Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Wont Talk

How to get a spouse's attention so that he or she will communicate with you is an issue that mystifies many couples. Spouses report trying many techniques, such as trying to talk rationally and logically, watching to see when a spouse is in a good mood, and waiting for a time when the television is off. They also share stories of begging, pleading, threatening, and finally, yelling and screaming.

If you are having problems getting your spouse to talk to you and to share feelings and opinions, here are some additional things you can do to facilitate communication. First, you have to grab your spouse's attention, which is what these tips are designed to do.

1.When you're talking to your spouse and start getting overly-emotional, lower your voice instead of raising it. This breaks the pattern of tempers escalating, followed by loud yelling. If your spouse asks what you're doing, just say that you read that lowering your voice was a way to defuse anger. Maybe your partner will decide to try it, too.

2.Write your spouse a letter or e-mail stating your feelings, requests, or questions. Include how not talking about or resolving the issues is affecting you. For example, you might say, "When you call me horrible names, I feel like I've been betrayed. I don't want anything to lessen my love for you, but I know that if this continues, I won't feel the same way toward you. Can we please agree not to call each other names (or can we make an appointment with a marriage counselor, etc.)?"

3.Buy a cute, funny, or clever greeting card and include a note asking if you can schedule a time to talk to him when you both will be uninterrupted. Some spouses have an easier time talking to their partner in a restaurant over dinner, so you could suggest making plans for going out for a meal.

Obviously, you wouldn't want to discuss your most emotional issues in public, but maybe you could use the occasion to handle some relatively routine things. And then agree on a future time to talk about the more sensitive topics.

4.When you give your spouse a card or note asking if you can schedule a time to talk, include his or her favorite candy bar or a package of chewing gum-some small item that shows you pay attention to what your partner likes. With a candy bar, you might attach a note that says, "To my sweet Sweetie-could you please let me know when we can schedule a time to talk? Thanks so much. Enjoy the candy!"

5.Make a written list of your questions and include a "yes" and "no" box next to the question. Also include boxes that say "Undecided" and "Need More Details." Be as specific as you can. For example, you might make a list of possible activities and places to go on a "date night" and ask your partner to respond. In that case, you would put a category of "Other suggestions" at the bottom so your spouse could include additional ideas. Or you could make a list of possible times during the week that the two of you could reserve for private talks. Another idea is to make a list of things you think are important to resolve, and see if your spouse agrees or disagrees.

6.Look for something to "trade" with your spouse, such as offering to take the kids to a movie so your spouse can have friends over or enjoy some private time to relax. In return, negotiate for an uninterrupted time to discuss pertinent relationship issues-maybe a relative can keep the children or they can spend a weekend afternoon with friends. Or you might offer to do a certain chore that your partner detests doing in exchange for some "talk time," which your spouse may equate with being slowly tortured. Make a creative trade-off.

7.Just because you think the tips won't work, don't prematurely discount them. I have worked with numerous clients in marriage counseling who have tried these tips or variations of them, and the results have often been amazing. Spouses who don't normally express feelings verbally sometimes respond in writing, much to the astonishment of their partners. In other cases, spouses who receive letters have initiated conversations about how the letter has opened their eyes to things they didn't realize before.

Use these seven tips to jumpstart your thinking about different ways to open communication channels with your spouse. And if one attempt falls flat, try another. That's what all successful researchers do-and they don't hide behind the words, 'It'll never work." Experiment with an open mind and you may be surprised at the results.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get weekly ideas and support to help you improve your marriage. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

---

Low Budget Wedding Reception

The reception alone will bust your wedding budget if you're... Read More

Dallas Wedding Receptions

The most important day of your life is drawing near... Read More

3 Steps to Marrying the Right Person

Marrying for love, financial security and/or companionship does not guarantee... Read More

Wedding Receptions: How To Set Up The Tables

Getting the wedding tables right can make a big difference... Read More

The Perfect Wedding Budget

Creating a wedding budget is one of the first things... Read More

A Wedding Shower Checklist

Bridal showers are one of many pre-wedding parties and are... Read More

Wedding Planning

Depending on your personal preferences and the preferences of your... Read More

Wedding Etiquette for the Best Man, Groomsmen, and Ushers

Undoubtedly, the groom will want to choose a few good... Read More

Get Organized for Wedding Planning!

You've had friends to your home for dinner. Maybe you've... Read More

Your Wedding Flowers - What Are Your Choices?

Your wedding flowers usually tie to your wedding theme. When... Read More

5 Tips To Select The Best Wedding Reception Location

Being disc jockeys, we get the opportunity to evaluate many... Read More

Wedding Favors, a Special Thank You for Your Guests

Wedding favors are as unique and varied as the couples... Read More

How To Tell An Extraordinary Wedding Disc Jockey From Someone Who Could Ruin Your Reception

You have your band (around your finger), now it's time... Read More

The Wedding Aisle - Who is Walking You Down it?

Choosing who should walk down the aisle with you is... Read More

Considering Success in Marriage

Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and... Read More

Saving Money on Your Wedding Reception Using Reception Themes

Just like weddings, receptions are often theme based as well.... Read More

How to Nurture Intimacy When Youre in a Long-Distance Marriage

The biggest problem long-distance spouses often face is how to... Read More

How to Have a Dream Wedding on a Budget

No one wants to pay more than they have to... Read More

Wedding Invitation Tips and Advice

You're well into planning your wedding and have finally decided... Read More

Mens Wedding Bands ? A Whole World Of Choice

Mens wedding bands are an emerging phenomenon. Whilst women have... Read More

Is Your Marriage Sinking?

Reading this article does not necessarily mean that if you... Read More

Wedding Rings ? Through the Ages and for All Eternity

The exact origin of the wedding ring is uncertain and... Read More

Ten Ways to Have an Irish Wedding

Honor your Emerald Isle heritage with traditions that are romantic,... Read More

A Honeymoon Like No Other

When it comes to choosing a honeymoon destination it's usually... Read More

Planning Your Wedding - How To Get Organized

You have purchased the latest bridal magazines from your local... Read More

Choosing a Maui Wedding Photographer

You can rest assured that the charm of your Maui... Read More

The Charm of Homemade Wedding Favors

Homemade wedding favors come from a centuries old tradition of... Read More

50th Wedding Anniversary Gift Ideas

A 50th anniversary gift commemorates a milestone most married couples... Read More

Minor But Important Duties For Your Wedding Party, Bridesmaids, and Groomsmen

Your wedding party is a major factor in the success... Read More

Marriage Counseling: What Do Wives Really Want in a Husband? Part One

Numerous men have pondered the questions, "Why does my wife... Read More

Terrific Advice Concerning Destination Weddings As Shared By Two Gurus On The Topic

Today Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel.com & Bookpleasures.com is pleased... Read More

How to Choose Your Wedding Shoes

Wedding day is known as the most unforgettable day in... Read More

Weddings - Who Pays For What?

Of course, times have changed and there are occasions where... Read More