Our studies of the most effective people in corporate America show that the top 2 percent are effective not because they executed best practices well. They did not make the most phone calls or have the best processes. They simply understood the truth about trust:
People do business with people they like.
They like people they trust.
They trust people who have a detectable level of compassion and competence.
Does it take time to build trust? The truth is that you have known people for five years who still don't trust you, and you've known some for five minutes who do. Our research shows that trust is usually created by showing a detectable level of concern. When people truly believe you are concerned for them, they tend to think you possess good judgment. After all, if you care about them, you must know what you are doing.
So what is the fastest and most effective way to show people that you care and you're competent?
Make sure they feel heard, which is more than just listening. I call it listening like a leader.
You are not a leader unless you have followers; a leader without followers is called a failure. Regardless of your skills, if your staff doesn't feel heard and doesn't trust you, they will always do the minimum. They will watch the clock and be ready to leave at 4:45 every afternoon. They will do just enough each day to avoid getting fired, and they will hope the idea you came up with without their input fails. That's right-you can spend your life delegating to people who want your projects to fail. How smart is that?
OK, you have to listen; I am sure you already know that. The issue is, how well do people really listen? Most studies show that 75 percent of the world's population does not listen well.
Here is an insight that you won't find in many books, keynote speeches or training programs. As a whole, we don't listen very well and it's not our fault! That's right, I am sure you are used to hearing and reading that all of our communication problems are of our making. However, most experts agree that from birth to 5 years of age, we learn more than we will for the rest of our lives.
Even if you earn 15 doctorate degrees in your lifetime, you still acquired most of your knowledge in early childhood. In those formative years, if a child does not feel heard by the adults in its life, it does not possess good listening skills. The bottom line is that it's hard to listen when no one ever listened to you.
Listening is not hereditary.
It's an acquired skill.
Are we going to blame the parents? No! It's difficult to listen to young children when we are trying to look out for their welfare. When my stepdaughter was five, she asked me if Dracula drives a taxi cab. I said, "Well?, I guess if it's a night job. Uh, wait a minute! What kind of question is that?"
She also asked me if she could have a tattoo-not a fake, stick-on tattoo from an ice cream parlor vending machine, but a real one. I said, "No, because you're in kindergarten-and I'm taking the TV out of your room just for asking that question."
People are more likely to follow your example than to follow your advice. We create better listeners by being better listeners. Unfortunately, we don't have much evidence of people returning from communication-training programs as better listeners. It doesn't take a lot of research to figure out that poor listeners get very little from seminars on listening.
So we don't listen and it prevents us from being effective leaders. If we can't do much to improve our listening skills, we have to focus on what we can do in the condition we are in.
The key, then, is to focus on making sure people feel heard. And the first step requires recognizing and recovering from distractions. One day, as I listened to an employee talk about his wants and needs, my mind started to wander. There he was, sharing his core issues, and I'm thinking to myself, "Look at the size of this guy's head!" It was hard to focus. Once I was trying to listen to a prospect on a sales call when I noticed he had red hair, blonde eyebrows and a black mustache. I remember thinking, "It's Mr. Potato Face! Something has to be a stick-on; that's not all him."
After we recover from our own distractions, we have to deal with the real issues at hand. The first of these issues is what I refer to as "the pitch in your head." It can be anything from a preconceived idea that a manager has about an employee, to a practiced presentation that you are dying to spew on your unsuspecting sales victims (prospects, I mean).
Sure, you ask a question just as you were taught to do in your sales or management training program-you know, a question like "Based on what criteria are your decisions made?" As they talk and you diligently pretend to listen, the pitch in your head starts to play; and when the prospect says something that strikes a chord in you, triggering how much you know, your pitch finds the pause it was looking for and off you go.
"I know exactly what you are talking about because I have had many people just like you with this exact same situation. As a matter of fact, it was this time last year and they even looked a lot like you."
You then project your opinion, experience or spiel onto the person as a solution to his or her problem.
Instead of feeling heard, the person feels quickly judged, and communication does not take place. It was dead before the spew was finished.
The problem with this scenario is that you rob people of their uniqueness. When you tell them you know exactly what the problem is, they tend to want to show you how unique they are. You actually create your own resistance and prevent your skills and even your empathy from making their mark.
When people are talking, you are thinking about you or about what you can do to help them help you. It's a natural thing for us to do, and it forces us to pitch hard and focus on convincing rather than on gaining agreement.
So what do the most effective people do differently?
They make sure the people they are dealing with feel heard and can retain their uniqueness. If you make people feel important, you will be important to them! But an even bigger realization comes from all of this.
When you focus on how people feel about what they are saying, you increase the level of true concern you have for others. You actually start to become the person you thought you were pretending to be: a true leader!
Garrison Wynn, CSP is a nationally known speaker, trainer, and consultant. He is the president and founder of Wynn Solutions, specializing in turning talent into performance.
Wynn Solutions | http://www.wynnsolutions.com | 1302 Waugh #534, Houston TX, 77019 | 888.833.2902 Toll Free | 713.864.2902 Local | info@wynnsolutions.com
You are a leader if someone is following you. This... Read More
You've spent the last 12 years riding your technical skills... Read More
"You do not merely want to be considered just the... Read More
A Lasting Leadership Lesson: How One Leadership Talk By George... Read More
"Leaders are born, not made." Right? Let me ask you... Read More
It happens easily. You're conducting a meeting and suddenly a... Read More
One of my favorite memories growing up as a child... Read More
A new supervisor is hired to anchor a gardening project... Read More
This article was published in the Nov. 2003 edition of... Read More
OK, I know this title sounds self-serving and hard nosed,... Read More
In the Wall Street Journal, Franklin Lavin, U.S. Ambassabor to... Read More
Many people end up in a supervisory position or SOHO... Read More
Last week, as I was standing in the checkout line... Read More
In the hit comedic movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's character,... Read More
Business leaders have more than a title on their doors.... Read More
Years ago, a very wise, and often cynical boss of... Read More
The hologram is a three-dimensional photograph made on a flat... Read More
Purpose: Learn immediately if you are fostering leadership or ignoring... Read More
In today's highly competitive world, there is a lot of... Read More
Leadership is the foundation for all organizations, whether corporate, nonprofit... Read More
1. The West Point Way of Leadership.GREAT book by a... Read More
At one point or another, we have all been either... Read More
A few years ago, I returned to my impoverished village... Read More
Go to any educational institution, look at airport bookshelves, shopping... Read More
It's interesting to hear the responses from executives when I... Read More
A number of years ago we created a graphic logo... Read More
There lives within every individual a power, an energy, an... Read More
I hated Kyle Sisk*. A notorious bully, Kyle punctuated my... Read More
Who is Randy Gage? I first read about him in... Read More
In most aspects of human activity, the pendulum of fashion... Read More
"We should not only use all the brains we have,... Read More
"The miracle power that elevates the few is to be... Read More
As a leader, you do nothing more important than get... Read More
Side conversations ruin meetings by destroying focus and fragmenting participation.Approach... Read More
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"Remember... Read More
Go to any educational institution, look at airport bookshelves, shopping... Read More
What is more important, leadership or teamwork? Leadership or consensus... Read More
In Part 1, I said that leaders who can't have... Read More
The single most important thing a leader can do is... Read More
The first time I meet a leader to decide if... Read More
(Excerpted from the Jim Rohn Sampler single CD)My first mentor,... Read More
How do you get your people on your side? And... Read More
Leadership is what every organization needs and so few have... Read More
There is a steady stream being written and taught about... Read More
Peer independence is arguably the least understood aspect of self... Read More
Lately the age-old business dilemma of how to stand out... Read More
Years ago, a very wise, and often cynical boss of... Read More
A German silent film melodrama depicts an airship bombing London... Read More
Last week, as I was standing in the checkout line... Read More
Any man would be justly proud to claim even a... Read More
I had the good fortune (or misfortune depending on your... Read More
"Do what you do so well that they will want... Read More
The stock market gyrates with unpredictable and heartburning results. Icons... Read More
A good strong example of a family leader would be... Read More
10 Ways to Beef Up Your Leadership SkillsHave you ever... Read More
"Who rules or guides or inspires others"Having excellent guide skills... Read More
There is a common phrase that says: "You can't teach... Read More
The Enneagram is a fascinating tool of nine orientations that... Read More
Relationships are constantly facing crisis. Everywhere we look people are... Read More
[Abounding Abundant Ample Ways To Boost Your Growth!] This may... Read More
History teaches that when people needed to do great things,... Read More
The Leadership ChallengeLeaders in today's society are faced with an... Read More
Leadership is the foundation for all organizations, whether corporate, nonprofit... Read More
95% of Workers Fail Because of This...But They Can Fix... Read More
What exactly is Charisma? Most would agree that it is... Read More
This article was published in the Nov. 2003 edition of... Read More
Leadership |