How To Keep Love Growing Through All The Ups And Downs

The relationship expert on i.village.com, I am the author of many books on relationships and Zen including Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), www.livingbyzen.com Some other books of mine include Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon And Schuster), Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Wiley, and Why Men Leave, (Putnam), What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam).

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they wonder if it's possible to have the same success in love. Although things may start out wonderfully in the beginning, there is always the fear that it won't last, that difficulties will arise, feelings will start to change. Then when things alter, as they naturally must, many have the mistaken idea that the love is disappearing. . They wonder what went wrong.

Nothing went wrong. Change is natural and inevitable. It does not mean that the love has gone away. That is a mistaken idea of what love is. We simply have to know what love is, and how to keep it growing, through all the ups and downs.

The Perfect Partner

When we initially fall in love, we feel we have found "the perfect person." A tremendous excitement takes over. We project many wonderful qualities upon our partner and block out any faults. Then we feel that we, too, must be so wonderful to have a partner who is so ideal. For many there is the feeling that they have finally discovered someone who will be able to give them all the love, approval and inspiration they have sought all their lives.

This is a huge demand to make upon another person, but it happens anyway. When this demand is not fulfilled, a deep disappointment can arise. It seems as though the partner has failed us, but in truth it is the unrealistic demands we have made that is causing pain.

Guide 1: Take a close look at what you are expecting from your partner. Is it possible? Are you setting yourself up for a fall?

Realize that no one can make up for years of upset. No one can give you all you need to feel whole. You must learn to love, grow and become whole on your own. You must become your own best friend, and also learn to be a friend to the other

After a period of time, when we feel more secure in the relationship, it is inevitable that reality starts to set in. Different qualities in our partner become obvious. It's hard to keep pretending that the person matches all our dreams. It is at this point that questions and doubts start to surface. Perhaps there is a desire to "change" the other to meet our image, or a feeling that if they loved us enough, they would naturally change.

Both stop a moment and think carefully. Another person does not exist to meet all of your needs and dreams. This is not love. It is using anotheras an object to meet our needs. This desire itself cause our pain.

Guide 2: No one has to change for you to love them. Nor do you have to change to be worthy of love. You can never change enough to please another person. The work of love is to be able to love the other just as they are, and to also love yourself.

The work of love is the work of learning to accept the other person, and also to accept yourself. Love is not a feeling that stays the same all the time. Love is a verb. It grows as we face change and difficulty. Love grows through actions we take, through understanding and through developing the ability to really know who the other is and to really become their friend.

"A feeling that is here one minute and gone the next cannot be called love."

Kabir . cc/Dr Brenda Shoshanna/2005

----------------------------

Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist, speaker and author is a long term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life. The relationship expert on i.village.com, she offers workshops and talks on relationships and is the author of many books. The most recent is Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com. She is also the author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other books. She can be reached at topspeaker@yahoo.com Her personal website is http://www.brendashoshanna.com

---

Want to Get Married in Las Vegas?

Only in Las Vegas can you find everything for your... Read More

Wedding Favors That Embrace Nature?s Beauty

A wedding planned in the spirit of nature provides the... Read More

Prescription for a Happy Marriage

Prescription for a happy marriage: one cup of tea or... Read More

Outdoor Wedding Ceremonies ? Keeping Your Guest Comfortable

According to a survey conducted in 2003 by Bride's magazine,... Read More

Improve Your Marriage With Better Communication

Communication plays one of the most important roles in any... Read More

Marriage Advice: Upgrade Your Marriage By Changing Your Focus

As the story goes, a Cherokee elder was sitting with... Read More

The Gracious Bride

The key to being a gracious bride is to be... Read More

Divorce Rate Plummets As More Americans Shack Up Instead of Getting Married

More Americans are taking "til death do us part" seriously.... Read More

Star Jones Nuptials: Fairytale Wedding or Diva Gone Wild?

In case you've been living on another planet for the... Read More

The Runaway Brides ( & Grooms)

The 1999 Julia Roberts movie 'Runaway Bride' is about a... Read More

Family Cycle (I) - Euphoric and Dysphoric Cycles in Marriage

Despite all the fashionable theories of marriage, the narratives and... Read More

Wedding Gown Styles

The wedding gown is most important choice for a bride... Read More

Getting Married? What You Should Do With Your Checking Accounts and Credit Cards

Marriage is a wonderful thing, but planning the wedding is... Read More

How to Avoid Destructive Dynamics in Your Marriage

A dynamic that prevents real connection in a relationship is... Read More

An Ethical Alternative to the Conspicuous Excess of the Average Wedding

Many happy couples are turning their backs on the traditional... Read More

Were Engaged!

He's popped the question and you're dying to tell someone.... Read More

Nine Ways to Save Money on Wedding Photography

Weddings are memorable events couples and their families want to... Read More

Planning your Weddings Decoration Budget

When it comes to your decorating budget it really depends... Read More

How to Find The Perfect Wedding Dress

You want the perfect wedding dress, so you have made... Read More

How to Recognize and Cope with an Emotional Affair

Did you know that an emotional affair can be just... Read More

Wedding Extravaganza

The extravagance of weddings is a popular topic. We blame... Read More

Hey, Where Do I Put My Speakers? Unique Venues Require Unique DJs

If your wedding or party is being held in a... Read More

For Second Weddings Only - Eight Tips

Planning a second wedding? Prevent favorite guests comparing your second... Read More

Here Comes the Bride

As we hear the music begin to play the Bridal... Read More

Wedding Dresses - What To Wear

You have begun to plan your wedding and you want... Read More

Selecting Mens Formalwear For The Wedding

Have you ever noticed that weddings seem to be all... Read More

Online Wedding Dress Shopping!

Taking the hassle out of finding your perfect and unique... Read More

Trust in Marriage

Trust is the basis of all human relationships. Trust can... Read More

How to Have a Sizzler of a Honeymoon! Article No.1

Henry Vlll and Elizabeth Taylor, who between them had fourteen... Read More

Selecting Your Wedding Centerpieces

Wedding centerpieces help tie together the look of your entire... Read More

Business Partners & Marital Partners Will The Marriage Survive - Part II

In the last article, we concluded by saying that keeping... Read More

Mens Moissanite Wedding Rings, or Is Moissanite a Mans Best Friend?

As mens wedding rings become more and more popular mens... Read More

Want To Know More About Wedding Planners?

Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel and Bookpleasures is pleased... Read More