Millions of people face huge changes in their lives during the midlife years and most seem to be glad they made the changes, but only if they've faced their own longings for meaning with integrity. Midlife can be defined as anywhere from 35 to 60, but usually comes on around the mid-forties or later. It's built into our psyches, just as other developmental stages at other ages are pre-programmed. Not everyone will experience it as an apparent period of change, though. Some women, and men too, just sense a slight change of priorities, values and perhaps a slight adjustment of goals if they recognize their midlife dilemmas at all. If you're one of the ones that are turning your life upside down, be not afraid.
An external event; divorce, a child leaving home, changes on the job, a death of a parent or friend or something else may trigger your midlife crisis, or it may be nothing but your thoughts driving you into making huge changes. We all resist change, to some degree. It can be scary; especially if you don't know what it is you're longing for exactly or you are committed or somewhat satisfied in the life you're living.
So, what is the question we face as we enter midlife? Well, there isn't usually just one. There are many for a lot of people. What is the meaning of my life? Who am I really? Am I living the best possible life for me? What if I do this now, or that now? What do I want or feel I need? What do I need to be the most content, the most satisfied with my life?
Be not afraid. These are excellent questions to ask yourself. As human beings, we need to ask ourselves these questions in order to grow. If you're a woman, you may be more open to the idea of personal growth. For traditional western men, though, in particular, the idea of growth may be resisted with a vengeance.
Resistance to growth can cause as much havoc, maybe more, in one's life than otherwise just settling down to a good, long think about those critical questions of midlife. Take the man who spends the family savings on a new Mercedes convertible or takes up with the pretty, young secretary. Please take him, as a female Rodney Dangerfield might say. Probably without being really aware of it, these men avoid the real issues and just act. Unfortunately, when they've usually lost the people who really love them the most, their savings and maybe their careers, they look back with great sorrow and recognize their failures. Women sometimes do the same thing; buy the fancy car, make a big career change, join the Peace Corps or move to Tahiti, and regrets will be their legacy if they haven't done their real work of sorting out the questions.
So, how do we know if we've really answered our inner midlife questions with honesty and integrity? We don't, not with any empirical certainty. That's where a lot of us get stuck. Some of us just give up and quietly weather the internal storm without making any changes to our lives. Others of us just react to our feelings without really thinking. Where a lot of us get stuck and into the most trouble, creating a huge and messy midlife crisis, is in not recognizing that it is what we think that causes our feelings. For instance, if I think my husband is just an old codger, I've given up on him and won't think as well about how I might understand him better and communicate better with him. If Bill thinks his secretary is sexier than his wife and he wants to revitalize himself sexually, he may make the play for the secretary, may even call it love. These are tricks of the mind.
The key for many people who make it through the midlife years without causing too much damage to themselves and others, and often make better lives for themselves, is recognizing that midlife is a stage and must be addressed with that one essential question, "What do I know, in my heart of hearts, will be the most meaningful path for my life now?" If you believe in God, this question may be better phrased as, "What does God really want of me?" Not to make it sound like an easy question, but this is the query that needs to be seriously considered, often for months or even years. This takes a healthy respect for your own intuitive sense, your spiritual side, or for God. What will be the most meaningful, or provide the most lasting, satisfaction for me? How will I feel about my life, looking back from my deathbed?
The surest way to avoid the question is to make superficial changes or refuse to change at all. The new car, a change of wardrobe, the pretty secretary or a quick move to the beaches of Tahiti won't give many, if any, of us that meaning we long for in midlife. Pulling in the reins and clamming up to shut out the question doesn't work for most either. While the Mercedes may give you some type of joy for awhile, it's the same as eating a box of chocolates when you're anxious or sad. The benefits don't last and the downside can be painful.
Resolving a midlife crisis with integrity also means sharing the process with your life partner, if you have one. Going it alone, when you have committed to a life partnership, unfairly excludes the partner. It's, to put it plainly and simply, cheating. This takes really opening up with your partner. It means you must share all of the questions whirling about in your head and heart. Whether the partner can and will choose to join you in the process and whether it means you stay together or split the sheets, you will at least know you're headed on the path that is meant for you. If it means you have to part, then, it's your responsibility alone to find and live your meaningful life. It will be your partner's responsibility to do the same for him or her self. If you have honestly tried your best to share it, you won't have to live with the destruction, guilt and grief afterwards. If she or he does join you on the quest, you're likely to find that you've done the best possible thing for yourself, your partner and your partnership while finding your path.
Be not afraid. While it may mean big changes, a midlife crisis that is resolved by recognizing the real answer to the meaning of your life, and then making that meaning your active life purpose, is a life lived well.
Bio
Jolyn Wells-Moran, PhD, is a freelance writer and author of four published books, many articles, short stories and a novel in process. She is also the editor of the Midlife News, a free ezine available for viewing or subscription at her website: http://jolynwellsmoran.com. Jolyn writes for publications, non-profits, individuals and others for reasonable rates and always meets deadlines. She lives alternately in Washington State and France. She can be contacted at reasonablewriter@yahoo.com.
When you make a decision, you hope it is ultimately... Read More
The heart seems to be one of the most vulnerable... Read More
He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have... Read More
Growing up, we all had a mental picture of the... Read More
Without appreciation, any success you have will be in vain... Read More
"You cannot step into the same river twice"Hericlitus spoke those... Read More
We should strive to attain a desireless state. As long... Read More
In Twelve Step meetings, it's traditional to groan when someone... Read More
What do people want most in the world? What is... Read More
Heading back to the car after lunch, a good-looking guy... Read More
A lot of your people problems and concerns about what... Read More
What is Desire? Let us see! Webster tells us that... Read More
Wildflowers grow from mere dust to reach their full potential.Wildflowers... Read More
Max jumped on my chest as soon as the first... Read More
If you've done any reading on the subject of marketing,... Read More
If you've ever thought about wanting to increase your physical... Read More
The art of conversation is a skill shared by most... Read More
There is an inherent problem with the approach most people... Read More
Invisible braces, like Invisalign, are most popular among adults. For... Read More
Do you remember your younger years when you and your... Read More
"The speed of electromagnetic energy signals is 186,000 miles per... Read More
What do we all strive for in life? Success! Success... Read More
When you have an important event to attend there are... Read More
There was a woman who was in such a hurry... Read More
You've heard people say that opportunity only knocks once. I... Read More
I just moved into my new luxurious, harborside condo, overlooking... Read More
The Law of Attraction T-ToolTM is the single most useful... Read More
"I just can't start a conversation with women, and it's... Read More
Being a child of the Seventies I'm a real fan... Read More
Last week I was driving along one of the major... Read More
A man is captive within himself. He dwells in a... Read More
The Law of Attraction says that 'like attracts like'. It... Read More
Flow is the quality of ease that can be integrated... Read More
That which you desire to remove from your life is... Read More
Your Access to AchievementA few years ago I read the... Read More
Invisible braces, like Invisalign, are most popular among adults. For... Read More
The purpose of human existence is to send out impulses... Read More
Do you hear yourself saying? When I have enough money,... Read More
One of the first and foremost things to do to... Read More
"We have two ears and one mouth, so that we... Read More
Although you know better, you do not apply all that... Read More
Heading back to the car after lunch, a good-looking guy... Read More
I was reminded once again the other day about how... Read More
Introduction"Where you find yourself tomorrow is a function of the... Read More
Hello, Moon.There you hang, a thin white sliver that cradles... Read More
Your Total Image is made up of several essential components:?... Read More
Recognizing your gift of choice is liberating. This means acknowledging... Read More
When I go out and talk to business people, I... Read More
Everyone can draw from the Universal Reserve Bank. What is... Read More
One of the great things about rapport is that it... Read More
Why do we settle for less and then make excuses... Read More
You get what you attract ? with your thoughts, words,... Read More
If you have ever traveled across country by train, you... Read More
What was your energy level like today? Did you wake... Read More
One of the first great things I learned when starting... Read More
I remember a football game from last season when the... Read More
Do you know that many people feel they cannot achieve... Read More
There is an inherent problem with the approach most people... Read More
Do you remember your younger years when you and your... Read More
Would you rather be wealthy or poverty-stricken? Not a difficult... Read More
Have you ever bought a new car and then afterwards... Read More
How many of us have ever felt that we've thrown... Read More
If you seem to spend much of your life doing... Read More
So much life conditioning inhibits the brilliance that is in... Read More
For the last several years, I have included on my... Read More
Do you believe in the idea of "abundance" or do... Read More
Attraction |