Q. My teenage son is turning 16 early next year and he's already lobbying us for a new car. He says all his friends are getting new cars, that he deserves one because it's his right when he turns 16, and he won't drive what he calls a POS car. Do you think he is trying to manipulate us, and what do you think we should do? And since he won't tell us what a POS car is, do you know?
A. What to do depends on what you want to accomplish.
If you want to teach your son that he can pester and manipulate you into giving him his way, then by all means get him a new car.
I know that's not what you want to teach him though.
What you have is an excellent opportunity to teach some important life lessons.
But first, let's get that POS question out of the way. POS stands for "piece of s---" and is just another one of your son's tools in his manipulation bag.
Rwo Important Life Privileges
There are at least two important principles to teach in this situation.
The first is the vast difference between rights and privileges.
Your son believes that getting a new car is his right as a 16-year-old. It's not. In fact, turning 16 does not even entitle you to a driver's license. It does make you eligible for the privilege of getting a driver's license.
Fostering the belief that privileges are in fact rights leads to a raging sense of entitlement.
Fostering a belief in privileges leads to a rare sense of ownership, appreciation and perhaps even stewardship, which is taking good care of what you have.
The second principle is the sometimes hazy difference between wants and needs.
A need is a "must have" for survival, or to accomplish something important. A want is something you would like to have but can live without.
Your son might need a car to get safely from place A to place B and you may also want to stop chauffeuring him. He may want a new car, but he does not need one. Even if you can afford to give him a new car, I think that would do him more harm than good.
Sit down with your son and tell him that you have discovered what a POS car is and assure him you have no intention of getting him one.
Similarly, you have no intention of getting him a new car either. Briefly - and I mean short and sweet briefly - explain the difference between rights and privileges and wants and needs.
Then tell him that you will be glad to help him find a Point A-to-Point B car.
If he wants anything better, tell him that for each dollar that he saves over the price of a basic Point A-to-Point B car, you will match it.
He will not walk away from this conversation jumping for joy.
He will walk away with the beginning of some very important life lessons, which is really the best 16th birthday present you could get him.
Leading parenting expert Jeff Herring is a teen and family therapist, parenting coach, speaker and syndicated parenting and relationship columnist. Jeff invites you to visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for 100's of tips and tools for parenting through the teenage years. You can also subscribe to his free weekly internet newsletter "ParentingYourTeenager."
As a parent there are lots of things that you... Read More
Unfortunately each year many young children drown in swimming pools,... Read More
Meningitis is an inflammation of the membranes around the brain... Read More
What exactly makes safety glasses different from regular glasses? There... Read More
It was blisteringly hot last Saturday. As I took that... Read More
Keith is now in the fourth grade and he dislikes... Read More
One of the implications of the current trend toward smaller... Read More
Vacations and trips are great family events, but how do... Read More
The citizens of the early Roman Republic enjoyed an education... Read More
Choosing a baby name is an important job, so make... Read More
There is no doubt that the benefits of being a... Read More
First there were Yuppies (Young Urban Professionals). Then came the... Read More
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the phrase that is... Read More
If your child or teen has been diagnosed with Attention... Read More
It has been a long day. Home from work, you... Read More
Drivers 16 years of age have little driving experience, putting... Read More
Below is a copy of our eating program for Attention... Read More
I will never forget the day that my daughter's sixth... Read More
Learning responsibility is an ever widening and lifelong process.As thinking,... Read More
You have two kids who are 14 months apart. How... Read More
Frankly, as a single parent of young children, I struggled.... Read More
Well first off, please to don't institute the ½ hour... Read More
Anyone can splurge on a formal dinner or a pricey... Read More
When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it's... Read More
Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and... Read More
1. Diapers (5 -7 is a fairly safe supply)2. Wipes3.... Read More
Thank you to all of our professional educators who dedicate... Read More
Family meetings provide opportunities for feelings to be aired and... Read More
"I WON'T DO IT!" "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"Whether parent or... Read More
Once your little boy/girl goes off to school, you may... Read More
If you're a single parent or a married couple on... Read More
Maintain CommunicationEven though teens need to separate from their parents... Read More
How on earth can you help your family cope with... Read More
Teri was 5. As younger siblings do, she looked up... Read More
For any parent, learning that a convicted sex offender lives... Read More
Lets face it becoming a mum is a bit of... Read More
The following spelling games can be used by parents to... Read More
Former students would probably attest to the fact that few... Read More
What parents of a teen haven't wondered where their sweet... Read More
Child tantrums are a way for children to express their... Read More
The hot new reality TV show "Nanny 911" has been... Read More
Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children in the United... Read More
Best friends! It may seem impossible to believe, but today's... Read More
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael... Read More
Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like... Read More
Start some gardening traditions with your kids. Give them their... Read More
Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More
Emotional OverloadMany single parents say they deal with a variety... Read More
My wife and I have been working on a video... Read More
Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose... Read More
Uh oh.Your kids arrive home with their school reports and... Read More
How often do you think of family life as an... Read More
It happens every year. Just when you are settled in... Read More
"The best blush to use is laughter: It put roses... Read More
Hope, excitement and anxiety all wrapped up in fresh haircuts... Read More
Does your child pout, blame and brood? Does he gripe,... Read More
Most people have more training before they receive their driver's... Read More
Many children enjoy TV, and they can learn from it.... Read More
From criticizing a spouse, to claming up about one's own... Read More
Although it's hard to say when the first stuffed dogs... Read More
"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine,... Read More
There are a LOT of alternative treatments for sale out... Read More
"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More
The most common medications used in the treatment of Attention... Read More
For many years underparenting was perhaps the biggest problem facing... Read More
In today's fast-paced society, many families depend on some form... Read More
Parenting |