If You Compare, Beware!

Picture this scene: Little Johnny's mother places a large piece of chocolate cake on his plate. He's pretty happy with it -- until he glances over at his brother's portion and notices that it's even bigger than his own. Suddenly Johnny is no longer satisfied with what he got. He starts to pout and complain, and may even resort to throwing his cake on the floor.

Sound familiar? If you didn't have this experience growing up, you have surely observed it in others. And it's not only kids who engage in this sort of comparison. Adults do it too.

Suppose you get a 10% raise at work. "That's pretty good," you might say to yourself. But a few days later you find out that someone else got 12%. Now you're not so pleased. Your inner brat starts grumbling about your raise not being fair, or not being nearly enough.

The actual dollar amount of your raise hasn't changed, but your attitude toward it has. Why?

It's a result of what psychologists call "social comparison." Humans are social animals, so it's natural to view ourselves in relation to other people. It's not necessarily bad, either:

- Much of our helping behavior and charitable giving come from comparing our own circumstances with those who are less fortunate.

- Social comparison is useful in situations where we're not quite sure how to act. Let's say you're attending services at a house of worship whose rituals and procedures are unfamiliar to you. You'll probably look around and see what everyone else is doing so that you can follow along.

- Social comparison contributes to order in society. When people dress, behave and speak in similar ways they feel a sense of belonging and loyalty within the group.

BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE TO SOCIAL COMPARISON. Routinely comparing yourself to others -- especially when it comes to money, talent, recognition and material possessions -- will invariably lead to dissatisfaction, even if you come out on top.

Research has shown that people who make a habit of such comparisons are generally less happy than are those who base their success on their own internal standards.

Here's why:

When you compare yourself to people who have more than you, your inner brat gets into gear. Just like little Johnny and the chocolate cake described above, your inner brat dwells on what's missing, which makes you feel victimized. You'll never be satisfied, no matter how much you have, as long as someone else has more.

This is the same mentality that fuels the huge salary demands by top athletes, actors and CEOs: "I'm making $20 million, but that's not enough because the other guy's getting $30 million."

If comparing yourself to people who have more than you makes you feel worse, should you instead concentrate on comparing yourself to those who have less or accomplished less? Actually, no. While it might be comforting for the moment, it could backfire in the long run.

You could end up feeling even less secure, worrying that you'll lose what you have. Or you might feel guilty for having more than others, such that you subconsciously sabotage your future success.

It's best not to compare yourself to anyone. Other people's achievements don't diminish your own, and their misfortunes do not improve your lot.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't compete, nor that you shouldn't strive to improve. However, do it for the right reasons -- not because your inner brat is whining, but rather to develop and grow. That way, you'll enjoy your accomplishments so much more.

---

Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004) She is also a life coach.

Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.

---

Succeed By Looking Forward

We all want something to look forward to. The best... Read More

One Step at a Time the Bowling Ball up the Ladder of Success!

I have often been asked the question, "What is true... Read More

3 Steps to Defining Success and Defining Your Future

Q: Are you a success?A: Its all in how you... Read More

Build Rapport Through Buzzwords

What if I told you that you could be more... Read More

Practical Nine-Step Guide to Max Productivity

Step 1: List all the business activities that you complete... Read More

Are You Afraid of Success?

You may not realise it yet but you may have... Read More

Defining Success

I'll be the first to admit that everyone has his... Read More

It Takes Competence to Change!

This article is about a subject that few people think... Read More

Top 10 Secrets to Success

Much has been researched, written and taught about success. One... Read More

Your Focus is the KEY to YOUR Success

Why do you need to know your focus when joining... Read More

Life Lesson--Be, Do, Have

This revelation hit me the other day while I was... Read More

Simple Money Spells

Magic doesn't have to be complicated. Here are some very... Read More

The Role of Failure in Success

Does the thought of failure send a cold shiver down... Read More

The True BMI of Success - What is the True Definition of Success?

The TRUE BMI of SUCCESS (B)e a (M)illionaire (I)ndexWhy am... Read More

Facts About the Art of Influence

All of us could work on our skills in influencing... Read More

Introducing 4 Indispensable Strategies For Success

I would like to use this medium to introduce my... Read More

Paying Attention

Being a spiritual teacher has continually frightened me. Not because... Read More

Thinkers are Achievers

It has been truly said, and history confirms, that the... Read More

The Importance of Listening Skills for Self Improvement and Success

Effective listening is almost certainly the most important communication skill,... Read More

Stop Juggling, and Start Achieving! Three Steps to the Top!

Want more success in your business or professional life? Here's... Read More

How to be Congruent and Experience Balance Every Day.

"If you can tell the world who you are and... Read More

Do You Want to Just Survive or Thrive? (Part 2)

"Fighting to pay the bills is hardly worth it? fight... Read More

Who Else Wants to Keep Failing?

Who wants to carry on being a failure?Failure. Not a... Read More

Success Formula Revealed - How You Can Apply The Ultimate Success Formula?

When you analyze the traits of successful people, you will... Read More

Who Makes You Better?

Commit yourself to spending time only with people who are... Read More

Five Ways To Take A Vacation Without Taking A Vacation

Last month Along The Purpose Path was about how to... Read More

Achieving Success with Authentic Joy: 12 Reflections

Success begins with a personal dream that is bigger than... Read More

Create Your Own Security As You Create Life Changes

Self-change is a personal phenomenon. In order to accomplish it,... Read More

Amazing Mind Control Secret... Your Key to Ultimate Success

Understand and apply this one secret to your own life,... Read More

Swotting for Success

Not so long ago, I impressed the daylights out of... Read More

Want Better Outcomes? Check Your Perspectives!

In my work with clients, the issue of perspectives comes... Read More

Three Proven Ways To Leverage the Big Power of Small Changes

Successful people set ambitious goals. But the high standards and... Read More

How To Reverse Engineer Your Success

The best and fastest way to learn how to make... Read More