Why does Co-dependence arise? Well because two or more individuals make an unconscious contract with each other to try to satisfy the unmet needs of the other. Initially, especially in the case of a couple, this contract is defined as "love". For instance, how many times have you heard yourself or others say something like "I can't live without you". Usually this means "without you my needs won't get met". In other words, "I will start to feel empty, needy, anxious and desperate without my needs being met by you".
The reason that this type of relational contract eventually breaks down is because no one can possibly meet the needs of any other person. Trying to do so would take so much energy and effort that it would essentially deplete the person trying to. Hence at some point the person whose needs are not being satisfied will start to feel disgruntled and perhaps start using the following expression, "you don't love me any more" when what they really mean is "you have broken your contract to meet my needs".
The unfortunate result of such a broken contract is that either the individuals part and try to find someone else to meet their unmet needs or they try to force, or coerce, usually through guilt, the other person into trying to meet their needs. This is when things can get very ugly. So what can be done about this ongoing saga that seems to affect almost all relationships in my view?
Although this may not be met with applause by most individuals reading this article I must say that it becomes necessary to address one's unmet needs one's self. This is the alternative to trying to turn one's partner or friend into becoming one's "new parent". The latter strategy will always fail and leaves one's integrity in tatters. Trust me, I've seen happen hundreds of times.
So how does one address one's needs one's self? In order to begin to address this I offer an example of a common need: "I need you to validate me so I can feel good about myself".
Let's look closely at what this need implies. The need suggests that it is there to help motivate the individual to get the validation he/she needs, so that, it will get met, so that, it will make that individual feel complete, whole, will give them self esteem and self confidence.
In other words that "the need to be validated will make them feel good about themselves".
So what I would like to suggest you do right now, if you wish, is summon up the need to be validated in yourself (if this is something you personally struggle with) and notice whether you feel good about yourself as you are aware of it's effect on you.
Do you feel good about yourself knowing that you have such a need? I doubt it. In fact you may feel somewhat foolish or weakened by having such a toxic need inside you. Is this what you want living inside you?
If not, make some simple statements to the effect that a) you acknowledge that the belief that this need is helping you is false b) that the need itself is toxic to you i.e. it weakens you and leaves you "needy" and c) that you would like the need and the false belief that it helps you feel good about yourself purged from your life.
I will leave it to you to determine for yourself the impact that such a simple process can have on your life and on your relationships. For more help with such issues you can visit the web site below.
Dr. Nick Arrizza is trained in Chemical Engineering, Business Management & Leadership, Medicine and Psychiatry. He is a Key Note Speaker, Author, Stress Management Coach, Peak Performance Coach & Researcher, Specializes in Life and Executive Performance Coaching, is the Developer of a powerful new tool called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) that helps build phyiscal, emotional, mental and spirtual well being by helping to permanently release negative beliefs, emotions, perceptions and memories. He holds live workshops, international telephone coaching sessions and international teleconference workshops on Physical. Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Well Being. Personal Url: http://www.telecoaching4u.com
Many people believe that weddings have to be costly. But... Read More
As a Personal Trainer for brides-to-be, I often get asked... Read More
Ben* has been happily married for 19 years. He recently... Read More
According to a survey conducted in 2003 by Bride's magazine,... Read More
Wedding receptions are expensive affairs and can set you back... Read More
Just like anywhere else in America, there are a variety... Read More
In the dim past of the last century, good time... Read More
If your husband is faithful, you have much to be... Read More
Your lovely fiancée has chosen her 'maids, and now you're... Read More
In Part One, we looked at what wives really want... Read More
He's popped the question. You've chosen a date. And now,... Read More
One of the most memorable days in our lives is... Read More
Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair... Read More
This is intended as a guide to help you plan... Read More
Are you a Bride-to-Be? Wonderful! Congratulations! But what's that enormous... Read More
To paraphrase a song, "Are you doing it more, but... Read More
John's cousin, Grace, is getting married in Liverpool, UK and... Read More
Your true love got down on his knees and asked... Read More
I came across an article today: LOVE AND MARRIAGE THE... Read More
You've been engaged for months, you've made it through planning... Read More
You have made the decision to contact a marriage counselor.... Read More
The purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate the... Read More
The more realistic you are as you prepare for marriage,... Read More
If you are actually planning your Las Vegas wedding reception,... Read More
If you've been around long enough, you're aware of the... Read More
Beach weddings are popular but they do present "special issues".Failing... Read More
Computer printed labels are a time-saver, but they make the... Read More
During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole... Read More
Cookies as wedding favors, create an unique twist on the... Read More
"Las Vegas hotel weddings give you tons of options. You... Read More
Henry Vlll and Elizabeth Taylor, who between them had fourteen... Read More
Fashion Trends and Popular Styles and ColorsThe Wedding Dress ?... Read More
Mexico, a country rich in arts and ancient cultures and... Read More
Sure you want your guests to enjoy themselves at your... Read More
There are so many styles of wedding gown to choose... Read More
Honor your Emerald Isle heritage with traditions that are romantic,... Read More
One of the best benefits of marriage is that you... Read More
Somewhere when you least expected, you find the person who... Read More
Marriage counseling is an investment of money, time, and energy... Read More
Save the Date Cards are announcements that inform your guests... Read More
When it comes to decorating your reception tables, the centerpieces... Read More
Poets, sailors, honeymooners and other romantics have officially declared this... Read More
If you're like most people, you probably entered into marriage... Read More
Ahh . . . sweet romance.The flowers. The chocolate. The... Read More
Your wedding flowers cover all button holes, all the bouquets,... Read More
If you are at all familiar with Las Vegas, you... Read More
Ever since Queen Victoria wed in 1840, however, white has... Read More
The wedding gown is most important choice for a bride... Read More
"Couples who've had sex before marriage will inevitably have sexual... Read More
How do you handle arguments that lead to heated exchanges... Read More
Congratulations! You have found the man of your dreams and... Read More
Rounding up the guys to devour some barbecued red meat... Read More
When it comes to your wedding services alone, nobody wants... Read More
1. Weddings typically can cost you anywhere around $15,000 or... Read More
"Is it better for a woman to marry a man... Read More
Vital tips on making your own wedding invitations - by... Read More
Wedding rings are a symbol of union. A union between... Read More
Thousands of years ago, the Celts, a group of independent... Read More
Nestled in the beautiful Smoky Mountains, Gatlinburg's romantic and beautiful... Read More
These guidelines will help you avoid the three most common... Read More
Brides are looking for different ways to make their wedding... Read More
In the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have... Read More
An anniversary gift is the opportunity to show your loved... Read More
You've made the plunge, you've decided to get married. Congratulations!Don't... Read More
Thanking your wedding party with special gifts is a favored... Read More
Original gift ideas for your Bridesmaids and Bestman.What better way... Read More
Marriage & Wedding |