Dealing With Your Spouses Sexual Past

"Couples who've had sex before marriage will inevitably have sexual difficulties in marriage."

That's what Joe Beam, marriage expert and president of Family Dynamics Institute, said to a large audience of married couples. Through Family Dynamics Institute's work with thousands of couples, we've learned that the emotional results of premarital sex, in most cases, negatively affect many aspects of a marriage.

More than half of those who marry today bring sexual histories into their marriages, and it seems to me that wringing our hands over the issue isn't going to help those struggling with the consequences in their relationships today.

So what can be done about marriage difficulties that result from premarital sex? I have some suggestions that have helped others who've approached me about the issue.

1. Confess. It's good for the soul, they say. It's also good for your marriage. If he doesn't know you had sex with someone before you married him, he probably needs to know. He especially needs to know if it is responsible for struggles in the bedroom. He can't fight an enemy he doesn't even know exists and if you want true intimacy with him then you need to share everything about yourself.

Your spouse will probably be hurt by the news. I didn't say it would be easy, but if you want to overcome the guilt and intimacy issues that often come with having a sexual past, you have to eliminate secrets (except of course, what you're getting him or her for Valentine's day). By that I don't mean you flood your spouse with all the details of your past encounters. Usually telling the basics will suffice, but tell as much as he or she wants to know. That way he knows you aren't keeping secrets from him, and so do you.

An intimate marriage with no secrets can overcome most of life's obstacles. So the first step to overcoming a sexual past is to strengthen your relationship by bringing your past out in the open. Obviously, this is a two-way street.

2. Differentiate. Sometimes each spouse enters marriage with a sexual past. Even if you are guilty of having a sexual past, it's hard to fight the feeling of betrayal if you discover your spouse also committed sexual sins before marriage.

The reason it hurts to learn of the sexual past of our spouse is due to something I believe God put inside each one of us--the desire for privileged rights with another person. We want to share the most personal parts of ourselves with another person and to experience the same from that person. We want to share something with our spouse that is different and separate from any experience he or she has ever had with anyone else.

When we learn that another person has experienced the deepest, most hidden parts of our spouse we feel cheated. We feel as though we've been robbed of something that should only belong to us. We actually feel violated by sharing our spouse with another person, even if it happened a long time ago.

Therefore, it is essential that we are able to reclaim that privileged right to our spouse. We've got to have something together that no one else has (or can have) with him or her.

Think and pray long and hard on this: Determine why you chose your spouse over anyone else. Determine what makes your marriage special and unique. Find something that the two of you can cling to as sacred and shared only by the two of you. Use that as a focal point and a continual source of security when you or your spouse experience the guilt, regret, or pain that results from your sexual pasts.

3. Pay attention to the link between your sex life and your emotional health. Many times your sex life reflects the overall health of your relationship. If you have feelings of comfort and happiness at the thought of sex with your spouse, usually your relationship is in good shape. But when you have negative thoughts about sex with your spouse, with the exception of periodic physical complications, many times it means that you and your spouse are emotionally distant.

When your relationship is in good shape, sex should be a natural result. It's the outcome of a good relationship where each spouse feels secure, appreciated, understood and loved. And, after a certain level of emotional health is reached, sex makes vital contributions to the emotional health of a marriage. Make sure you understand the importance of your sexual and emotional relationship with your spouse and act accordingly.

Though this formula is not a quick fix, it is the quickest fix known to me. Other couples have used this strategy and it has worked. I'm convinced it will work for you as well.

© 2005 Lee Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Lee Wilson is on staff at Family Dynamics Institute. Family Dynamics attempts to prevent marriage problems by helping couples who are already in troubled marriages and by teaching those in good marriages to prevent major issues before they happen. Lee combats marriage problems from another angle with his web site for Christian singles by helping them find compatibility in possible marriage candidates. Lee hopes his efforts will help to decrease the divorce rate around the world.

---

Have a Garden Theme Dream Wedding

You've found the perfect venue: old oaks, a stone wall,... Read More

Net Savvy Indian Brides and Grooms

India is a diverse, multi-cultural country with people of various... Read More

Slash Your Wedding Ceremony Bills

When it comes to your wedding services alone, nobody wants... Read More

Wedding Loans in the UK ? Saving Future from the Present Wedding Expenses

It is wrong if you thought that typical British weddings... Read More

7 Stupid Wedding Mistakes Even Smart Couples Make

"What in the world could they have been thinking?"Definitely words... Read More

Cancun Honeymoon Vacation - Pleasure Unlimited!

The Cancun honeymoon vacation comes with its bagage of sweet... Read More

Faulty Expectations: 4 Essential Don?ts

The more realistic you are as you prepare for marriage,... Read More

How to Choose Your Wedding Shoes

Wedding day is known as the most unforgettable day in... Read More

Eight Cheap Honeymoon Ideas for Couples on a Budget

Between paying for the wedding and setting up a new... Read More

Who Wants to Be Rich?

Well you may not become a billionaire or even a... Read More

Wedding Photography: Preserving the Memories

A person's wedding can be one of the most important... Read More

The History of Engagement Rings and Wedding Bands

These days, many people take wedding bands and engagement rings... Read More

Bridesmaids Gifts: a Token of Love, Appreciation and Affection

No one has as much fun as the bride to... Read More

Marriage Problems: Help in Preventing Them

When we want to be successful at something in life,... Read More

Organizing The Wedding Menu

Deciding the menu is a pretty simple affair. Once you've... Read More

Minor But Important Duties For Your Wedding Party, Bridesmaids, and Groomsmen

Your wedding party is a major factor in the success... Read More

Wedding Videography - When Getting it Right on the 1st Take Counts, Hire a Professional

Getting married is one of the most stressful events anyone... Read More

Wedding Speeches Made Easy: Wedding Speech or Best Mans Speech Tips

Have you ever had to give a wedding speech? As... Read More

The Marriage Test

Love should not blind a couple to the realities of... Read More

Advice on Wedding Invitation Wording

After choosing the design for your wedding invitations you can... Read More

Outdoor Wedding Ceremonies ? Keeping Your Guest Comfortable

According to a survey conducted in 2003 by Bride's magazine,... Read More

Marriage Tips: Breathe Your Way to a Happier Marriage

One way to increase your chances of enjoying a happy... Read More

Six Ways to Decorate Your Wedding Arch

Sometimes a wedding arch is a no-brainer way to spruce... Read More

How To Keep Love Alive In Your Marriage

In the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have... Read More

Basic Tips for Planning a Wedding

Planning a wedding should be fun and exciting. However, if... Read More

Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Wont Talk

How to get a spouse's attention so that he or... Read More

Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage

Hearing that your cheating spouse is "in love" with someone... Read More

Wedding and Bridal Jewelry

So your not one of those fabulous actresses or models... Read More

Wedding Web Site Design - How to Design a Wedding Site That Others Will Rave About

If you are in the process of design a wedding... Read More

Cheap Wedding Favors

Planning a wedding of any size or budget can have... Read More

Wedding Reception; From Trendy to Traditional

Wedding receptions are not as formal as they once were,... Read More

Subtle Danger Signals on the Domestic Front

If you've been around long enough, you're aware of the... Read More

Is Your Marriage Sinking?

Reading this article does not necessarily mean that if you... Read More