Irreversible

My husband had two affairs last year. I am pretty confident he is not cheating now, and we are seeing a marriage counselor. He has changed much since I found out what he was doing. He put our property in my name and bought me a $12,000 diamond ring.

He is affectionate to me most of the time. I believe this is proof that he loves me. The problem is I also have proof that he does not love me because he had affairs. So I have proof he loves me and proof he does not love me.

Our marriage counselor tells me his affair is in the past, and I agree. The problem of the past is that one second later everything is in the past. To me, saying it is in the past is just a way to excuse anything. You could do almost anything, and then later say it is in the past.

If you drive drunk and kill someone, can you say it's in the past? Just because you do not drive drunk anymore you can never bring that person back to life. It may be in the past, but it has certainly destroyed the future. That is the problem.

The therapist wants to focus on the present and future, and consider the affair in the past. If this is a way to move on, then my husband can do almost anything to me and later be forgiven. He can even plan to do something and say to himself later on it will be in the past.

Because something happened before and is not happening now is not a good reason to think it will not happen again. For me, because something happened in the past, it is more reasonable to believe it will happen again. After all, if he had not cheated, there would be no past cheating and no reason to say "put it in the past."

Kayla

Kayla, your logic is correct, and your therapist's reasoning is incorrect. As human beings we have to forecast our future in order to understand what we should do today. Your forecast for the future has changed because your husband has sex with other women.

His cheating is not in the past, because he can do it again. But there is one thing which is in the past. That one thing is fidelity in your marriage. Fidelity, the unbroken wedding vow, is in the past. It is gone and cannot be regained.

Texas Justice

Yesterday I caught my girlfriend of two years in bed with my now ex-friend. I walked in and caught them in the act. After beating the hell out of him, I told my girlfriend to go to our house and wait for me. Upon arriving home the question I kept asking is, "Why?" She says she doesn't know why.

We went and saw a counselor that very same day. I told her we could work through this, but after sleeping on it I'm not sure I want to. I guess you could sign me "Cheated on in Texas."

Roy

Roy, most people who sleep on a problem wake up just as muddled as they were the night before. But in the course of one night, you gained the insight needed to grasp the end of your relationship.

Why do you go to work? Why do you pay your bills? Why do you lock your truck in a bad neighborhood? You know why.

When someone is caught doing what they know is wrong, the classic first answer is, "I don't know why." Why are there so many "innocent" people in jail? Because once you admit guilt, you must suffer consequences. If you claim innocence, there is a chance you might escape justice.

Ultimately, why doesn't matter. What she did ends the relationship. What she did trumps why she did it.

Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 15, 2004

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Man Made Diamonds, The Affordable Alternative

Diamonds may be a woman's best friend, but modern man... Read More

Creating A Wedding Budget You Can Afford

The most important part of planning a wedding is setting... Read More

How to Make Your Wedding Vows Something You?ll Remember Forever

If you're going the increasingly popular route of personalizing your... Read More

How To Choose Your Wedding Cake

One of my favorite parts about the wedding, is the... Read More

The History of Engagement Rings and Wedding Bands

These days, many people take wedding bands and engagement rings... Read More

Five Ideas for a More Romantic Honeymoon

Candles, rose petals, satin, succulent foods, perfume-you're probably already familiar... Read More

Anniversary Gift Guide

An anniversary gift is the opportunity to show your loved... Read More

Cheap Wedding Invitations

Your wedding invitations are your announcement to family and friends... Read More

Expressions of Devotion: Buying Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings, and Wedding Bands Online

Ritual symbolism abounds in everything we do; this is particularly... Read More

Marriage Counseling: What Do Husbands Really Want in a Wife?

Because many men do not discuss feelings as easily as... Read More

Wedding Shower Invitations: An Overview

The purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate the... Read More

Bridal Budget Beware

Getting hitched, taking the plunge, tying the knot, jumping the... Read More

Invitation Anatomy 101 - Optional Components II - Part 3 of 3

Almost there! This is the third lesson of my "Invitation... Read More

Wedding Reception Perfection: Tips and Suggestions

Over the past years I have performed at many, many... Read More

Control Issues That Cause Marriage Problems

Have you ever been irritated because your spouse does things... Read More

Planning Your Wedding - How To Get Organized

You have purchased the latest bridal magazines from your local... Read More

Women and Marital Issues According to Internet

Following is a list of question that, I believe, can... Read More

Nine Ways to Save Money on Wedding Photography

Weddings are memorable events couples and their families want to... Read More

Why You Should Buy that Wedding Gift from the Gift Registry - OR, the Wedding Gifts from Hell!

When you come to choose a wedding gift it's no... Read More

Basic Tips for Planning a Wedding

Planning a wedding should be fun and exciting. However, if... Read More

Getting Great Deals on the Wedding Clothes

If you are planning to have a full wedding that... Read More

Chicago Wedding Receptions

There are two major events that you have to plan... Read More

Italian Honeymoon Vacations

Going to Italy on a honeymoon vacation could be the... Read More

The High Cost of Resentment and Anger in Marriage

Many spouses carry heavy suitcases filled with a collection of... Read More

Wedding Flowers ? What Every Bride Should Know before Her Big Day

Whether your wedding will be coming up roses, daffodils, or... Read More

Save the Date Etiquette: Everything You Need To Know

Save the Date Cards are announcements that inform your guests... Read More

How to Have a Sizzler of a Honeymoon! Article No. 7

As you reach 30 and beyond, you encounter a very... Read More

Wedding Planning: Clear Communication with Your Wedding Guests

Effective communication between you and your wedding guests is essential... Read More

Wedding Favor Creator

Wedding favors have always been a nice, personal gesture to... Read More

Florida Honeymoon Vacations

Celebrate your marriage by planning a Florida honeymoon vacation with... Read More

Slash Your Wedding Ceremony Bills

When it comes to your wedding services alone, nobody wants... Read More

How To Fight Cultural Differences In Marriage And Stay Happy

When people plan to marry, they expect to find in... Read More

Mens Moissanite Wedding Rings, or Is Moissanite a Mans Best Friend?

As mens wedding rings become more and more popular mens... Read More