Read More
Emotional OverloadMany single parents say they deal with a variety... Read More
Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More
"Will my doubts and fears affect my child?" This father... Read More
Salon visits can be scary experiences for small children: They... Read More
Time devoted the better part of an issue to it.... Read More
Back to school preparations are in full-swing. Soon, the first... Read More
Elana, born in Russia, was told "We really don't know... Read More
Whether we realize it or not we teach our children... Read More
My name is Duncan and I'm 2 years old. I... Read More
Parenting |