Many parents seem to be more than a little confused about what they have a right to know about their teens.
The question I often get goes something like this:
"We want to know where our 16-year-old son is going to be, and who he is with. He makes it sound as if we are the most out-of-it parents, and that it is abusively embarrassing to him that we want to know what he and his friends are doing. Are we being fair?"
You have the right, need and obligation to know all these things, and more. I believe that every parent of a teen has the right to know and the crucial need to know several pieces of information that I call the W's.
These crucial W's are:
1) Who they are spending time with. One of the most powerful forces in the life of a teen is influence: of parents, media, culture and especially friends.
With friends, it's not the question of can your children be influenced, but how they will be influenced. We have come to use the cliche of peer pressure, but this is really about influence.
One of the clearest warning signs of problems is when a teen has two sets of friends _ one that the parents know, and one the parents have never seen and your kid does not want you to see.
Your teen does not want you to see them for a reason, and it's not a good one. A good rule of thumb is that your teen is not allowed to go anywhere with someone you have not at least met. Another simple but little-used strategy is to know the parents of your teen's friends. Also, if you can make your home the hub of his or her circle of friends, where lots of activity takes place or at least begins, you have a good thing going.
2) What they are going to be doing. "But Mom, (stretched into a two or three syllable word) we don't know what we are going to be doing!" Possible answers _ "Well, you'll need to know the answer, and then I'll need to know the answer before you can go" or "That's fine for now, when you decide you must let me know."
Another one you will hear is "But everyone else gets to do it!" This is one the Top 10 things never to believe. It's just not true. Everyone else does not get to do it. And even if they did, you as a parent still have the right to say no.
3) Where they are going. The what and the where go together, and the same rules apply. Watch out for the scam where Billy tells his parents that he is going to Bobby's house, and Bobby tells his parents he is going to Billy's house. This one can be easily handled and checked on when you know the parents of your teen's friends.
4) When will they be back. This brings up the pleasant issue of curfew. The dilemma: Parents want kids home at a certain time, kids want to stay out later.
I've never encountered the situation where a kid wanted his curfew to be earlier. Solution: The parents pick a curfew time. Notice I said the parents and not the parents and kids. This one begins with the parents, and then it's up to the kids to earn more.
While we are at it, let's define late. Late is late, and 10 p.m. is 10 p.m., unless there is something major that is unavoidable. If you consistently make 10:10 acceptable and not late, you send the message that the rules don't really count, and you foster more and more lateness, not to mention giving up your power as a parent.
If the curfew is kept for three months, an additional 15 minutes is added. If they are late during the three months, the three-month earning period starts over from that point.
This model represents the real world where privileges are not just given but earned based on performance.
I've seen more than one family make this a very smooth process by requiring that a small form be filled out, answering all the W's before a request to go out is even considered.
Now, a word of warning:
Your teens will not like this. That's OK because that is not the point. The point is to teach responsibility and other things about the real world, and make this labor-intensive job of parenting a teen just a little less stressful.
While requiring your teens to obey the W's may not be easy, it sure can help you to avoid some other loathsome W's, such as: Waiting up until the Wee hours of the morning, Wondering and Worrying.
Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More
Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More
The first year of a child's life is the most... Read More
Most of us can agree that there is a lack... Read More
There's a new kind of fun and calm out there... Read More
Our children are growing up bilingual in the French part... Read More
There are so many learning labels floating around these days... Read More
1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make... Read More
I remember watching my 18-month-old son eat a big frosted... Read More
Are you a parent concerned about passing values on to... Read More
More and more parents are expressing their concerns about how... Read More
Dear Camille,As I thumb through the photographs that I carry... Read More
My husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter who wanted... Read More
My kids just can't get enough of playing games with... Read More
Here are some tips that I have picked up from... Read More
Home schooling. What is it? What does it mean to... Read More
Are you a frustrated parent who sometimes finds it is... Read More
Q. I don't like my children spending so much time... Read More
Is your baby approaching his or her first birthday and... Read More
What is hard for parentsLetting them learn from their mistakes.Trying... Read More
In our last issue we posted some of our suggested... Read More
When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it's... Read More
Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children in the United... Read More
As with everything, names go through cycles of change with... Read More
What would it be like to have a clone? What... Read More
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More
I had my first two children on either side of... Read More
Oh Please, Don't Say Maybe!!!!Are you often a participant in... Read More
Isn't it ironic that a country whose constitution allows for... Read More
Many research studies have shown the overall effectiveness of stimulant... Read More
Plus size children and overweight children need patterns and clothing... Read More
It is so important to create an environment that promotes... Read More
It's hard to explain to the uninitiated the changes that... Read More
1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make... Read More
'How can I start getting my children to help out... Read More
If you really want to get your children to eat... Read More
Prioritize. Learn to say No. Steal some time for yourself.Don't... Read More
During the assessment process it is of great importance for... Read More
The Flow of WaterWater is essential for life on the... Read More
Being in a competitive world, the lowest qualification to secure... Read More
Children bombard parents with many challenging behaviours. We are delighted... Read More
The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to... Read More
It was no contest. Given a choice between a ball... Read More
A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More
Maryann is so focused she's blind. She's slipped over the... Read More
You are sitting with the professionals who know about learning... Read More
One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More
"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More
"Setting the alarm on Sunday mornings is inhuman?..God should know... Read More
Something eerily familiar happened in KwaZulu-Natal's Hluhluwe-Umfolozi Park in Africa... Read More
"I don't know and I don't care."I've heard those words... Read More
Finding out that a child has been born with a... Read More
Successful parents have learned to be both firm and kind... Read More
In dealing with children with autism spectrum disorders, its all... Read More
Reading is the most efficient and economical way to help... Read More
It can be said that any man who procreates is... Read More
In the last few years, parents started getting more and... Read More
A strange thing happened to me today. Or more precisely,... Read More
When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More
Winifred or Willow? Thomas or Troy? The name you choose... Read More
A fun way to build your child's imaginationWriting is still... Read More
If you're looking for toys that are both fun to... Read More
When planning a child birthday party, just a little bit... Read More
Despite the theory that people have kids because they want... Read More
Do any other reality TV junkies remember a show on... Read More
My son, Dakota is now 7 yrs old. He is... Read More
Parenting |