I am a woman, 42, who three years ago married a wonderful man who will be 48 on his next birthday. I love him very, very much. The only problem is our sex life is horrible. Pretty much nonexistent. I can safely say we have had sex maybe 20 times in our six year relationship.
When I've tried numerous times to talk to him, he gets defensive and says, "There's nothing wrong with me." He also says, if I want to have sex, I should just say so. But when I make advances, he pushes me away thinking I am playing with him. Then he leaves the room. Of course I get frustrated, out of the mood, and give up.
I love my husband so much I don't make a big deal of it, although I know this is not normal or healthy. I can't get him to go to counseling or discuss this. I am at my sexual peak, and I am tired of dreaming of sex with other men. I want our relationship to work, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
Claire
Claire, you can work on planting a garden, you can work on your weight loss, you can work on your reading speed. But you cannot work on someone else's problem, unless they are willing, and failure is guaranteed when they tell you they do not have a problem.
Thoreau said, "It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak and another to hear." Your husband will not hear or discuss reality, the reality of the situation as you see it. You married him knowing he had this problem. Marriage does not cure a problem, it makes you a party to it for awhile.
Is this the hard lesson you had to learn? That you cannot marry a man with a serious problem and expect to fix it.
Calling Her Bluff
I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and he is going through the longest divorce known to man. His soon-to-be ex knows of me and told him she is insanely jealous. She makes my life complete hell by e-mailing him sexual innuendoes, asking him for expensive gifts, and calling him an average of 12 times a day.
I told him to cut the cord. If he wants to be with me, he has to protect me, be true to me, and make me feel secure in this relationship. We even tried counseling a few years back, and then he cheated on me with her. Many times I told him to get on with this divorce or I would be gone, but it doesn't seem to scare him anymore.
How do I get my point across to this man, and do I have any grounds to tell this woman to leave him alone and just tend to her children?
Paige
Paige, the one thing which may set you free is to look on this situation from a different point of view. He didn't cheat on you with her. She's his wife. He's cheating on her with you. You describe her as his soon-to-be ex, but "soon-to-be ex" is a term more likely to describe your future, not hers.
You threaten and threaten to leave, and you never do. Bluffing in poker may be good strategy, but bluffing in life is weak. Once your bluff is called, you've lost all power and all credibility. And counseling? Think about how funny that is. You went for relationship counseling with a man in a marriage to another woman.
Why do you keep plodding forward? Because you want to be married. There is nothing wrong with that. But you cannot marry someone who is already married. There is a simple solution. Don't give up wanting to be married, just give up married men.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 22, 2004
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
'Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.' This is... Read More
When it comes to choosing your wedding decorations, you must... Read More
The key to being a gracious bride is to be... Read More
In case you've been living on another planet for the... Read More
You have to start with a thorough to do list... Read More
Dear Friends of Marriage,There is a lot of talk on... Read More
This is intended as a guide to help you plan... Read More
Games for a wedding shower are the best ways to... Read More
Through my personal & professional coaching practice, marital issues often... Read More
The wearing of a man wedding ring is a relatively... Read More
Wedding centerpieces help tie together the look of your entire... Read More
Once you've mortgaged the rest of your life for the... Read More
"Presence is more than just being there," states Malcolm S.Forbes.... Read More
"Extreme age differences between husband and wife may lead to... Read More
Astrology is considered to be the oldest of all sciences,... Read More
The extravagance of weddings is a popular topic. We blame... Read More
When you think about couples who renew their wedding vows,... Read More
A wedding is one of life's major rites of passage.... Read More
When planning your wedding, what type of entertainment are you... Read More
In times gone by it wasn't uncommon for young couples... Read More
Wedding favors have always been a nice, personal gesture to... Read More
"What in the world could they have been thinking?"Definitely words... Read More
Reading this article does not necessarily mean that if you... Read More
The selection process of your wedding flowers will usually begin... Read More
Tina Turner asked an important question in the title of... Read More
You may not think of Las Vegas as an area... Read More
A bridal shower is an excellent way for the bride... Read More
Often when you are looking for wedding vendors who suit... Read More
Need a quick idea to dress up a mediocre wedding?... Read More
Too many wives with cheating husbands put up with their... Read More
Planning a second wedding? Prevent favorite guests comparing your second... Read More
Have you ever been lost?My favorite line about being lost... Read More
So, you decided to opt for an outdoor wedding under... Read More
So you have been invited to a wedding. Whether you... Read More
It's important that your makeup look its absolute best for... Read More
Preparing for a wedding, large or small, is overwhelming! A... Read More
Wedding ceremonies are the stuff fairy tales are made of.... Read More
Let's face it retirement is a time of great transition... Read More
In my opinion, these things matter...1. Valuing commitment over instant... Read More
The beginning of the journey of two souls begins with... Read More
Homemade wedding favors come from a centuries old tradition of... Read More
Mens wedding bands are an emerging phenomenon. Whilst women have... Read More
Does it seem like the phrases "ecology" and "wedding" could... Read More
In theory, setting up a registry is simple. You decide... Read More
Need a quick idea to dress up a mediocre wedding?... Read More
Not so many years ago, the proposition of a wedding... Read More
People are looking for life-long relationships in the most peculiar... Read More
Any marriage counselor will tell you that one of the... Read More
When it came to love-making, Napoleon, that short plump bundle... Read More
The most important day of your life is drawing near... Read More
The enchanting Belize honeymoon resorts captivate every visitor through the... Read More
In the last article, we concluded by saying that keeping... Read More
Hiring music entertainment can arguably be the most important booking... Read More
When it comes to your wedding services, nobody wants to... Read More
You invitation is a reflection on the type of wedding... Read More
Australia honeymoon vacations are more than just being the pleasure... Read More
1) Write a mission statement:Most brides spend more time planning... Read More
When we want to be successful at something in life,... Read More
Oregon is one of the most marvelous places in the... Read More
These days, many people take wedding bands and engagement rings... Read More
There are many places to shop for elegant mother of... Read More
One of the most memorable days in our lives is... Read More
Poets, sailors, honeymooners and other romantics have officially declared this... Read More
He ? or she ? asked, and you answered in... Read More
I came across an article today: LOVE AND MARRIAGE THE... Read More
During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole... Read More
Marriage & Wedding |