My husband had two affairs last year. I am pretty confident he is not cheating now, and we are seeing a marriage counselor. He has changed much since I found out what he was doing. He put our property in my name and bought me a $12,000 diamond ring.
He is affectionate to me most of the time. I believe this is proof that he loves me. The problem is I also have proof that he does not love me because he had affairs. So I have proof he loves me and proof he does not love me.
Our marriage counselor tells me his affair is in the past, and I agree. The problem of the past is that one second later everything is in the past. To me, saying it is in the past is just a way to excuse anything. You could do almost anything, and then later say it is in the past.
If you drive drunk and kill someone, can you say it's in the past? Just because you do not drive drunk anymore you can never bring that person back to life. It may be in the past, but it has certainly destroyed the future. That is the problem.
The therapist wants to focus on the present and future, and consider the affair in the past. If this is a way to move on, then my husband can do almost anything to me and later be forgiven. He can even plan to do something and say to himself later on it will be in the past.
Because something happened before and is not happening now is not a good reason to think it will not happen again. For me, because something happened in the past, it is more reasonable to believe it will happen again. After all, if he had not cheated, there would be no past cheating and no reason to say "put it in the past."
Kayla
Kayla, your logic is correct, and your therapist's reasoning is incorrect. As human beings we have to forecast our future in order to understand what we should do today. Your forecast for the future has changed because your husband has sex with other women.
His cheating is not in the past, because he can do it again. But there is one thing which is in the past. That one thing is fidelity in your marriage. Fidelity, the unbroken wedding vow, is in the past. It is gone and cannot be regained.
Texas Justice
Yesterday I caught my girlfriend of two years in bed with my now ex-friend. I walked in and caught them in the act. After beating the hell out of him, I told my girlfriend to go to our house and wait for me. Upon arriving home the question I kept asking is, "Why?" She says she doesn't know why.
We went and saw a counselor that very same day. I told her we could work through this, but after sleeping on it I'm not sure I want to. I guess you could sign me "Cheated on in Texas."
Roy
Roy, most people who sleep on a problem wake up just as muddled as they were the night before. But in the course of one night, you gained the insight needed to grasp the end of your relationship.
Why do you go to work? Why do you pay your bills? Why do you lock your truck in a bad neighborhood? You know why.
When someone is caught doing what they know is wrong, the classic first answer is, "I don't know why." Why are there so many "innocent" people in jail? Because once you admit guilt, you must suffer consequences. If you claim innocence, there is a chance you might escape justice.
Ultimately, why doesn't matter. What she did ends the relationship. What she did trumps why she did it.
Tamara
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 15, 2004
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
With the cost of today's weddings spiraling to astronomical levels,... Read More
The big day is not all about the bride; the... Read More
A wedding is one of the most special days planned... Read More
I came across an article today: LOVE AND MARRIAGE THE... Read More
The biggest problem long-distance spouses often face is how to... Read More
One of my favorite memories from last year was not... Read More
You are locked in your seat on the most famous... Read More
If you've been to one wedding, you've seen it all.... Read More
Perhaps the single most important thing that must be accomplished... Read More
Movies, sitcoms and soapies made in the United States could... Read More
Getting the wedding tables right can make a big difference... Read More
As a travel professional considering an exotic island wedding was... Read More
Mens diamond rings are becoming more and more popular with... Read More
Your wedding rings were meant to last a lifetime. They... Read More
Imagine the cheapest wedding you'd like. You have to pay... Read More
Oregon is one of the most marvelous places in the... Read More
Your true love got down on his knees and asked... Read More
The wedding date and time has been set, the location... Read More
Is it to be a summer wedding or winter wedding?... Read More
Just as with your first marriage, your second marriage is... Read More
Want to manage your wedding guests with style and ease?... Read More
Every bride would agree that her wedding dress should be... Read More
If you are considering a beach wedding, the ideas are... Read More
Getting Married? Congratulations! You just set the date for the... Read More
You've been engaged for months, you've made it through planning... Read More
Increasing numbers of American brides are thinking about doing the... Read More
Wedding shower favors are a way to extend gratitude from... Read More
Have you ever noticed that weddings seem to be all... Read More
Choosing who should walk down the aisle with you is... Read More
Effective communication between you and your wedding guests is essential... Read More
If you've been around long enough, you're aware of the... Read More
There is a huge array of diamond wedding rings available... Read More
Hi If you are getting married or have a Bar... Read More
With the average cost of a wedding around £17,000 you... Read More
An anniversary gift is the opportunity to show your loved... Read More
You hear them at champagne-flowing parties. You hear them in... Read More
There are many choices available when shopping for fine plus... Read More
Symbols! Weddings are full of them. Exchanging rings. Exchanging roses.... Read More
Inviting your possible guests on your wedding day can be... Read More
Thanking your wedding party with special gifts is a favored... Read More
Bridal showers are one of many pre-wedding parties and are... Read More
Think your bridal gown is the most important garment you'll... Read More
Tahiti honeymoon resorts are the best places you could think... Read More
Since Maui and Hawaii in general have been blessed with... Read More
There are many places to shop for elegant mother of... Read More
Sure you want your guests to enjoy themselves at your... Read More
"Presence is more than just being there," states Malcolm S.Forbes.... Read More
I saw real love while working at a cozy, candle-lit... Read More
WHAT HAS WORKED FOR USBrief Reflections On Enjoying 36 Years... Read More
Marrying for love, financial security and/or companionship does not guarantee... Read More
There are many options available to adorn your flower girl... Read More
Your lovely fiancée has chosen her 'maids, and now you're... Read More
Now that you are planning your wedding, you've got to... Read More
Trust is the basis of all human relationships. Trust can... Read More
Las Vegas wedding receptions are where people tend to go... Read More
Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and... Read More
Your wedding is quite possibly the most important day of... Read More
In our hungry-for-anything new pop culture world, celebrities are often... Read More
Prescription for a happy marriage: one cup of tea or... Read More
To paraphrase a song, "Are you doing it more, but... Read More
My daughter and fiancé have finally set the "big day"... Read More
Cruising down the river was always deemed by couples the... Read More
My husband Bill and I have just had our 37th-wedding... Read More
Wish to make that one day in your life really... Read More
Movies, sitcoms and soapies made in the United States could... Read More
There's no way to absolutely guarantee that your marriage won't... Read More
Marriage & Wedding |