Misplaced Allegiance

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 23, 2003

I am male, 30, married for seven years. I have two small children. The past several years of married life have been trying. My wife and I fight a lot, always about money, work, or sex.

We used to be very passionate, in a shy sort of way, but that has all but vanished. My wife attributes it to my work ethic. If I was home more, she says, she would be more romantic. I am not sure I agree. It seems the more I am around the more bored I become with her. I still love her, but there is a giant void.

Now the bigger problem. I hired a recent college grad at work, a smart beautiful 23-year-old woman. She sparked something in me that has been missing. There was an obvious physical attraction on my part from the first day. I work long hours, and she worked alongside me.

We spent many evenings talking to each other and just hanging out. She knows I am married and unhappy. I found myself thinking of this girl constantly on the weekends, and at night while being intimate with my wife. Unfortunately, she recently turned in her resignation. Over lunch she explained she is leaving for legitimate career reasons.

She was very emotional about her career change. I was devastated. We went out with co-workers the next night to drink, have fun, and say farewell. We spent most of the night in each other's arms, dancing closely and whispering into each other's ear. When we left, we started with a hug, moved to a peck on the lips, and ended in a deep passionate kiss.

This girl left on a trip for three weeks overseas, but when she gets back we need to talk things out. I have been thinking of separation or even divorce for over a year, but my biggest fear is my kids. I don't want them to be without a father, nor do I want to be unhappy anymore. I am so torn I don't know what to do.

Oscar

Oscar, one of the most common letters we receive starts with a litany of problems in the marriage and ends with a new person coming into the writer's life. In these letters there are two questions, independent of each other, but the letter writer invariably sees it as a single question.

The first question is, Should I leave my wife because I don't love her and don't want to continue the marriage? The second question is, Will my relationship with my new love work out?

If your marriage is bad enough to end, it should be bad enough to end without another person coming into your life. A year ago talks with your wife might have led to separation and both of you feeling your way back into the world while adjusting to the fact of divorce.

Now your wife will feel there weren't issues between the two of you. It was another woman. Your wife will feel you have your next fish on the line, and she doesn't even have a line in the water. Your wife will be hurt, angry, and contentious.

You, on the other hand, will know your new love is a woman who can become involved with a married man. How much cleaner and more honest it would have been to have separated from your wife a year ago. For you, your wife, and this new woman, everything would have been less complicated.

We hear your concern for your children and the other woman, but not for your wife. Don't firm up the new relationship before talking with your wife. Talking with your wife, not the other woman, is the most important thing now.

The first question to resolve is whether you and your wife love each other and want to remain married.

Wayne and Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Courage That Changes Your Life

"The scars you acquire while exercising courage will never make... Read More

The Day I First Believed

I was eight years old, over four decades ago and... Read More

H-U-G-S -------The More You Give----The More You Get!

How many of us couldn't use a hug on a... Read More

Why Are We So Lost? The Journey Home

Did you ever wonder how you ended up where you... Read More

The Minds Fancy Dress Party -Or- A Brainstorming Session

In Berlin a restaurant opens for anorexics and in Buffalo... Read More

Just a Typical Teenage Boy

Judge not, lest ye be judged. ?Matthew 7:1The call was... Read More

Life Inspiration: 12 Tips for Successful Living

1. Constant affirmation without accountability is a sure-fire way to... Read More

The Road Not Taken

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 24,... Read More

Supercharge Your Dreams!

We all accept the fact that the lighter the backpack,... Read More

Giving Life Meaning

Have you thought about what you want people to say... Read More

Abundance Is A Life Style

Abundance is a life style, a way of living your... Read More

Material Girl

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 16,... Read More

Create Resistance or Creative Acceptance

Resistance is not a new word, but for many of... Read More

Victory is an Accomplishment

Did you ever watch a bird in flight? Especially ducks... Read More

Do You Pay For Services Out of Obligation or Appreciation?

Have you ever paid for services rendered with a strong... Read More

Love the Opportunity

Somebody said you have to love what you do, but... Read More

Its Better to Give than to Receive

"It's better to give than to receive." You've probably heard... Read More

The Procrastinating Perfectionist

Are you a procrastinating perfectionist? I once read an article... Read More

Make Life Work: Repair the Relationship with Yourself

What areas of your life are working well? Career? Finances?Relationships?... Read More

The Most Famous Line I Never Wrote

There is one line that can dramatically impact your life... Read More

Learn to Deal in Challenges

(Excerpted from the 2004 Jim Rohn Weekend Leadership Event)To really... Read More

Crossing The Line Of Fear

Oh, this is a great topic! I remember when I... Read More

How To Walk On The Path Of Peace (Part 2)

If you are praying daily for wisdom, for peace, a... Read More

Its About That Time

As we've reached the half way point of the year... Read More

Maternal Instincts

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 14,... Read More

Flaming Fire Within Our Bones

Jeremiah was certainly one of the most distinguished notables of... Read More

What Is Your Real Worth?

Consider this. If it is possible to quote you as... Read More

A New Strategy

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 3,... Read More

Food for Thought

We all love picnics. They represent a fun time as... Read More

Leaving The Child Behind. Recovery From Child Abuse

I looked at my father for the last time before... Read More

Lewis And Clark Pay Attention

As I write this Southern California has just ended its... Read More

Tranquility

It's all in the mind- your mind.It's not brought about... Read More

To Raise Your Frequency, Just Turn on the Joy!

The feeling response to being filled up with Love from... Read More