During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole world is falling apart and all of your dreams are being shattered. Hearing the words "I don't love you anymore," "I want a divorce," or "I don't know if I want to stay married" can leave you reeling from the shock.
Many feelings surface after the initial stunned reaction: anger, fear, anxiety, confusion, resentment, bitterness, desperation, and depression. Everything seems mixed up and slightly unreal, as though this is really happening to someone else, not to you. But, unbelievably, it is happening to you.
This is when you have to use every ounce of courage and strength that you possess and a lot that you didn't know you had until now. Immediately, you have to create space for some private time so that you can take care of yourself, regroup, and create a plan of action.
You might need to take a day off from work, spend some time talking with a close friend, buy a notebook and start writing down your feelings and thoughts, or take a long walk in the park. Another option is to call and schedule a counseling appointment for yourself as soon as possible.
Next, spend some time thinking about how you'll handle the situation. Your goal is to buy time so that your spouse doesn't bolt out of the door prematurely. You want to slow things down so that your spouse can have time to reconsider and, if at all possible, agree to go to counseling with you.
During this time of crisis, you will have to be the "guardian of the marriage flame." It will be up to you to keep hope and love alive so that the fire won't go out. You can complain that it's not fair and that it shouldn't be this way.
But the bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage and your partner wants out, it's going to be up to you to take positive action. During the crisis, you'll need to be willing to do much more than your fair share to keep your marriage alive.
And that means that despite your fear and anxiety, it's up to you to keep hope alive-hope that your marriage will make it-hope that your partner will change his or her mind-hope that your marriage can survive this and be even better than ever.
Here are some tips on how to keep hope alive and cope during this time:
1. Don't give up on your marriage no matter what your spouse has said. People often change their mind. No situation is hopeless if at least one partner is willing to do whatever it truly takes to preserve the marriage. There is always hope that your marriage can be transformed by loving energy. Many spouses reconsider their initial impulse to leave and decide that they have invested too much time and energy to just throw their marriage away without at least trying marriage counseling.
2. Don't take everything your spouse says personally. People often say extreme things when they are upset or trying to justify what they're doing. A partner who feels guilty about telling you she wants a divorce may get really angry instead. A spouse who has never expressed his true feelings about things may finally explode with a long list of your faults through the years.
3. Really anchor in your mind that how you react to the situation will have a major impact on how things go from here. If you keep badgering a spouse who wants some emotional space, you are giving her the perfect excuse to go ahead and leave. You can't control what your spouse chooses to do or not to do, but you can control how you choose to handle the situation.
4. Allow yourself to be "confused." If your spouse asks what you're going to do next, just say that you're confused and need time to think, that you don't want to make any rushed decisions. Being "confused" can defuse a spouse who is just waiting to pick a fight. It also buys you some time.
5. Honor your spouse's request for emotional space, if that is an issue. Back off and take some time to regroup, stabilize yourself, and take the spotlight off of your partner for the time being. You have much to lose if you let your anxiety take over and demand immediate answers to difficult questions.
6. Make a list of all the different things you can do to ground yourself and get more balanced emotionally and physically. Include things like working out at the gym, getting a massage, walking or hiking, letting close friends be supportive, listening to inspirational tapes on the way to work, reading books about people who have survived hard times, receiving power from your spiritual roots and connections, attending services at your church, temple, or mosque, or starting individual counseling sessions. Then make plans to implement the ones you think will help the most.
7. Decide that whatever happens in your marriage, it's important to you to know that you gave it your best shot and that you tried everything you knew to do. So instead of trying to constantly try to figure out what the odds are that your marriage will survive, instead put your energy into doing what you can in a helpful way every day. Be proactive and take positive action.
8. Start expanding your life to include some new interests and activities. Don't wait until everything is settled about your marriage before you start enjoying as much of your life as you can. Your marriage situation may be unresolved, but that doesn't mean you need to brood and obsess about it all the time. Stretch yourself to broaden your world. When you are enjoying yourself by participating in activities that interest you, you become more interesting to others, including your spouse.
9. Make a conscious choice to remain positive and to have the expectation that something good and helpful will come out of this experience in the long run. Your expectation will affect what happens. If you are doubtful, the energy of doubt will permeate your efforts. Tell yourself that there's always a creative solution to any problem. Trust in your ability to be creative, flexible, and resilient.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.
You have your band (around your finger), now it's time... Read More
It's safe to say that out of all the events... Read More
If you are considering a beach wedding, the ideas are... Read More
What should you "walk down the aisle" to? Should you... Read More
Your groomsmen will be donating their time to your big... Read More
Planning a wedding should be fun and exciting. However, if... Read More
One of the most joyous occasions in life is a... Read More
Wedding favors are as unique and varied as the couples... Read More
In our hungry-for-anything new pop culture world, celebrities are often... Read More
You can look fabulous at your daughter's wedding in a... Read More
Diamond spending - well, that is up to you. What... Read More
Oregon is one of the most marvelous places in the... Read More
One of my favorite memories from last year was not... Read More
WHAT HAS WORKED FOR USBrief Reflections On Enjoying 36 Years... Read More
In case you've been living on another planet for the... Read More
1. Weddings typically can cost you anywhere around $15,000 or... Read More
WHAT ARE THE TOP FIVE WEDDING FAVORS AND WHY?At most... Read More
Asian-themed weddings are on the rise, and at first this... Read More
When Maria Callas first appeared on the international scene, she... Read More
If you are looking forward to a vacation of attractive... Read More
Once you've mortgaged the rest of your life for the... Read More
Mexico, a country rich in arts and ancient cultures and... Read More
Gatlinburg in Tennessee is the city with streets of art... Read More
It used to be that if you wanted to buy... Read More
Your physiological and psychological expressions of sexual behavior during the... Read More
Have you ever been lost?My favorite line about being lost... Read More
If you've been around long enough, you're aware of the... Read More
Beach weddings are popular but they do present "special issues".Failing... Read More
If you're looking to the internet for help with your... Read More
The groom traditionally plans the honeymoon. However, most brides prefer... Read More
From purchasing the garter to choosing the photographer, brides (and... Read More
In a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, Jewish wedding rings play... Read More
Your wedding is quite possibly the most important day of... Read More
With so much to do, every bride needs a surefire... Read More
All brides want to be beautiful on their wedding day,... Read More
If you are in the process of design a wedding... Read More
Bridal showers are one of many pre-wedding parties and are... Read More
My parents gave me this advice about marriage. They have... Read More
An anniversary gift is the opportunity to show your loved... Read More
For some couples, jetting off to their dream location would... Read More
Although I do believe in "till death do us part",... Read More
On Friday, 1st May 1835, Mr Charles Dickens, the creator... Read More
Being chosen as a maid of honor is a great... Read More
Simply put, intimacy is more than sex or making love.... Read More
You have to start with a thorough to do list... Read More
Today Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel.com & Bookpleasures.com is pleased... Read More
Need a quick idea to dress up a mediocre wedding?... Read More
The most enjoyable part of the wedding reception is the... Read More
Trust is the basis of all human relationships. Trust can... Read More
Following is a list of question that, I believe, can... Read More
How do you react if your spouse announces "I want... Read More
As mens wedding rings become more and more popular mens... Read More
So you're toying with the idea of getting married? Maybe... Read More
Planning and organizing a wedding budget can greatly reduce the... Read More
As a youngster -- or perhaps even as an adult... Read More
In the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have... Read More
The possibilities are endless when it comes to creating (or... Read More
There is nothing more romantic than a wedding by water... Read More
Oregon is one of the most marvelous places in the... Read More
Let's think about what goes into your wedding budget. Your... Read More
With today's economy, and the layoffs occurring as a result... Read More
Remember the frenzy of the paparazzi when they caught Sarah... Read More
From the book Spider's Big CatchAs June wraps its arms... Read More
Well you may not become a billionaire or even a... Read More
When you come to choose a wedding gift it's no... Read More
All brides want that one photograph that perfectly captures the... Read More
Marriage & Wedding |