The relationship expert on i.village.com, I am the author of many books on relationships and Zen including Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), www.livingbyzen.com Some other books of mine include Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon And Schuster), Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Wiley, and Why Men Leave, (Putnam), What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam).
We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they wonder if it's possible to have the same success in love. Although things may start out wonderfully in the beginning, there is always the fear that it won't last, that difficulties will arise, feelings will start to change. Then when things alter, as they naturally must, many have the mistaken idea that the love is disappearing. . They wonder what went wrong.
Nothing went wrong. Change is natural and inevitable. It does not mean that the love has gone away. That is a mistaken idea of what love is. We simply have to know what love is, and how to keep it growing, through all the ups and downs.
The Perfect Partner
When we initially fall in love, we feel we have found "the perfect person." A tremendous excitement takes over. We project many wonderful qualities upon our partner and block out any faults. Then we feel that we, too, must be so wonderful to have a partner who is so ideal. For many there is the feeling that they have finally discovered someone who will be able to give them all the love, approval and inspiration they have sought all their lives.
This is a huge demand to make upon another person, but it happens anyway. When this demand is not fulfilled, a deep disappointment can arise. It seems as though the partner has failed us, but in truth it is the unrealistic demands we have made that is causing pain.
Guide 1: Take a close look at what you are expecting from your partner. Is it possible? Are you setting yourself up for a fall?
Realize that no one can make up for years of upset. No one can give you all you need to feel whole. You must learn to love, grow and become whole on your own. You must become your own best friend, and also learn to be a friend to the other
After a period of time, when we feel more secure in the relationship, it is inevitable that reality starts to set in. Different qualities in our partner become obvious. It's hard to keep pretending that the person matches all our dreams. It is at this point that questions and doubts start to surface. Perhaps there is a desire to "change" the other to meet our image, or a feeling that if they loved us enough, they would naturally change.
Both stop a moment and think carefully. Another person does not exist to meet all of your needs and dreams. This is not love. It is using anotheras an object to meet our needs. This desire itself cause our pain.
Guide 2: No one has to change for you to love them. Nor do you have to change to be worthy of love. You can never change enough to please another person. The work of love is to be able to love the other just as they are, and to also love yourself.
The work of love is the work of learning to accept the other person, and also to accept yourself. Love is not a feeling that stays the same all the time. Love is a verb. It grows as we face change and difficulty. Love grows through actions we take, through understanding and through developing the ability to really know who the other is and to really become their friend.
"A feeling that is here one minute and gone the next cannot be called love."
Kabir . cc/Dr Brenda Shoshanna/2005
----------------------------
Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist, speaker and author is a long term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life. The relationship expert on i.village.com, she offers workshops and talks on relationships and is the author of many books. The most recent is Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com. She is also the author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other books. She can be reached at topspeaker@yahoo.com Her personal website is http://www.brendashoshanna.com
There are many options available to adorn your flower girl... Read More
It's safe to say that out of all the events... Read More
Your wedding is supposed to be the most important day... Read More
Overwhelmed is a common feeling a bride-to-be experiences as she... Read More
Receiving wedding gifts is a whole lot more fun when... Read More
It's time to look for a banquet facility. Most clients... Read More
Your wedding flowers usually tie to your wedding theme. When... Read More
Arranged marriages have been a topic of interest for centuries.... Read More
"Presence is more than just being there," states Malcolm S.Forbes.... Read More
Hopefully, you've read my prerequisite lesson "Invitation Anatomy 101 ?... Read More
Tina Turner asked an important question in the title of... Read More
Details, details, details. Paying attention to details, that's what makes... Read More
The best and most valuable gifts are often not material... Read More
Homemade wedding favors come from a centuries old tradition of... Read More
Providing chocolate as a wedding favor has been a time... Read More
When it comes to response/RSVP cards, the goal is to... Read More
The relationship expert on i.village.com, I am the author of... Read More
1) Write a mission statement:Most brides spend more time planning... Read More
Of all the things you need to do, buy and... Read More
In the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have... Read More
Monograms are a huge trend in weddings, to the point... Read More
Here are five seeds of a great marriage from grandmother.... Read More
You have your band (around your finger), now it's time... Read More
Planning a bridal shower? Maybe a dear friend or even... Read More
This is something that we've started to send to all... Read More
Moissanite is fast becoming the new diamonds. The newest jewelry... Read More
Somewhere when you least expected, you find the person who... Read More
Are you a Bride-to-Be? Wonderful! Congratulations! But what's that enormous... Read More
In a fast-paced world of wedding planning, stress levels are... Read More
You've gotten engaged and have set the wedding date and... Read More
During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole... Read More
The formula for marital harmony and success is not a... Read More
Save the Date Cards are announcements that inform your guests... Read More
If your husband is faithful, you have much to be... Read More
Mens wedding bands are an emerging phenomenon. Whilst women have... Read More
1) Write a mission statement:Most brides spend more time planning... Read More
How do you handle arguments that lead to heated exchanges... Read More
Tahiti honeymoon resorts are the best places you could think... Read More
Details, details, details. Paying attention to details, that's what makes... Read More
Celebrate your marriage by planning a Florida honeymoon vacation with... Read More
It's time to look for a banquet facility. Most clients... Read More
Proposing marriage to your beloved is a very big step.... Read More
A frustrating lack of permanence plagues modern relationships. Approximately one... Read More
Diamonds may be a woman's best friend, but modern man... Read More
As the story goes, a Cherokee elder was sitting with... Read More
Jealousy has often been called the "green-eyed monster," and with... Read More
Every woman in the room agreed that Crichton was a... Read More
Wedding receptions are not as formal as they once were,... Read More
Overwhelmed is a common feeling a bride-to-be experiences as she... Read More
Getting Married? Congratulations! You just set the date for the... Read More
I recall how Mrs. Ingridman taught me invaluable lessons on... Read More
Ritual symbolism abounds in everything we do; this is particularly... Read More
After choosing the design for your wedding invitations you can... Read More
When you are planning a budgeted menu, you must first... Read More
The wedding gown is most important choice for a bride... Read More
Whoever said diamonds are women's best friends, surely missed on... Read More
We've all been through times in our lives when it... Read More
The purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate the... Read More
Of all the things you need to do, buy and... Read More
Not only do individuals who follow Time Magazine's "Eight Steps... Read More
Oregon is one of the most marvelous places in the... Read More
How to get a spouse's attention so that he or... Read More
Her dreams of marriage and collected marriage values disintegrate when... Read More
If bar-hopping and male strippers aren't the bride's idea of... Read More
Have you heard enough about the "Runaway Bride" yet? Well,... Read More
Selecting a wedding ring isn't as easy as it looks.... Read More
Marriage & Wedding |