Conspiracy of Silence

Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 12, 2004

I'm hoping you can help me with a moral problem that crops up every now and then in my personal and professional life. Sometimes I find myself being blamed for an error or lack of judgment that actually occurred on someone else's part. For example, I asked someone at work about using a certain location for a display, was given the go-ahead, then chastised for using that location.

When the only way I can defend myself involves pointing the finger at someone else, I'm in a real quandary. I am rarely prepared to defend myself if it means making someone else look bad. I handle the problem by saying nothing. I simply don't know what to say.

There is usually ample opportunity for the person responsible to come forward, but I find that hardly ever happens. How can I handle this type of problem without taking the low road of attacking others? What is the moral or ethical thing to do?

Karla

Karla, each of us has principles of behavior rattling around in our head. These principles range from the Golden Rule to Miss Manners' etiquette to the Boy Scout Creed. Often we are not sure which principle to apply.

The principle you are applying here is the playground and schoolyard rule which says one shouldn't snitch to a parent or teacher. It is not an ethical rule so much as a rule children employ in play. A much more basic rule applies. That is the rule which says, in simple justice, each of us deserves to be known for the person we are.

Your lack of explanations makes you look guilty. Coming forward and explaining why you acted as you did should not be a moral or ethical problem for you. It is simply a matter of fact. If you acted because Sheila told you to do it that way, or the employee handbook says to do it that way, or you have always done it that way and no one told you otherwise, you are simply reporting a fact.

You should look at this as an impersonal matter, much as if you are reporting the time or the weather. When you report facts in these situations, there are three rules to remember. The three rules are: don't apologize, don't apologize, and don't apologize. An apology is due when you have done something wrong; no apology is called for when stating the reality of a situation.

Karla, you don't have an ethical problem here, but the people who know the truth and remain silent do.

Wayne

Missing Holiday Spirit

This Christmas I went to a lot of trouble to find special gifts for my grandchildren. I have some health challenges, and it was a stretch physically to shop for these gifts. Since I was in their neighborhood the week before Christmas, I left my presents under the tree ahead of time.

They expected me Christmas morning, and I called ahead to say I was on my way. When I arrived carrying two grocery bags with food, my grandson met me at the door saying he really liked the books. I couldn't believe my ears. They had opened my gifts without me!

I told my daughter I was disappointed, and she said she was "sorry" I hadn't left "instructions." Her husband told me they have a rule in their house: no whining. What should I do? Skip Christmas for them? Forgive and forget? Move?

Clara

Clara, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it still make a sound? If a child receives a gift and you are not there, is he still filled with joy?

Don't skip Christmas with your family. Next year take the gifts with you on Christmas morning, and be grateful for a son-in-law with such a wise rule for his household.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

A Bad Move

Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 7,... Read More

Those Who Sleep Get Sliced

Chang lived in Flushing, Queens. Every afternoon he rode the... Read More

Numbers

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 19,... Read More

False Prophets

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 12,... Read More

The Women At The Cross (Reflections On The Death And Resurrection Of Jesus)

The women at the cross. Have you ever thought about... Read More

The Most Famous Line I Never Wrote

There is one line that can dramatically impact your life... Read More

A Life Touched

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 17,... Read More

Tighten Your Connection

It was my first and last experience with a pneumatic... Read More

The Seasons Of Life, Part 5 of 5

This week is Part Five of our five part series... Read More

Adversity to Victory

The following is a true story about a young friend... Read More

Essential Oils and Aromatherapy: Raise Your Frequency with These Divine Gifts

The volatile essences of aromatic plants contain potent, complex, natural... Read More

Letting Go and Letting Be

In Corrogue it is frosty.The earth is hard and unyielding.... Read More

How to Scare Fear Out of Your Life

A reader asks: "Many times in my life I have... Read More

Make Life Work: Repair the Relationship with Yourself

What areas of your life are working well? Career? Finances?Relationships?... Read More

The Amazing Destructive Power of Tradition

After more than thirty years of studying the Bible I... Read More

Turning Your Life Over To God and Trusting Him To Lead You Is Like . . . . .

. . . . . riding a roller coaster for... Read More

Whose Decision

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 5,... Read More

Your Turn On The Holodeck

Good morning Roy, good morning Joseth.Roy? You have in your... Read More

Mirror, Mirror -- What Do I See?

"A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile... Read More

Save the Planet with Your Joy!

Your own level of frequency raises or lowers the overall... Read More

World Kindness Day

Once upon a time, in ancient India, a beggar favored... Read More

Go Where No Man Or Woman Has Gone Before

"It`s life Jim but not as we know it." -SpockIn... Read More

The Finer, and Finest, Things in Life

In America, we have a saying: The finer things in... Read More

Accelerate Your Abilities

In today's fast-paced life, the wins usually go to those... Read More

Inspirations: Even More Things Ive Noticed Along the Way So Far

Some people live in and talk about the past so... Read More

How To Weather Lifes Inevitable Storms

In the Northeast, we have a few months to prepare... Read More

Say Thank You to the Cow for the Steak on Your Plate

Have you ever said thank-you to the cow that provided... Read More

Big-Wave Mindfulness: Surfing For A Connection

Surfing is mindfulness in action. Riding the biggest waves is... Read More

What Company Does Your Business Keep?

A man is known by the company he keeps. We... Read More

How Four Words Can Enhance Your Life Of Prayer (Pray More In My Hectic Day? You Cant Be Serious)

"I would like to pray more. But ... how to... Read More

Summertime - Take Time To Smell The Roses

I AM SO GRATEFUL for the time to smell the... Read More

Arranging Stepping-Stones

The greatest achievements were obtained by those who took one... Read More

Believe In Yourself

Diana is a wonderful person with a great personality and... Read More