Marriage Advice: Seven Marriage Myths You Can?t Afford to Ignore

If you're like most people, you probably entered into marriage with a number of unchallenged assumptions in place. These assumptions may have been about what marriage is and entails, about love, or about your spouse. While you may have already bumped into reality concerning some of your assumptions, you still may be operating with others firmly in place.

Why should you be concerned if this is the case? Because what you aren't aware of can blindside you down the marital road, that's why. Life throws in enough surprises on its own, so you don't want to be caught off guard unnecessarily.

The following misguided assumptions can get you into trouble in your marriage. Review them for a quick reality check:

1. You should always feel loving toward your spouse.

It's not realistic to think that you'll always have loving feelings toward your spouse. There are occasions when Lee and I are upset with each other and we don't like each other very much. We may have to make an effort to remind ourselves of the other person's positive traits.

At those times, we know that underneath all of our upset feelings we still love each other, but the predominant feelings we're experiencing are anger and hurt. And it's difficult to feel loving when you're frustrated, feeling resentful, or harboring anger toward your spouse.

That's when it's vitally important to clear the air as soon as possible so you can be in harmony with your spouse and get those loving feelings back.

2. Love should consistently feel the same way.

Feelings vary in intensity over time. It's just not possible to experience forever the ecstatic feelings that can be there when a relationship is new and you've just fallen in love. At that time, every sensation is ultra intense and heightened.

But the feelings associated with the initial or honeymoon period of every relationship eventually change. Love deepens and grows in different ways.

Of course, there are still wonderful high's, but there are other feelings in the cycle of love that you also experience-a rhythmic waning and waxing of desire, the enjoyment of companionship, and the comfortableness of knowing someone well and sharing a history together. Love has many faces and produces a variety of feelings during a marriage.

3. Your spouse should just "know" what you need without you having to tell him or her.

It's not unusual to feel that if your spouse really loved you, he or she would somehow be aware of your needs and desires without having to ask you. But in reality, most of us do rather poorly when we try to second guess someone else or try to "read their mind."

This particular assumption leads to many hurt feelings in a marriage. "He should have known that I wouldn't want to celebrate my birthday with his family." Or "She should have known that all I wanted from her was a little understanding and sympathy."

When this happens, spouses often erroneously conclude that their spouse must not love them or they would have been more tuned in to their wishes and needs. But the responsibility to let your spouse know what you need and want ultimately rests on you. Give your partner feedback and clues so he or she can have the information needed to make different choices.

4. If you really love each other, keeping a loving relationship shouldn't take much work.

I've heard this or statements similar to this numerous times. But the sobering reality is that relationships always take a lot of work.

It's a challenge to keep the communication channels clear of debris and residue from disagreements. It takes time and effort to follow up by checking with the other person to be sure that things aren't building up under the surface and that everything is truly okay now.

This process can be compared to housecleaning. You can clean the house one week, but by the next week it needs cleaning again. It's a constant cycle-the same is true in a marriage relationship. What you ignore doesn't just go away; it stays right where it is, waiting for more dust or debris to collect on top of it.

5. Being married lets you off the hook in the romance department and sets you up in the sex department.

This assumption has tripped many spouses up. As a counselor, many times I've heard the statement, "But I thought now that we're married, I didn't have to do all of that romantic stuff I used to do."

Often this is said when the marriage problems are already serious and the marriage is in crisis. It just makes good sense to take the offensive and make the effort to find ways to be romantic throughout your marriage. If you do, you'll be accumulating those "good will" bank deposits or "brownie points" that Lee likes to talk about.

And as for thinking that marriage assures you of unlimited great sex without any extra effort on your part, that's a fantasy. Emotional intimacy sets the stage for great sex and depends on good communication, plus a host of other qualities such as sensitivity and empathy, all of which take work.

6. Your spouse will speak up and tell you if he or she is unhappy in the marriage.

This is an assumption which has been the undoing of many marriages. The reality is that numerous spouses are uncomfortable with anger and are afraid that expressing it will damage the relationship. So they try to bury their feelings and pretend that everything is okay.

It pays to be observant and pay attention to your spouse's tone of voice and non-verbal communication. It also pays to learn to disagree without attacking each other and to be respectful even when you don't understand how your spouse could possibly have such odd ideas.

When you create a safe environment for discussing your real feelings, you increase the likelihood that your spouse will gain the courage to share from the heart with you. You can help this process by taking the lead in making yourself vulnerable by sharing your real feelings in a respectful way.

7. The commitment expressed in your wedding vows is enough to sustain your relationship.

The commitment you made to your spouse and marriage on your wedding day was certainly important-and it counts for a lot. But it's not enough.

It's all-too-easy to treat the marriage commitment as a one-time thing, when the reality is that a satisfying, healthy relationship requires daily commitment-over and over again, day by day. It's similar to what individuals do who are successful in 12-step programs for sobriety-they recommit to their sobriety each day.

The recovering alcoholic may say, "Just for today, I'm sober, with God's help." The spouse with a successful marriage makes a daily commitment, also, even if it's unspoken-"Today I will honor my marriage and be the best supportive partner I can be." It's that level of daily dedication and commitment that makes the difference in marriages that make it and those that don't.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

---

Planning Your Wedding Reception

Great deals can be found when you know how much... Read More

Wedding Planning Ideas and Guidelines

Wedding planning is a difficult task for everyone. Unless you... Read More

Let Your Wedding Flowers Speak the Language of Love

Congratulations! You have found the man of your dreams and... Read More

Dance Music for the Wedding Reception

The most enjoyable part of the wedding reception is the... Read More

Wedding Photography - Tips for a Wonderful Session

Every couple wants wonderful photos of their wedding day that... Read More

How to Keep Hope Alive During a Marriage Crisis

During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole... Read More

Bridesmaids Gifts: a Token of Love, Appreciation and Affection

No one has as much fun as the bride to... Read More

Love Connections - How Wonderful They Are

I've been noticing a few things lately that a few... Read More

A Unique Diamond Engagement Ring ? In Platinum

Diamond engagement rings for many years typically came in the... Read More

Weddings - Wedding Plan - Wedding Planner Tools - Ten Essential Tips

Getting Married? Congratulations! You just set the date for the... Read More

Wedding Planning: Prioritize to Stay Within Your Wedding Budget

So you're planning your wedding and a thousand decisions must... Read More

Wedding Gifts for Second Marriages

Second marriages can be a tricky situation for a variety... Read More

How to Write a Love Letter

Let's talk about writing love letters.Not candy coated pap. Not... Read More

Ten Tips for Writing Your Perfect Wedding Vows

1. Start with a nice clean piece of paper (lavender... Read More

Wedding Receiving Line Etiquette?Greeting Your Guests with Style

Even though it's a great tradition with a long history,... Read More

How to Plan a Cheap Wedding

There's no doubt about it, weddings can be expensive. The... Read More

Gatlinburg Honeymoon Packages

Gatlinburg in Tennessee is the city with streets of art... Read More

Fabulous Wedding Favors For Every Budget

Wedding favors are a delightful detail for any wedding shower,... Read More

All You Ever Wanted to Know About Wedding Officiants

Tracking down a wedding officiant can be a little intimidating.... Read More

Choosing a Wedding Reception and Banquet Facility

It's time to look for a banquet facility. Most clients... Read More

Men?s Moissanite Wedding Rings To Beat Other Gifts Any Day

Whoever said diamonds are women's best friends, surely missed on... Read More

Considering Success in Marriage

Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and... Read More

Wonderful White Gold Wedding Rings

The elegant and sophisticated look of glittering, gleaming gold. There's... Read More

Wedding Flowers -- Determining What You Need

Wedding flowers make up a large part of the wedding... Read More

Mens Moissanite Wedding Rings, or Is Moissanite a Mans Best Friend?

As mens wedding rings become more and more popular mens... Read More

How To Hire A DJ For Your Wedding

Hiring music entertainment can arguably be the most important booking... Read More

Choosing A Wedding Photographer

The wedding day is the day that most women wait... Read More

Expressions of Devotion: Buying Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings, and Wedding Bands Online

Ritual symbolism abounds in everything we do; this is particularly... Read More

Basic Tips for Planning a Wedding

Planning a wedding should be fun and exciting. However, if... Read More

Wedding Planning: Benefits of Online Wedding RSVPs

Want to manage your wedding guests with style and ease?... Read More

Cheap Wedding Invitations

Every couple has different priorities when it comes to budgeting... Read More

The Bachelor Party: A Guide For The Best Man

If you forget the ring, there is still a chance... Read More

Helping The Control Freak Plan The Wedding

My daughter and fiancé have finally set the "big day"... Read More