Saying No To Our Children

Saying no to our children is not always easy or pleasant. Sometimes it is very hard work and we don't want to face the struggle. Most of us at some time will find ourselves saying yes when we know we should have said no. Some people almost never say no. The funny thing is though, the more I am prepared to say no, and mean it, and enforce it, the less I have to say it. Children get the message. We have to say no to our diabetic children often enough, for health reasons, that you would think we would be better at it for other things. I know sometimes I feel a little guilty saying no to something after a series of diabetes related no's. But I still have to say no anyway. Parents who have to say no for most of the day will probably admit that they are not enforcing it. They give in too soon. When you do this you are sending mixed messages to your children about what they are and are not allowed to do. There are many reasons why we find it difficult to say no. However, there are some common patterns that we all display at some time or another. These are some common reasons, I know I need to raise my own hand at a couple of these.

* We want to protect or child from the "pain" or discomfort of disappointment.

* We want to protect ourselves from facing his feelings of anger or disappointment.

* We want to avoid the responsibilities of making a decision about an issue.

* We want to keep the peace and fear the row, or other consequences that may follow.

* We need our child's approval, want to be his friend, and fear his rejection.

* We want to keep the times we are with our child free from conflict.

We can get the necessary strength, confidence and authority to say no when it matters by understanding these reasons more fully.

Protecting Your Child from the Pain of Disappointment. Of course it hurts to see our children suffer, but mild discomfort and disappointment are a part of life. Our children will be better equipped to cope with the realities of life if they experience and learn to manage disappointment. This doesn't mean we should go out of our way to expose them to pain. It does mean that being the cause of their disappointment is not something we should feel guilty about. Being used to accepting no, and realizing that they can survive the disappointment, makes them stronger in the face of adversity and gives them a better idea of which "wants" are really important to them. Going without once in a while helps to develop a sense of priorities and character.

Protecting Ourselves from our Child's Feelings of Anger or Disappointment. We sometimes avoid saying no to protect ourselves from having to respond to our children's negative reaction. As parents, we are used to "making them feel better"; but how can we do this without giving in? We can't. We also can't avoid their negative reaction. We have to "stand in" and tough it out. Sometimes saying nothing is best for the situation

Avoiding the Responsibility of Making a Decision About an Issue. Sometimes we avoid saying no because it involves us in making a decision about rights and wrongs of an issue and taking responsibility for that decision afterward. It is easier to say yes, particularly if we don't find it easy to make decisions. Saying no puts the burden on us to have a reason for the refusal. If we cannot think of two good reasons for our decision then maybe we should re-think our position. We don't always have to supply our reasons to our children. When we say yes they don't ask why, they just accept the answer because it was what they wanted to hear. However, as parents it won't kill us to check our reasoning from time to time.

Fearful of the Row, or Other Consequences, That May Follow. If you find yourself often avoiding saying no because you are frightened of the power battle or retaliations that will follow, you need to ask yourself two questions.

* Have I got myself into a power-contest with my child, and if so, why?

* Am I letting myself be blackmailed by their threatened emotional reaction?

If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then you have two more questions to answer.

* Who is in charge?

* Who should be in charge?

Needing Approval, and fearing Rejection. Some parents may find it hard to say no because they are afraid their children won't like them if they don't give them what they want. They need to be liked and need to feel that their child is their friend. If you are looking for approval and friendship from your child, especially if you need it for your own self-esteem, then you are putting a huge burden on your child that they should not be asked to carry. We as parents need to be the constant factor in our children's lives. We need to be their rock of guidance and security.

Wanting to Keep the Times You Are Together Free from Conflict. It is very hard for a parent who does not spend much time, for whatever reason, with their child to start being tough and causing upset. It is only natural that you want to keep those precious moments free from conflict. Non custodial parents sometimes spoil their children when it's their weekend "on". Working parents who arrive home near bedtime may find it hard to resist the pleas for more time and attention. Our children have a way of knowing the weak spot, and will exploit it for all it's worth. To them it's worth a lot. But giving in or being soft is not in their best interest.

We know that it can be a hard world out there sometimes. At some point in their lives our children are going to have to face it on their own. We meet our responsibilities as parents by properly equipping them to successfully meet and overcome the obstacles they will surely face. Don't send your precious child out there unprepared.

About the Author
Russell Turner, USA
info@mychildhasdiabetes.com
http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com

Russell Turner is the father of a 10 year old diabetic daughter. After she was diagnosed he soon discovered he could find all sorts of medical information on the internet. What he couldn't find was how to prepare his child and family for living with this disease. He started his own website for parents of newly diagnosed diabetic children http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com

---

The Challenges of Single Parenting

Having worked with parents for the last 35 years and... Read More

Think Like Your Kids - And Understand Them More!

Seven-year old Michael was on a school trip to a... Read More

The Real Dangers to Kids Online and How to Avoid Them: Top 5 Internet Safety Tips

The Real Dangers to Kids Online and How to Avoid... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: The Trust Issue

Q. How do we decide what our teens should be... Read More

Parents, Teach Thought-Stopping! Fix Crooked Thinking Caps

Does your child pout, blame and brood? Does he gripe,... Read More

Weathering Colic for New Parents

A common problem many times facing parents is Colic. Estimates... Read More

Uniforms

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 31,... Read More

Words of Wisdom for Single Parents

The cost of being a parent and raising a child... Read More

Develop Your Childs Genius - Right Brain/Left Brain Coordination

No matter how old your children are, you have an... Read More

So You Want to Adopt?

Many reasons will cause some people to feel the need... Read More

Mommie Moments ? Taking Time For Yourself

Being a parent is a role that requires a large... Read More

Develop Your Childs Critical Thinking Skills

1. Encourage Questions.Don't answer every question, instead ask what do... Read More

How to Give Your Child Encyclopedic Knowledge?

When you talk about multiply your child's intelligence, you can't... Read More

Building Teen Character: Part-Time Employment

The teenage years are a crucial time in a child's... Read More

Maximizing Your ADHD Childs Performance in School.

As a parent there are lots of things that you... Read More

What You Can Learn About Life From Your Children

You can learn a lot from children.The best part of... Read More

Quality Time?

There's a phrase that's become popular over the past few... Read More

The Added Advantage In African American Childrens Education: Computer Homeschooling (Part 2)

We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit how... Read More

Are You Frustrated With Public Schools?

Join a growing number of parents and teachers!Fact: Last year,... Read More

Things To Teach Your Teenage Driver

Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues... Read More

Stress is No Kiddy Matter

Kids today no longer live the kind of privileged lives... Read More

Gifted Children - Getting the Balance Right

One of the challenges for parents with a gifted child... Read More

THE NEW SCHOOL VISIT: 5 Things to Look For

Today the little red school house is not what it... Read More

Monitoring Your Teens for Drug Use Without Appearing to be Spying

Even if your teenagers do not use drugs, you still... Read More

Public Schools --- Why On Earth Do We Need Them?

From the time the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock in... Read More

Quality Time with Your Teen

It's sometimes difficult to find ways to be involved with... Read More

Aptitude, Achievement, Processing Deficit - What Does It All Mean?

You are sitting with the professionals who know about learning... Read More

Book Review: How to Get Your Child to Love Reading

How to Get Your Child to Love Reading was conceived... Read More

Discipline on My Mind

I look out of the window as I am writing... Read More

Frequently Asked Questions About Reading To Your Child

Are you worried about your child's reading habits? Perhaps you... Read More

Three Tips to Get Children with Sleeping Problems Asleep

According to the American Sleep Association 70% of all babies... Read More

Preventing Obesity in Young Children

Do you have a young child whose weight or eating... Read More

Power Foods for a Powerful School Lunch

There isn't a school day that goes by that I... Read More