"I'll call you this week". "Yes, I'd love to see you again". "I had a great time". "I'm not interested in dating anyone else". "I think I'm falling in love with you."
These are a few of the phrases passed between singles as they move through the stages of meeting and dating. At the time, they are uttered with what feels like true emotion and honesty. No wonder the person they are directed to is so confused when the call never comes, the person becomes unavailable, or it soon becomes evident that the speaker is dating or deeply involved with someone else. Can we ever believe what we see or hear? How can we be sure?
Dating is a process of getting to know someone. It begins with an attraction, which is formed by that first impression. Often, this first meeting occurs by chance at a social gathering, at work or in the course of one's daily life. More and more, it happens through a response to a personal ad and the emailing and phone calls that follow. Both in-person and email or voice contact give us a sense of the other individual- but this is only a brief snapshot of who they may be. It takes real time together to create a larger and clearer picture of this other person and their rightness or wrongness for us. During this time we assess for friendship, attraction, shared interests and values, and a willingness and ability on the part of both individuals to move forward in a relationship.
Given that this is a process, it has stages. A first date helps the couple to learn more. It is a fact-finding experience, which involves not only the information the other provides, but our feelings and reactions to it and to them as a potential partner. We show our best selves and attempt to make an appropriate connection with someone we find desirable. In the best scenario, everything clicks for both people and conversation is natural and easy. More often, there may be questions, doubts, and/or mixed feelings. Seeing each other again is often suggested by one or both people and is a good way to learn more about each other and resolve any questions. But the doubts and negative feelings go unstated in a desire to either give the other person a chance or to let them down easily. It's also an easy way out for someone who is uncomfortable with this level of emotional honesty.
So, how do we know what the other person is truly feeling? You have several options for getting this information.
* You take them at their word and wait to see if they follow through with what they have said they would do. Nothing speaks louder than behavior. This option is the most common choice and can leave you in that all too familiar holding and wondering pattern.
* You attempt to address the situation openly and candidly. This one requires a bit of courage and an ability to be vulnerable. State how you are feeling in a thoughtful but honest way. Ask them to do the same for you. Let them know that you want to hear their honest thoughts about how the date went and if they would like to get together again.
* The third option should be used regardless of what you do with the other two. Pay attention to their non-verbal communication. How do they look at you? What quiet responses do you get after you have shared something about yourself? What do you see in their facial reaction, posture and eyes? Do you FEEL interest or just politeness? Are they really WITH you, or somewhere else? If you learn to listen to the non-verbal language, you will HEAR much more than what their words have to say.
Listening to the whole person applies throughout the stages of dating and relationships. It is also important during this time to pay attention to their behavior and note inconsistencies or mixed messages. Too often people don't and are stunned when a relationship "suddenly" ends or they find out they are seeing someone who was not the person they thought they were. Trust your instincts and listen "with a third ear".
Remember also that the responsibility for honesty is also on you. Don't say what you think the other person wants to hear because you don't want to be impolite or hurt their feelings. If you really think about it, it is more hurtful and in poor taste to be dishonest with someone who has a true interest and is trying to learn yours.
Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips and relationship advice in response to listener feedback. Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships. She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and The International Association Of Coaches.
Dating and saving money. For many, the two concepts don't... Read More
When it comes to online dating many people think that... Read More
Dating online can be great fun, stimulating and exciting. So... Read More
What do you talk about on a date? Is it... Read More
Most of us have different levels of confidence. I'm sure... Read More
"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us."- Earl... Read More
Most pick-up lines don't work because they are trite, cheesy,... Read More
Probably you do have attitude, but what is it? Jaded,... Read More
I was reading an article about the Apprentice and some... Read More
It's unbelievable how many guys have this problem!I mean, you... Read More
ARIES (March 21 - April 19) - She's aggressive with... Read More
LadiesYes, we all have a friend who is or has... Read More
Free dating online-you've heard about it, you've read about it,... Read More
There is just something that makes women NOT get attracted... Read More
We are all too familiar with the term "body language".... Read More
Today there are many single women over the age of... Read More
Dating mistakes can kill a dating relationship. Do you know... Read More
In a contemporary Christian world, there is a hidden reality... Read More
A Christian dating service can help single Christians meet one... Read More
Whether you have been dating for years, getting back in... Read More
There are lots of Internet dating sites available. Some are... Read More
So, you've decided to join a dating website. You're hoping... Read More
"There is a time for everything, and a season for... Read More
Does your significant other cry at goofy commercials? Does she... Read More
There is a war between the sexes. This war is... Read More
First dates cause anxiety and thoughts of disastrous and embarrassing... Read More
There are so many dating sites on the net these... Read More
Did you know that Match.com has around twelve million members,... Read More
So you are thinking of giving online dating a try... Read More
1. Tattoos.Tattoos used to be the colouring of soldiers, sailors,... Read More
So, you have decided to do it. Get out there... Read More
If you're tired of the boring and repetitive local dating... Read More
How many times have you heard someone say it was... Read More
Now you all know I have become a bit cynical... Read More
There is one thing we all know for certain when... Read More
It begins with you, and your attitude. There are a... Read More
Being an expat in a foreign country where you don't... Read More
Food in teeth, nausea, childhood stories and exposing your pot... Read More
Ladies, this one is for you. Your mother always told... Read More
Surely you remember that famous line from American Pie, when... Read More
So how can a blind date increase your psychic abilities?... Read More
Feeling uncomfortable in the stomach, cold sweaty palm, trembling of... Read More
The next most likely place to meet your match is... Read More
One of the most frequent questions I am asked is... Read More
True story: A few years back I was working with... Read More
Valentine's Day was initially an outgrowth of an ancient Roman... Read More
When you think about what you find attractive in a... Read More
This article will seem like just good old plain common... Read More
Are you dating or in a serious relationship? Did you... Read More
You get her number, set up the date, take her... Read More
Are you familiar with Seduction Lairs and how to use... Read More
Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever had... Read More
Three years ago, I met my boyfriend Andy through the... Read More
Are you dating or in a serious relationship? Did you... Read More
Dating Online is currently the Internets biggest craze, and its... Read More
Creating a great ad means selling your strengths and attributes.... Read More
I logged on to a dating site the other day... Read More
Have you heard about the technique Olympic athletes use to... Read More
"When you truly look for me, You will find me."... Read More
There are so many dating sites out there, hundreds if... Read More
LadiesYes, we all have a friend who is or has... Read More
Each and every woman is an actress in their own... Read More
Co-Dependency is an unhealthy reliance on another person for every... Read More
Did you know that Online Dating is the top moneymaker... Read More
So, you have decided to do it. Get out there... Read More
We've all had that special woman in our lives. You... Read More
Dating |