What are friends for and how can a friendship be tested? By behaving altruistically, would be the most common answer and by sacrificing one's interests in favour of one's friends. Friendship implies the converse of egoism, both psychologically and ethically. But then we say that the dog is "man's best friend". After all, it is characterized by unconditional love, by unselfish behaviour, by sacrifice, when necessary. Isn't this the epitome of friendship? Apparently not. On the one hand, the dog's friendship seems to be unaffected by long term calculations of personal benefit. But that is not to say that it is not affected by calculations of a short-term nature. The owner, after all, looks after the dog and is the source of its subsistence and security. People ? and dogs ? have been known to have sacrificed their lives for less. The dog is selfish ? it clings and protects what it regards to be its territory and its property (including ? and especially so - the owner). Thus, the first condition, seemingly not satisfied by canine attachment is that it be reasonably unselfish.
There are, however, more important conditions:
For a pattern of behaviour to be described as "friendship", these four conditions must be met: diminished egoism, conscious and intelligent agents, identical mental states (allowing for the communication of the friendship) and non-deterministic behaviour, the result of constant decision making.
A friendship can be ? and often is ? tested in view of these criteria. There is a paradox underlying the very notion of testing a friendship. A real friend would never test his friend's commitment and allegiance. Anyone who puts his friend to a test (deliberately) would hardly qualify as a friend himself. But circumstances can put ALL the members of a friendship, all the individuals (two or more) in the "collective" to a test of friendship. Financial hardship encountered by someone would surely oblige his friends to assist him ? even if he himself did not take the initiative and explicitly asked them to do so. It is life that tests the resilience and strength and depth of true friendships ? not the friends themselves.
In all the discussions of egoism versus altruism ? confusion between self-interest and self-welfare prevails. A person may be urged on to act by his self-interest, which might be detrimental to his (long-term) self-welfare. Some behaviours and actions can satisfy short-term desires, urges, wishes (in short: self-interest) ? and yet be self- destructive or otherwise adversely effect the individual's future welfare. (Psychological) Egoism should, therefore, be re-defined as the active pursuit of self- welfare, not of self-interest. Only when the person caters, in a balanced manner, to both his present (self-interest) and his future (self-welfare) interests ? can we call him an egoist. Otherwise, if he caters only to his immediate self-interest, seeks to fulfil his desires and disregards the future costs of his behaviour ? he is an animal, not an egoist.
Joseph Butler separated the main (motivating) desire from the desire that is self- interest. The latter cannot exist without the former. A person is hungry and this is his desire. His self-interest is, therefore, to eat. But the hunger is directed at eating ? not at fulfilling self-interests. Thus, hunger generates self-interest (to eat) but its object is eating. Self-interest is a second order desire that aims to satisfy first order desires (which can also motivate us directly).
This subtle distinction can be applied to disinterested behaviours, acts, which seem to lack a clear self-interest or even a first order desire. Consider why do people contribute to humanitarian causes? There is no self-interest here, even if we account for the global picture (with every possible future event in the life of the contributor). No rich American is likely to find himself starving in Somalia, the target of one such humanitarian aid mission.
But even here the Butler model can be validated. The first order desire of the donator is to avoid anxiety feelings generated by a cognitive dissonance. In the process of socialization we are all exposed to altruistic messages. They are internalized by us (some even to the extent of forming part of the almighty superego, the conscience). In parallel, we assimilate the punishment inflicted upon members of society who are not "social" enough, unwilling to contribute beyond that which is required to satisfy their self interest, selfish or egoistic, non-conformist, "too" individualistic, "too" idiosyncratic or eccentric, etc. Completely not being altruistic is "bad" and as such calls for "punishment". This no longer is an outside judgement, on a case by case basis, with the penalty inflicted by an external moral authority. This comes from the inside: the opprobrium and reproach, the guilt, the punishment (read Kafka). Such impending punishment generates anxiety whenever the person judges himself not to have been altruistically "sufficient". It is to avoid this anxiety or to quell it that a person engages in altruistic acts, the result of his social conditioning. To use the Butler scheme: the first-degree desire is to avoid the agonies of cognitive dissonance and the resulting anxiety. This can be achieved by committing acts of altruism. The second-degree desire is the self-interest to commit altruistic acts in order to satisfy the first-degree desire. No one engages in contributing to the poor because he wants them to be less poor or in famine relief because he does not want others to starve. People do these apparently selfless activities because they do not want to experience that tormenting inner voice and to suffer the acute anxiety, which accompanies it. Altruism is the name that we give to successful indoctrination. The stronger the process of socialization, the stricter the education, the more severely brought up the individual, the grimmer and more constraining his superego ? the more of an altruist he is likely to be. Independent people who really feel comfortable with their selves are less likely to exhibit these behaviours.
This is the self-interest of society: altruism enhances the overall level of welfare. It redistributes resources more equitably, it tackles market failures more or less efficiently (progressive tax systems are altruistic), it reduces social pressures and stabilizes both individuals and society. Clearly, the self-interest of society is to make its members limit the pursuit of their own self-interest? There are many opinions and theories. They can be grouped into:
The French have a saying: "Good bookkeeping ? makes for a good friendship". Self-interest, altruism and the interest of society at large are not necessarily incompatible.
About The Author
Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and the editor of mental health categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, and searcheurope.com.
His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com
Frequently asked questions regarding narcissism: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html
Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Suite101: http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd
Surviving an affair can be a very traumatic experience. Partners... Read More
Falling in love is a process that one cannot stay... Read More
We've all looked back on past relationships and said, "What... Read More
Question: What % of your bad moods at work are... Read More
The first step in using feng shui to attract a... Read More
How do I draw a soulmate into my life? You... Read More
Q. It seems that no matter what magazine I am... Read More
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More
In my relationship work, this question is probably the one... Read More
I believe that we have all heard of the standard... Read More
Watching television's "sitcom's", I can't help but notice that most... Read More
One day a telegram arrived at a man's door. When... Read More
1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line. Who... Read More
Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now.... Read More
"They may forget what you said, but they will never... Read More
"and they lived happily ever after...That is how our favorite... Read More
Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true... Read More
Everything in life, in order to be a success, requires... Read More
Infidelity studies indicate that the percentage of cheating wives is... Read More
My Dear Lover,Soon or later, you and your beloved will... Read More
One of the keys to obtaining a better life or... Read More
WhenWe all need to consider our ways. So many times... Read More
One of the most commonly asked questions, What is Love?... Read More
When you've had your heart broken in a relationship, it... Read More
What is the basic difference between loving someone and being... Read More
So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily... Read More
I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break... Read More
Q: I can't believe I'm asking this question, because I... Read More
A revelation came to me at the most unsuspecting time.... Read More
People who have been swept off their feet know the... Read More
Every woman dreams of meeting that special man that knows... Read More
As there are different types of women, there are different... Read More
As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part... Read More
Dear Lucia,I know I made a stupid mistake but what... Read More
Yesterday, after receiving a massage to help ease my computer-aided... Read More
Families are made up of individuals; men, women, and children.... Read More
I was 43 years old and still looking for love.... Read More
"Stick and stones, may break my bones, but words will... Read More
Everything was great.We had been dating for 6 months. We... Read More
Without wasting much time, here are some of the personality... Read More
Joke from a Woman to another Woman "Some husbands are... Read More
Whether you've been in a relationship for a long time,... Read More
Breaking up.The End. The journey is over. You feel rejected.... Read More
What is Hoodie-Hoo Day and what does it have to... Read More
In the last couple of weeks, the catholic war machine... Read More
Work. Bills. Kids. Chores.Etc.All these things get in the way... Read More
We have all heard the wonderfully romantic stories of pen... Read More
AS I STARED at the sunset, I marveled at its... Read More
"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to... Read More
Throughout centuries, story tellers, and people from different background and... Read More
What drives a woman to cheat may look a lot... Read More
There comes a point in every relationship when the person... Read More
What are the things you argue about? Where are the... Read More
The next morning he /or she is gone. And because... Read More
It has taken me 40 years to learn exactly how... Read More
Some soul mate couples refuse to grow. They refuse to... Read More
This is one of the most difficult parts of a... Read More
Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at... Read More
It seems that no matter how much we love someone,... Read More
As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More
I believe that we have all heard of the standard... Read More
There is an old expression, which may sound trite, but... Read More
When we first meet someone, regardless of the way or... Read More
The famous three words we never hear enough of in... Read More
Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last... Read More
Ending a relationship is never easy. When you feel you... Read More
Relationship |