How Santa Makes Out His Christmas List

How Does Santa Make Out His List?

I'll let you in on a secret: I know Santa Claus. And I received a letter from him with his Christmas list.

"Dear Kristin,

"Thank you for the homemade cookies last year. For some reason, people seem to forget that I'm not planning to lose weight, thank you very much. I don't have a peanut allergy and I'm not lactose intolerant. Up here at the North Pole, we don't get nonsense like that. But you wouldn't believe some of the notes I get in lieu of cookies.

"'Santa, you're too fat, get real, love Dr. Phil?Dear Santa, you're in violation of the no-fly zone, signed, the Coalition?Dear Santa, you're using slave labor and oppressing our elf minorities, peace, the Rev. Jesse Jackson?Dear Santa, you're cruel to reindeer, sincerely, PETA?Dear Infidel Santa, we shall eliminate you, signed al-Qa'eda.'

"I was never designed to be politically correct. Right jolly old elf and all that. I'm tired of all this nonsense from people who have forgotten what Christmas used to stand for.

"So, here's my Christmas list. I won't stop delivering toys, but I will start at least expecting a little something in return after all these years.

"1. Dear al-Qa'eda: I have nothing against Allah. Or Jesus Christ or Buddha or anybody's God. I dislike murder in the name of religion. I deliver to all the children who you're going to someday teach to blow themselves up. I deliver love. Your mullahs always say Islam is a religion of love and peace. And for the record, several of my elves are gay. Do I hate them? No.

"2. Dear television news media: Please stop saying 'Christmas stress.' You create Christmas stress. Thousands of miracles happen every day from babies being born to people being rescued to children deciding that someone else needs help. And yet you deliberately choose to talk about alcoholism, murder, sex, family quarrels, and above all, endless materialism. Not to mention celebrities. Who elevated these people to all-knowing status? Who cares what Christmas toy they buy or endorse? And please stop criticizing people for having religious beliefs. If the President of the United States can't express faith in God, there is something wrong with this world. You are only helping those who use religion as an excuse for hatred and greed.

"3. Dear celebrities: Stop making movies where I am the bad guy. There is precious little wonder and innocence in children's lives. And while you're at it, stop taking your clothes off and blowing up people in your films. Give me more 'Seabiscuit.' Steven Spielberg is always on my nice list. I loved the 'Shrek' movies.

"4. Dear advertising executives: Stop using me to sell things that no one uses. We don't need all this stuff. It's getting in the way of our family time, our planet's well-being, our faith and our happiness.

"5. Dear parents: Please stop telling children I don't exist, that I'm evil, and that it's not necessary to be good all year because you will buy them what they want. Whatever happened to kindness? To being good just because it makes someone happy? Because it's the right thing? I can tell you right now that there are quite a few kids, and several of you, who are getting coal in their stockings. It's tough love, which is what you do when someone's headed down the wrong road. It's called parenting and I've got millions of your children to help raise. Hey, at least I'm not the government. Or the television. By the way, turn off all those electronic devices and spend time with your families. I know that there are plenty of you out there who would give your right arm to be able to do just that. I love children. And I love all of you too.

"6. Dear Dr. Phil: I'm happy just the way I am. Thank you.

"7. Dear PETA: You're getting too extreme. My reindeer have better working conditions than in industrialized nations.

"8. Dear Rev. Jesse Jackson: When my elves have the victim consciousness, high teen pregnancy rate, high arrest rate, high drug use rate, and lack of education that your followers have, then I'll consider emancipating them.

"9. Dear Coalition: God and I were here first. I'm immune from no-fly zones and I don't play politics. I do however support the military.

"10. Dear Jesus Christ, YHVH, Allah, Buddha, Great Spirit, et al.: Keep up the good work.

"Love, Santa.

"P.S. from Mrs. Claus: Will women please stop trying to be a size 2?"

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout?

Movie reviewer/screenwriter Kristin Johnson composes personalized poems, speeches, toasts, vows, and family memories. Visit http://www.poemsforyou.com to order your personalized memories. She is also co-author of the Midwest Book Review "enthusiastically recommended" pick Christmas Cookies Are For Giving: Stories, Recipes and Tips for Making Heartwarming Gifts (ISBN: 0-9723473-9-9). A downloadablemedia kit is available at our Web site, http://www.christmascookiesareforgiving.com, or e-mail the publisher (info@tyrpublishing.com) to receive a printed media kit and sample copy of the book. More articles available at http://www.bakingchristmascookies.com

---

Honor Mothers: Song Remembers Mom Forever

In the spirit of Mother's Day, two songwriters are sharing... Read More

Tips for Planning an Egg-stra Special Easter Party

Bunnies & chicks, colourful eggs, and the hunt for hidden... Read More

Mothers Day: 5 Gift Ideas Guaranteed To Make Any New Mom Happy

Sure, you can call it a Hallmark holiday. But don't... Read More

Easter Party Ideas

Easter marks the start of spring and is a sacred... Read More

Choosing A Great Gift For A Polar Bear Lover

Do you know someone who is absolutely crazy about polar... Read More

Christmas Shopping for a New Love

Christmas is a magical time of year, especially for those... Read More

Christmas Holidays: 5 Ways To Make This Holiday Your Best Ever

For many people the end of a year is a... Read More

Santa Goes Low Carb!

North Pole- The word is out! Due to an "unpublished... Read More

Celebrating the ME in MumME

Another Mother's Day is upon us. A day in which... Read More

Thanksgiving

I was not planning to write this article. Instead, I... Read More

Beyond All Tied Up With A Bow - Great Tips for Creating Beautifully Wrapped Holiday Gifts

No matter what the season, packages make a statement even... Read More

A Diamond Christmas 2004!

When Archduke Maximillian of Austria bestowed a diamond ring on... Read More

How to Put Some Sizzle in Your Summer Parties: 5 Ways to be a Gracious Host and a Great Guest

Now that the hot weather is finally here, we are... Read More

Country Christmas Idea: Milkweek Pod Poinsettia Ornaments

Country Christmas Idea: Milkweed Pod Poinsettia OrnamentsAt first glance, milkweed... Read More

Bust Holiday Stress!

The holidays will be here before you know it. Clear... Read More

Is Buying a Gift for Mom as Difficult for You as it is for Me?

I have walked through a countless number of stores searching... Read More

Successful Holiday Gift Giving Starts with a Plan

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas and the... Read More

5 Things Your Christmas Table Should Not Be Without

Christmas dinner probably the most elaborate and complex dinners you... Read More

Christmas Decorating Ideas - Edible Ornaments

Although it is now more decades away than I care... Read More

Top 50 Christmas Quotations

"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving... Read More

Father?s Day Gift Idea: Do-It-Yourself Backyard Pond Kit

This Father's Day, sit back and enjoy a nice cold... Read More

Some Valuable Steps On Applying Clown Makeup! Seriously, Were Not Clowning Around Here

Who doesn't love being a clown? It's a great costume... Read More

Holiday Times Are For Helping Those Less Fortunate, Think Holiday Cards

Every year I watch as advertisers begin to promote their... Read More

Fourth of July Quotes

MADRID ? For millions of Americans, this Fourth of July... Read More

How To Choose The Hotel Thats Right For You

Getting the right hotel to spend one~s vacation at is... Read More

Anniversary Gift Ideas Year by Year, the First Nineteen Years

It's impossible to remember what gift is traditional for each... Read More

Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween is an exciting night for children and a busy... Read More

Halloween Costumes...for Pets!

One of the best things about Halloween, is wearing a... Read More

A Thankful Thanksgiving

You may be wondering why I would call this article... Read More

Christmas Lights Add Sparkle To The Holidays

Electric Christmas lights have been around since the 1880's. It... Read More

Do It Yourself Gifts

Sometimes gifts that you purchase are not as personalized as... Read More

Tis The Season For Love ? and Stress!

The holidays are upon us and for many people this... Read More

Little Helpers in the Holiday Kitchen

The holiday season is a wonderful opportunity to allow your... Read More