Motivation: 3 Keys to Lasting Change

David Bowie once sang, "Ch-ch-changes, tryin' to face the strain."

There are times in life when trying to change can be a strain. If you are like most folks, you have tried to change something in your life. And, like most folks, may have found yourself frustrated when you were unable to change. Perhaps it was a habit, an attitude, or some part of an important relationship. Whatever the issue, try as you might, you were not able to get the changes you wanted.

Welcome to the club, it's a big one.

Here's the really good news - you can get the changes you want! And it doesn't have to take years and years and cost hundreds or thousands of dollars, two of the more common myths about the process of change.

Here's a question - have you ever tried to open a ketchup bottle with a lizard? Of course not. The reason behind that rather odd question is to illustrate how frustrating and silly it is to try to do a job without the proper tools. My job in this column, and as a counselor, is simply to give you some of the tools that I have found useful in helping people get the changes they want in their lives.

Today we will look at three key tools for getting the changes you want, whether it's at work or home.

Focus on what you want, not what you don't want

What do the following statements have in common; "I want to stop smoking", "I want to stop yelling at my kids", "I've gotta stop working so hard", "I need to stop neglecting my marriage." One thing they have in common is they are all statements from clients, in the first session, when I ask them what they would like to be different about their lives. Another thing these statements have in common is that they all focus on what they don't want.

Why is that important? Well, think about it for a moment. When you first learned how to throw a ball, were you taught where to throw it to or where to not throw it? Another silly question, really. Of course you were taught to focus on where you wanted the ball to go.

In the same way, to achieve the changes you want, focus on what you want, not what you don't want. It's really not that difficult. In the examples above, all we need is a change in wording, which brings a change in focus.

Here's a sample of what I mean -

"I want to stop smoking" becomes "I want to be smoke free."

"I want to stop yelling at my kids" becomes "I want to manage my kids (and myself) better."

"I've gotta stop working so hard" becomes "I want to work smarter, not harder, and enjoy life more."

"I need to stop neglecting my marriage" becomes "I need to make my marriage a priority."

And so on.

Focus on one change at a time

Trying to change too many things at once dooms you to frustration at best, and failure at worst. You can end up like the side show at the circus. You know the one, where the guy is spinning several plates on a stick, and has to run around to keep them all spinning at once. Eventually, you wear out, quit, and all the plates come tumbling down.

When working on changes, especially at first, focus on one area of change at a time. As you get your "psychological feet" under you in one area, move on the next, and then the next, etc.

In this way, if you worked on one change a week for a year, that's 50 things you could change in a year, with two weeks off for vacation.

Aim for progress, not perfection.

Let's say you want to quit smok- oops, I mean become smoke free, for instance. You make it for six days, and then smoke one cigarette. It's important to remember that six days smoke free is progress. Go for six more and then build from there.

What you don't want to do is focus on the slip-up, and then give up in frustration. So many times we expect perfection from ourselves when we want to change. That's a sure set-up for failure.

Focus on the progress, even if it's one step up and two steps back. Keep going, and eventually you can get to 100 steps up and an occasional step back.

Focus on what you want, one change at a time, aim for progress. That's a three part prescription for successful change.

Thanks for reading, and keep the change.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

Succeed Like the Super-Successful

Two undeniable traits of the super-successful are: their belief in... Read More

Do you Live the Life you Desire?

There comes a time in every person's life when you... Read More

The Benefits of Keeping A Journal

Keeping a journal has many advantages and benefits. Whether you... Read More

Bold Action: Living in the Moment

Reality show audition...I did it!What an experience, a day and... Read More

Ending Procrastination

Perseverance is about as important to achievement as gasoline is... Read More

Motivation By Facing Facts

"Things is either done, or they ain't done." Marlon SandersSome... Read More

If You Are Rejected!

This article exemplifies the inner working of emotional intelligence. Effectively... Read More

Courage

"Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up... Read More

When Do You Enjoy Things the Most?

It's a very strange concept. When you are in a... Read More

Whatever Happened to You?

Whatever happened to all the dreams? The wants, the desires,... Read More

Are You a Self-Saboteur?

Take this questionnaire to get clear on what you may... Read More

Motivation and Change: Creating Your Daily Success Program

I get some of my best ideas for my column... Read More

The New Morality

In a world where dynamism alters egos and principles in... Read More

Intelligence & Energy

Life and evolution is the dynamics of energy in which... Read More

The Seven Keys to Motivation

Motivation. It's a complicated subject that is studied by many... Read More

The Untold Truth About Mentors, and Why You DONT Need One

I think there is a misconception about what a mentor... Read More

Raising The Bar

One of the most popular events in the Olympics is... Read More

The Top Five Great Reasons to Delay Pursuing Your Dream

1.2.3.4.5.Well, to be frank, there are no great reasons to... Read More

Are You in Touch With Your Inner M?

"M" is for Motivation.What motivates you to do a good... Read More

10 Ways to Reclaim Your Self-Esteem

The way you feel about yourself impacts how and why... Read More

Ill Put My Money On The Kid!

Now, the Fun Part. It is nigh time to find... Read More

Words Have Power

How many times have you heard or read that words... Read More

Beyond Procrastination ? 8 Questions To Ask Yourself

Why am I constantly putting things off? Why don't I... Read More

Happy New Year

H appiness depends upon your outlook on life.A ttitude is... Read More

Keep the Channel Open

Why do you do what you do? What is your... Read More

I Should Be Doing... But...?

What a perfect fall Saturday morning, clear sunny blue sky,... Read More

The Magic of Success is Actually a Law Set in Motion. Finding it is Quite Simple

Building Energy Around your Investment!For a century or more men... Read More

Motivation: The Cure for Complacency

Q. I've always tried to work hard enough to provide... Read More

Get Started! Do Something!

This is about getting started. Taking that first step. It... Read More

How to Make Bite Size Resolutions for 2005

It never fails. Another new year approaches. You watch that... Read More

Its Not Your Fault

Have you ever wondered what's really holding you back from... Read More

How To Win Over Your Fears

If you really want to do something you will always... Read More

Mindfulness and Birthdays: Surprising Moments

The first week of May is a big birthday time... Read More