Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 10, 2002
I told my daughter I didn't think my daughter-in-law paid enough attention to her oldest son, 8. He has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is on Ritalin, and lately has been kicking and hitting little kids.
My daughter and I had a falling out, and she told my daughter-in-law what I said. My daughter-in-law was furious. I tried to explain that I did not call her a bad mother. Well, you can imagine what happened. We haven't spoken in a week. Do I let time take care of this, or do I send her the letter I wrote trying to explain myself?
I am very family oriented and, most of the time, pretty direct. Probably to a fault. My daughter and I are not speaking either, so at this point I am estranged from both girls, and my four grandsons. By the way, I am 57 and divorced.
Selma
Selma, you shouldn't be surprised by your daughter's actions. As she grew up, how many times did she watch you make statements about others when they were not around? This time the person not present happened to be you. You fashioned your own punishment.
The statement you made about your daughter-in-law accomplished nothing. It was nothing but criticism. It wasn't said to aid or assist. She is dealing with a difficult problem which medication helps but doesn't cure, and you offered no solution.
Now you are estranged from your daughter, daughter-in-law, their husbands, and your grandchildren. Is this what you want? Doesn't it indicate a need to look within yourself for a solution? Someday you may finally say something that an apology won't fix.
It is never too late to admit we have more to learn. If family is what you value, then redefine your role within the family. Your role is not to speak whatever thought crosses your mind. Your role is to love, care, and help. If what you are thinking doesn't do one of those three things, don't say it or do it.
It will be easier to get past this if the other family members believe you are going to make a true change. But if you apologize and don't change, that will make your apology worthless. The others will say, "She wasn't really sorry. She's at it again."
Revise the letter to your daughter-in-law, then send it. Strive to be the person admired by your family as the one they can trust to help them when possible, the one who maintains a confidence when she can't help, and the one who loves them always.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth said, "If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here beside me." It's a clever line, and criticism makes us feel superior to others, but there is always a price to be paid.
Wayne & Tamara
Backlash
I'm 17 and have been going out with my girlfriend for five months. She has a lot of male friends, about eight close ones, and she is very outgoing. I completely trust her, but I get really mad when I see her talking to other guys.
My jealousy is tearing our relationship apart, and we're going to break up for a couple of days so she can think about things. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I need help fast.
Steve
Steve, jealousy is about ownership and control, snooping and suspicion. It has nothing to do with love. You cannot get love by grasping too tightly. The only way you can get it is by giving another the opportunity and freedom to show they love you.
Jealousy puts a damper on a relationship from both directions. One grasps, the other wants to flee. Grasping accuses another of doing something wrong, and they will seek to escape. When someone loves you, a tight grasp is not required.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
When you were a child, or maybe even when you... Read More
I'll share with you one of my deepest insights about... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 28,... Read More
I have always been fascinated by the concept of "wishing.",... Read More
Do you have the charactertics to be star in their... Read More
What is social acceptance? Why is it so important? What... Read More
(Excerpted from the 2004 Jim Rohn Weekend Leadership Event)To really... Read More
"Welcome to Canada," Ken shouted to me over the roar... Read More
Let's look at the lesson we should all pay attention... Read More
Confident Expectation! The feeling of 'confidence' is the assurance that... Read More
Discovering the Art of Bending Your Mindset and Manifesting your... Read More
1 Samuel 16:7"...The Lord does not look at the things... Read More
Even immediately after my car accident, every single person who... Read More
(excerpted from Leading an Inspired Life)Pity the man who has... Read More
I. ExpositionIn the movie "Shattered" (1991), Dan Merrick survives an... Read More
You Can Overcome panic attacks and anxiety! That is great... Read More
As I sat down to write this article, I was... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 11,... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 4,... Read More
Writing a book or creating a killer headline requires a... Read More
What would your life be like if you lived each... Read More
Many successful persons advise you start your day with a... Read More
There is an old principle: You reap what you sow.... Read More
About fifteen years ago I was rummaging through some old... Read More
How strong are you? I'm not asking if you... Read More
"Without health, life is not life; it is only a... Read More
"If unresolved anger is a toxin to the spirit, forgiveness... Read More
Many people think that their life is a disaster that... Read More
When disorder comes into our lives, we obviously aren't paying... Read More
If you are praying daily for wisdom, for peace, a... Read More
In Corrogue I am amazedI rise by the light of... Read More
Many of us are unable to move forward with our... Read More
I grew up in the south in the 1960's. Married... Read More
The blaring sound leapt under Jerry's skin and strangled him... Read More
I'm writing to you with a completely shattered heart. I've... Read More
If we want to fill our heads with the doom... Read More
"Desire is a tremendous force, and must be directed in... Read More
As I write this Southern California has just ended its... Read More
The direction of our lives is determined by the choices... Read More
Why does this happen?It's all to do with the way... Read More
Besides your daily feelings, thoughts, and experiences journal, there are... Read More
As soon as you have launched a strong desire, the... Read More
Do you have the charactertics to be star in their... Read More
Did you ever watch a bird in flight? Especially ducks... Read More
Practising extreme self-care in our life involves practising good "daily"... Read More
I'm currently listening to The Secrets of the Power of... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 27,... Read More
Changing our physiology is one of the best ways to... Read More
It's funny how an acquaintance from the past just pops... Read More
BORN OF BODY AND SPIRITWe are born of the body... Read More
Pregnant with her first child, Jill could barely contain her... Read More
Let's look at the lesson we should all pay attention... Read More
In old buildings there was a boiler room where men... Read More
Yesterday, I listened to an interview with Michael York, the... Read More
Rejection! Who hasn't experienced the horrible feeling of being rejected?... Read More
Can we love our bodies? As the years go by,... Read More
It is hard to capture the synchronicity of this next... Read More
Okay, I am sure that you clicked on this title... Read More
There is one line that can dramatically impact your life... Read More
Did you ever wonder how you ended up where you... Read More
I wish that I could tell every person that I... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 11,... Read More
I will persist until I succeed. Always will I take... Read More
As we've reached the half way point of the year... Read More
When people talk about enrichment, they are usually thinking of... Read More
I'm often asked the question, "How can I best help... Read More
Inspirational |