Evil, Hostile Grumpy Listeners? Think Again

I hated Kyle Sisk*. A notorious bully, Kyle punctuated my grade school years with misery. He would tease me about my weight, purposely rattle me with shocking language, delight in making me look foolish at every opportunity. Kyle had scary, penetrating eyes and sharp, jagged teeth that looked, appropriately, like fangs. He even had his own evil henchman named Eddie who would follow him everywhere, laughing a conspiratorial little laugh asking, "Heh, heh, what are we going to do next, Kyle? Heh, heh." (All Eddie was missing was a hump.) A typical encounter was the time I was walking home from school and Kyle and Eddie pounced from behind some bushes, grabbed my books and threw them in the mud. Even worse, they snatched my precious, brand new little purse and threw it into the branches of a tree, far out of reach. They then ran off cackling in triumph. I, purseless, limped home in tears.

A Sad Reprieve

This type of treatment continued all through grade school. I enjoyed the respite of summertime before we started at our new junior high school but September came and with it, my sense of dread at seeing Kyle again. I was given a reprieve, but an unwelcome one. That first week of school, my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I stayed home from school for about a week for the funeral and family visits. My first day back, the teachers wanted to take it easy on me so they gave me the coveted duty of going to each classroom and placing the absentee list on each teacher's desk. I felt special to be excused from class and was enjoying my rounds when I came to Mr. Lester's science class. I entered the room and my heart stopped. There, sitting right next to Mr. Lester's desk was Evil Incarnate himself, Kyle. There was no avoiding him--he had seen me come in--so I braced myself for whatever abuse he was no doubt preparing, but as I got closer I noticed that he didn't have his usual smug expression. He was looking down at his desk sheepishly. Very odd. As I lay the paper on the teacher's desk, Kyle looked up at me with big, soft eyes and in a timid, tentative voice said, "I'm sorry your old man croaked."

A State of Shock

I was stunned. Not from the inelegance of the sentiment, but rather from the realization that Kyle-even KYLE-had the capacity to feel and express compassion. "I'm sorry your old man croaked" wasn't exactly poetic, but to me it was the sweetest expression of kindness I had ever heard. It was in that moment that I realized that everyone, no matter how intimidating, has good in there somewhere.

A Lesson for Speaking

I think we need to remember this when we speak to our audiences. We look out and see grumpy frowns or intimidating scowls but even those listeners have hearts and the potential to connect with us. We might not be able to connect right away--maybe not ever--but just about everyone has that basic human spark of goodness through which we all connect. Besides, you've heard the old saying, "Behind every jerk is a sad story." We need to remember that the most intimidating, obnoxious audience members you will ever face most likely got to be that way because of pain. Looking back, Kyle's bullying no doubt stemmed from his miserable home life. His lashing out at me on the schoolyard is not much different than the heckler at a comedy club or a nit-picking critic at a presentation. Frustration, disappointment, powerlessness-they all lead to acting out, and as speakers we're sometimes on the receiving end. But no matter how bad the behavior, those difficult listeners in your audience still have the capacity to support you.

I think we can foster their humanness by being the first to reach out in a spirit of openness and service. When we speak to serve, with a genuine desire to do good for our listeners, we increase the likelihood that their negative energy will diminish in favor of a positive connection. There's no guarantee that they will reach back to support us, and they may even keep up their offensive behavior, but let's at least allow for the possibility that they might not be as evil as we think.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy

About The Author

Melissa Lewis turns traditional thinking about public speaking upside down to give people more comfort, confidence and charisma in front of groups. She is a former comic actress, a certified facilitator of SPEAKING CIRCLES( , president-elect of the National Speakers Association Kansas City Chapter and author of the soon-to-be-released book, Upside Down Speaking. For more information call (913) 341-1241 or visit www.upsidedownspeaking.com.

melissa@upsidedownspeaking.com

In The News:


pen paper and inkwell


cat break through


A Lasting Leadership Lesson: How One Leadership Talk By George Washington Saved The Revolution

A Lasting Leadership Lesson: How One Leadership Talk By George... Read More

What Kind of Leader Are You?

There are literally millions of words written and spoken each... Read More

Would Socrates Be A Celebrity Today?

Last week, as I was standing in the checkout line... Read More

5 Steps on How to Set and Achieve Your Goals

Which one is a goal? I will lose 15... Read More

5 Power Keys For Leadership Success!

Did you know that you can successfully handle most leadership... Read More

Get Angry And Then Get Results

Leadership is not about winning a popularity contest, it's about... Read More

A Blueprint for Leadership - How to Be a Better Leader

If you were to build a house, you would begin... Read More

The Compassion Paradox

Effective leaders are comfortable with paradox. They can call on... Read More

Introduction to the The Enneagram as a Leadership Tool

The Enneagram is a fascinating tool of nine orientations that... Read More

Two Vital Abilities Any Leader Must Have

As a business owner, you are a leader whether you... Read More

Are You A Leader in the Chrysalis?

Let's get this straight at the outset?Leadership skills can be... Read More

Managing Monsters in Meetings - Part 5, Dominant Participants

While dominant participants contribute significantly to the success of a... Read More

Leadership Is Action?Not Position!

People respond to good leadership! Period! It is in all... Read More

Take the Road Less Traveled

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took... Read More

The Leadership Strategy: An Unmined Comstock Lode of Results

During the Second World War, Winston Churchill had a framed... Read More

Extraordinary People in Mediocre Times

My grandfather used to speak of the days when people... Read More

The Qualities of Skillful Leadership

If you want to be a leader who attracts quality... Read More

Leadership for the Successful Entrepreneur!

Why talk about leadership?"Leadership is important whether you a leader... Read More

Managing Monsters in Meetings - Part 1, General Strategies for Unproductive Behavior

It happens easily. You're conducting a meeting and suddenly a... Read More

Abraham Lincoln Is Still Alive

Abraham Lincoln Is Still Alive President Jimmy Carter tells in... Read More

Father Knows Best

A good strong example of a family leader would be... Read More

Ten Ways Women Can Visualize Themselves As Leaders

Women should not be afraid of or feel guilty about... Read More

Leader is Not a Title

There is a steady flow of information in the form... Read More

Four Obstacles to Exceptional Leadership--Part 1

"Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of... Read More

Develop a We Focus And Not a Me Focus

"There's only one thing more contagious than a good attitude... Read More

The Four Laws Of Leadership (Part One)

Leadership is motivational or it's stumbling in the dark. After... Read More

In Leadership, Identifying Dreams That Lead To Great Results

History teaches that when people needed to do great things,... Read More

Wanted: A Dictionary-Perfect Leader

Answers are often before our very eyes or in front... Read More

Top Skills Of Extraordinary Leaders

1. Good Communicator. Extraordinary Leaders are those who can take... Read More

Lessons In Leadership: What Not To Do... From A Canoe!

When it comes to fishing, my husband takes the lead.... Read More

What Kind of Leader Are You?

You are a leader if someone is following you. This... Read More

In Leadership, Dreams Are The Stuff That Great Results Are Made Of

Leadership is motivational or it's stumbling in the dark. The... Read More

Awaken the Leader in You: 10 Easy Steps To Develop Your Leadership Skills

"The miracle power that elevates the few is to be... Read More