When Alicia first met Tim, she found him outgoing, charming, and easy to talk to. She thought he was very witty and funny, always the life of the party with everyone gathered around him. Yes, he flirted a lot, but while he was talking, he'd turn to wink at her, take her hand, or put his arm around her shoulder as he continued talking.
But sometime in the two years following their marriage, Alicia started feeling differently about Tim's extraverted side. It seemed to her that he was flirting too much and too blatantly while she sat on the sidelines, feeling left out. Most of the time, Tim didn't even introduce Alicia as his wife. If Alicia said anything to Tim about her feelngs, he told her that she was over-reacting. As she became increasingly more hurt, resentful, and withdrawn, the emotional climate in the marrige cooled considerably, and the marriage became less satisfying for both of them. Neither one knew what to do.
Flirting on the part of a spouse causes marriage problems for numerous couples. And it can at times be difficult to distinguish between a spouse with an extraverted personality who just naturally likes to joke and kid around versus the partner who is continually "on the make."
Flirting behavior has varying causes. If you have known your partner for a long time and have never had any reason to believe he or she has cheated on you, then you are probably married to an extravert who has a flirty personality. This can still be annoying and frustrating, but at least you basically know what you're dealing with.
Spouses can also engage in flirting to meet their own emotional needs such as feeling liked, being popular, or being thought of as funny, entertaining, attractive, or sexy. Excessive flirting can be a sign of someone who is trying too hard to attract and keep attention focused on himself or herself because they are needy emotionally.
Flirting can also be a passive-aggressive way of getting even with a partner. The spouse may have felt rejected sexually and emotionally, so the flirting can be a message to the partner to shape up or risk losing the marriage. It can also be an attempt to get the spouse's attention, hoping to make him or her jealous and bring about an increase in the marital passion.
And, of course, consistent excessive flirting can be a sign of someone with a sexual addiction who is constantly on the prowl looking for his or her next sexual contact and conquest. A spouse in this category needs professional help from an addictions counselor, but the help won't be effective unless the person wants to be helped.
So what can you do about your spouse's flirtatious ways? one of the steps you can take is to write a letter outlining your feelings. In the case of Alicia and Tim mentioned in the opening paragraphs, Alicia could tell Tim how much the fact that he doesn't introduce her to others as his wife hurts her feelings. She could ask for him to include her in the conversations, to put his arm around her, to hold her hand, or to turn and smile at her occasionally. That way she is telling him some things he could do to lessen her anxiety and distress.
Another thing Alicia could do is to become more assertive about speaking up, becoming a part of the conversation when Tim is flirting, and letting people know that she's Tim's wife. If Tim says, "This is Alicia" when introducing her, Alicia could say, "Nice to meet you. I'm Tim's wife." Note that I'm not advocating that Alicia follow Tim around or try to "catch" him in flirting behavior-that's a recipe for disaster. But I am suggesting that when she is already present, she can casually drop into conversation that she and Tim are married, such as "It's fun to have such a witty husband! Tim has always been able to make me laugh."
Don't get into an argument about whether you are over-reacting to your spouse's flirting. Say upfront that you realize the two of you have differing perceptions and you're not accusing him of doing anything wrong. You just know that if you don't share your feelings and feel heard you may have resentments and hurt feelings that build up and eventually harm the marriage. You want to feel that your spouse has really listened to your concerns, that your spouse cares about your feelings, and that your spouse is willing to try some new behaviors that will provide you the reassurance you need.
You could also suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor if the letter writing and talking don't accomplish what you want. If your spouse is still convinced that the only thing that needs to change is for you to be more accepting of the flirting behavior, then marriage counseling could help. When suggesting counseling, you might need to focus on wanting to get advice from the counselor to help you make the changes you need to. If you focus on wanting to get your spouse to a counselor so he or she will change, your attempts will probably fall flat.
The bottom line is that spouses who love each other and are in a healthy marriage will want to listen to their partner, take their feelings into consideration, and take steps to improve communication and intimacy. Showing consistent disrespect and disregard for a partner's feelings and perceptions indicates there are serious marriage problems lurking beneath the excessive flirting behavior-and it's time to seek professional help.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
Planning a second wedding? Prevent favorite guests comparing your second... Read More
When your marriage is in trouble and you're fighting to... Read More
Couples experiencing their first Costa Rica honeymoon vacations are never... Read More
If you are actually planning your Las Vegas wedding reception,... Read More
AttendantsAttendants, include the best man, Bridesmaid, ushers, and groomsmen. Generally... Read More
So you have been invited to a wedding. Whether you... Read More
Every marriage has its ups and downs, its rough periods.... Read More
A bridal shower is an excellent way for the bride... Read More
In Las Vegas, once you get your marriage license you... Read More
Are you looking for a las Vegas chapel to make... Read More
Here are five seeds of a great marriage from grandmother.... Read More
On Friday, 1st May 1835, Mr Charles Dickens, the creator... Read More
The elegant and sophisticated look of glittering, gleaming gold. There's... Read More
The big day is not all about the bride; the... Read More
Remodels are tough on everyone. The house is out of... Read More
Does it seem like the phrases "ecology" and "wedding" could... Read More
Give disc jockey's credit. Many of them have endured so... Read More
Weddings are memorable events couples and their families want to... Read More
The 1999 Julia Roberts movie 'Runaway Bride' is about a... Read More
My husband Bill and I have just had our 37th-wedding... Read More
Poets, sailors, honeymooners and other romantics have officially declared this... Read More
While signing a prenuptial agreement can be one of the... Read More
1) Write a mission statement:Most brides spend more time planning... Read More
How do you handle arguments that lead to heated exchanges... Read More
Wedding favors have always been a nice, personal gesture to... Read More
Fashion Trends and Popular Styles and ColorsThe Wedding Dress ?... Read More
The possibilities are endless when it comes to creating (or... Read More
Numerous men have pondered the questions, "Why does my wife... Read More
Almost there! This is the third lesson of my "Invitation... Read More
Every bride would agree that her wedding dress should be... Read More
Taking the hassle out of finding your perfect and unique... Read More
Asian-themed weddings are on the rise, and at first this... Read More
Personalized wedding favors are among the most popular of gift... Read More
Wish to make that one day in your life really... Read More
The tradition of hosting a bridal shower for the bride... Read More
Games can make or break a shower. The best can... Read More
When it comes to choosing your wedding decorations, you must... Read More
The Cancun honeymoon vacation comes with its bagage of sweet... Read More
Overwhelmed is a common feeling a bride-to-be experiences as she... Read More
Would you like to have a stronger, healthier, more enjoyable... Read More
As a travel professional considering an exotic island wedding was... Read More
In our hungry-for-anything new pop culture world, celebrities are often... Read More
Tina Turner asked an important question in the title of... Read More
Brides are looking for different ways to make their wedding... Read More
Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel and Bookpleasures is pleased... Read More
When it comes to decorating your reception tables, the centerpieces... Read More
As a personal and professional development coach, I have listened... Read More
The exact origin of the wedding ring is uncertain and... Read More
Wedding catering has always been one of the most crucial... Read More
In the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have... Read More
One of the top priorities on a wedding day is... Read More
Planning and organizing a wedding budget can greatly reduce the... Read More
For a bride, shopping for bridesmaid dresses can be one... Read More
My parents gave me this advice about marriage. They have... Read More
If you are in the process of design a wedding... Read More
"Presently, 40% of all first marriages in this country end... Read More
In my opinion, these things matter...1. Valuing commitment over instant... Read More
Too many wives with cheating husbands put up with their... Read More
There's no way to absolutely guarantee that your marriage won't... Read More
Moissanite is fast becoming the new diamonds. The newest jewelry... Read More
Any marriage counselor will tell you that one of the... Read More
There are many answers to this question, it all depends... Read More
Weddings are memorable events couples and their families want to... Read More
Hawaii honeymoon vacations could take you to a miracle trip... Read More
Today Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel.com & Bookpleasures.com is pleased... Read More
1. Weddings typically can cost you anywhere around $15,000 or... Read More
Marriage & Wedding |