Lifebooks: Every Adopted Child Needs One

Information is gold when you are adopted. Every tiny piece is precious, whether it's a photo or quote from the orphanage staff. LifeBooks help put all the information pieces together in a way that helps your child make sense of, and ultimately feel good, about his/her history.

People often ask me, "What is a LifeBook?" I will respond, "It's the best gift you can ever give an adopted child." A LifeBook is a record of an adoptee's life that uses words, photos, your child's artwork, computer graphics, and memorabilia."

But it's more than a life story. It is a unique opportunity for parents to honor every minute of their child's life. A LifeBook is an adoption security blanket. It makes talking about adoption feel like everyday conversation. Putting your child's life story on paper is such a simple concept. Who would have guessed that the benefits are countless?

"?my daughter's LifeBook only brought us closer and increased her trust in me?" Mary McGuire, adoptive mom of seven- year-old Cassie, adopted from China

Yes, the concept is simple. Is a LifeBook therefore easy to write? Maybe--maybe not.

The stories and photos abound once a child enters his/her family. (How many boxes of pictures do you have stored away?) But that's not the child's beginning. Imagine a picture of someone that gets cut off at the knees. This is what it feels like not to have or to discuss your history. Adoptees end up with a floating or numb sensation with no roots to attach to.

I should know. I spent my first five months in foster care before being adopted. I listened carefully to the silences around adoption during my childhood.

Some families are reluctant to consider a LifeBook. " We have no information-- how can we write when we know nothing?" There are now a number of creative ways to work with little or no information. Ironically, it becomes even more critical for the child with little biographical data to have a LifeBook. Just because a child doesn't talk about "it" doesn't mean s/he isn't thinking about the other parts of his/her life. Often it's that pre-photo period, which adoptees crave to know more about.

It's that sense of missing pieces that can affect attachment or concentration for adopted children. LifeBooks can fill in the missing pieces with words, artwork, and photos, if available. The words will create pictures when none exist.

?. my Mother is a social worker who now uses LifeBooks in her work. I wish LifeBooks were available 22 years ago?maybe I wouldn't have so many unanswered questions?Kate age 22, adult adoptee from Colombia, herself a new social worker.

Adopted children often have secret thoughts about why they were adopted. Many believe that somehow they are responsible for the separation from their birth family. At the age of six I decided that my birth parents died in a plane crash in Africa. I didn't tell a soul. Then I changed the story. It was always death. It's the power of magical thinking.

LifeBooks help reduce magical thinking and fantasy. They free up an adoptee to pay better attention in school. Or to be more available to focus on talents and interests. Better for a child to be out playing soccer or painting a picture than to be fantasizing endlessly about "what happened."

If your child comes from another country, be aware that it's important to discuss the country's conditions and/or rules for adoptions. Often this is the only explanation a child has as to why s/he was placed. LifeBooks are the ultimate teaching tool and they can save hours of therapy later in life.

Remind your children of the ways they are connected to their adoptive family, despite not looking like you. This may be in the form of similar voice patterns, talents, food choices or interests. It took me 45 years to figure out that I got my dry sense of humor from my adoptive father. (OK, so I was a little slow) Never assume that your child doesn't want to be reminded of these connections often. They bear repeating.

In his/her story, make your child the star and celebrate both their resiliency and survival.

?. Sara's Story?What better way to welcome her than by preparing and preserving her history with a LifeBook??Mimi Robins, adoptive grandmother of 4 year-old-old Sara, from China

Help your children to feel proud of their own strengths and the strengths of their birth parents. As Corinne Rayburn, LCSW, LMFT says, " birth families are like in laws?you didn't pick them but have to [accept] them." If you don't have any information, then look to your child's talents and wonder if perhaps they got their artistic talents from that unknown birth father.

The "birthparent page" of a LifeBook really helps out with those tough adolescent years when identity issues begin to peak. The more your child knows, the more that s/he will feel "real."

Some would argue "Our family is very open and always talks about adoption, so why write it down?" Because a book that you and your child can pick up and hold, gives the adoptee control over his/her own story. A child can look at it when the urge hits, without having to ask. It becomes symbolic for adoption discussion.

" Mama read me my LifeBook." Or "Where's my LifeBook, I want to show it to my friend"?. The older a child gets, the more tools a family needs to communicate on adoption issues.

If you are starting to think that LifeBooks are very powerful, you may be wondering where to begin. Here are a few suggestions from Dr. Vera Fahlberg, national adoption expert:

? start with the child's birth

? always discuss the birth mother and birth father( even if you know nothing say that you don't know)

? talk about the reason for separation from the biological family

I like to include the original birth certificate (if available). This official record always fascinates children of any age. Court papers or official records will suffice if no birth certificate is available.

Once you have laid the foundation with birth history, then add the fun part, the time when they joined your family. Don't get caught up in creating the "perfect" LifeBook. LifeBooks become worn and torn and more beautiful with age. The only real mistake you can make is never to begin.

The ultimate MAGIC to creating a treasured LifeBook is to start it, work on it as a family, and give it your child. Even if it only has five pages, it is tangible proof to your child that s/he is precious enough to deserve this treasure.

By Beth O'Malley M.Ed., adoptee, adoptive Mom & author of LifeBooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child copyright 2005 Sign up for LifeBook Lessons ( no charge) at www.adoptionlifebooks.com/signup.htm

---

Selecting A Quality Day Care Center

Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care... Read More

How to Create an Emotional Bond with Your Child

One of the most powerful tools that parents have for... Read More

Why Wont My Child Do as I Say?

In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is... Read More

A Place For Everything: Its Childs Play

What parent hasn't gone into a son's or daughter's room... Read More

Children Need Roots and Wings

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas SalkThe... Read More

Getting Through to Your Teenager

Have you ever watched your teenager make a mistake (that... Read More

ADD / ADHD Children : Being Your Childs Best Friend

Do you live with an ADD / ADHD child? If... Read More

Teaching Children Good Manners

Last week in my newsletter, I mentioned that... Read More

Remember The Generation Gap?

The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children... Read More

School Issues: When Should an ADHD Child Be Held Back In School?

This can be a very complicated issue, so I don't... Read More

Moms - Get More Energy Now

Let's be honest! When it comes to parenting, men expect... Read More

Natural Disasters: Help Your Child Cope With The Anxiety

How on earth can you help your family cope with... Read More

Does Sexual Abuse Usually Occur Just Once?

Your daughter tells you that Uncle Charley has touched her... Read More

What Should I Know About Strattera for ADHD?

Strattera came out around January of 2003, and is becoming... Read More

Babys First Month at a Glance

Congratulations on your new baby! You have just brought your... Read More

Consistent Boundaries Makes Discipline Easier

Homes should be run by parents, not children. So many... Read More

Raise Your Child to Be a Leader Not a Follower

Your child's leadership skills begin at the family dinner table.... Read More

5 Steps to Raising an Optimistic Child

I had just completed a session with 17-year old Julie... Read More

Internet Dangers - Protecting Children from Internet Jeopardy

Parents are in a unique position to "monitor" their children's... Read More

Educational Toys And Childrens Books - A Must For Optimal Childhood Development

The brightly colored plastic mobile dangles lazily overhead in the... Read More

Are Parents Trying Too Hard?

One of the implications of the current trend toward smaller... Read More

Bullies

Bullies are an ugly but very real part of childhood.... Read More

What Values Are We Giving Our Children?

On a bright Sunday morning, a couple of weeks ago,... Read More

Entering Their Imaginative World

In dealing with children with autism spectrum disorders, its all... Read More

Its a Sick World

It's no joy to be sick. It's even less joy... Read More

The Science of Mother Love

A growing body of scientific evidence shows that the way... Read More

5 Ways To Help Your Kids Do Math

Uh oh.Your kids arrive home with their school reports and... Read More

Personal Responsibility: What It Means and Whose Job is It?

"How many times do I have to tell you to... Read More

Advising Teens? Getting Your Point Across

Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a... Read More

Lead with Love:How Mothers Can Use Their Greatest Strength to Manage Around Their Technical Weakness

My wife and I have been working on a video... Read More

People of the Century by Dan Rather

Dan Rather made a significant and tactical error and got... Read More

Sometimes Our Childrens Questions Answer Our Own

I was changing Ford's diaper the other day when he... Read More

Its OK For Your Child To Be Bored - In Fact, Its Recommended!

NY -- Strange as it may sound, bordom promotes happier,... Read More