Dads, Life, and Death

When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he was, either.

My father had just endured two heart surgeries and 6 days in intensive care. He'd returned to the hospital where he'd worked for 40 years. It was the hospital where all his children had been born. And as he sat in his bed gazing at me, I knew he might never be the same. The doctors said that he may have a long period of confusion after the surgeries. And because he's eighty-six, it may be many months before he returns to normal. It's also possible he may never be "normal" again.

The roller coaster of feelings we've had the past week have settled a bit. Now, we simply wait. We wait to see if the memory comes back and the confusion fades. We hope that he regains what he once had, as we realize who he was may be "gone."

It's a realization that feels a lot like death.

To spend two days wondering if your father will live or die brings you many things. It allows you to appreciate every moment of life. It fills you with memories, and it fills you with pain. It reminds you of something that can easily be forgotten as you run around in your busy life: life is incredibly fragile, and can be taken away in an instant.

I sat there in this hospital room, spoon-feeding the man I've seen as powerful and capable my entire life. It felt like the full circle of life had come around us. It was both satisfying and frightening. It felt good to support him, yet part of me wanted to tell him to "be normal" again. I wasn't sure if I was ready to accept the full meaning of it: that my father may never be that powerful and capable person again.

My mother has been married to my father for sixty years. During the darkest time before the second surgery, she said, "You have sixty years with someone, but you just want more."

Pain and suffering have visited my family, as it will visit all families. And while we hesitate to face pain and suffering, it has great lessons to teach us. Pain and suffering are well outside of the boundaries of our everyday life. When it comes, it shatters these boundaries and turns our world upside down. We become a family with all of the others who have known pain and suffering. And we have another chance to prioritize what's truly important in our lives.

This crisis will pass, and we'll all be changed by it. The healing hands of time will do their work. I'm thankful that I've told my father everything I've wanted to say to him. And I'm thankful to have my family to lean on during this difficult time. We'll all be challenged by this to show more support, care, and love.

This is as it should be. Sometimes, it takes a crisis to remind us of why we're all here.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by phone to balance their life and improve their family relationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com. or email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.

---

When Sorrow Is Too Great to Be Borne Alone, Support Groups Reach Out

Not long after Arlyn died, my husband and I decided... Read More

Who has the Worst Pain

During the 28 years I have been interacting with bereaved... Read More

How My Four Your Old Son Reacted To The Death Of His Great Nanny Biscuits

My nan was called Margaret and lived until the age... Read More

Lessons We Learned From Terri Schiavo

Let's talk about Terry Schiavo, since her death illustrated for... Read More

Grief Support: The Dos

Helpers often ask questions such as: "What should I do?... Read More

Suicide in the Church, Part 3

Suicide strikes...AGAIN!This may wind up being the most important article... Read More

Grief

I didn't know a heart could die before it stopped... Read More

Dying On the Inside: A Childs Grief

The impatient tooting of a car horn startled us into... Read More

How to Turn Grief into Joy

I was with my daddy when he died. Excuse me,... Read More

Guilty, Your Honor: The Burden of Guilt After a Suicide

Guilty, Your Honor, I whisper.Have you ever done anything so... Read More

Then and Now

Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death... Read More

Online Monument ? An Ever-lasting Tribute to Your Departed Loved Ones

Memories are never to be buried along with the loss... Read More

Loss Involves Change - The Transformative Power of Loss and Change

There are many experiences in life, which remind us that... Read More

On Empathy

The Encyclopaedia Britannica (1999 edition) defines empathy as:"The ability to... Read More

Signs After Suicide: The Red Butterfly

Shortly after noon, I went into Arlyn's bedroom to get... Read More

New Tears [about Grievng--with commentary]

New Tears [about Grieving]If it rains or shinesLittle does it... Read More

How To Write A Eulogy

Remembering someone special in a personal way can be healing... Read More

How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business

As a small business owner we have to deal with... Read More

The Creative Side of Healing

One of the areas where I seem to be placing... Read More

In the Blink of an Eye

Today's Quote: "My house is burned down, but I can... Read More

Dealing With Tragedies (The 9/11 Tragedy)

September 11, 2001, marked yet another significant turning point in... Read More

Coping With A Funeral

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or... Read More

Suicide - An Eternal Pain

Suicide is the one form of death that has quite... Read More

You Can Help A Grieving Heart

Oh, we can talk about the best cold medications and... Read More

Understanding Grief and Loss in Times of War and Disaster

There are many different kinds of losses we can experience... Read More

Liberation

It is one thing to be free; it is quite... Read More

Afraid Of Dying? Afraid Of Living!

Over the years, I've heard many people voice their concerns... Read More

The Twists and Turns of Life

When I was born in 1962 I thought life was... Read More

Online Memorial ? A Dedication of Love for Your Departed Loved Ones

Life has always been a journey, a journey of finding... Read More

The Grief And Belief Connection

"Grief is healing: To take away our grief is to... Read More

Pet Loss: Significant and Profound Loss or Much Ado about Nothing?

For those who have deeply loved and lost their animal... Read More

Pope John Paul II

WHAT I LEARNED FROM POPE JOHN PAUL II ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I am... Read More

Miracles?

If we were to organize a list of the thorniest... Read More