An Original Perspective on Waging Conflict as a Way to Promote and Restore Self-dignity

Conflict is a fact of life for all of us, but too many painful consequences are generated by avoiding or managing it in the wrong way. When we deal with everybody else day after day in any capacity as leaders or team managers, is inevitable that we will be personally confronted with conflict. Our jobs, our reputation and our own satisfaction level are contingent upon knowing a basic principle to understand interpersonal conflict. If you are a leader, you need to learn and apply this principle in all your interactions with people.

Concerning your original mindset, if you were growing in a family environment where conflict was seen at least as improper and at worst as a disgrace, you have learnt very early on to avoid it. It probably means that you will feel uncomfortable and scared by confrontations, and thus incapacitated to behave in a more balanced way. There is a simple principle that can help you view aggressive interactions through a new lens, and so help you to react in a more appropriate way.

In general, there is plenty of research that shows conflict as the point of confrontation between differing viewpoints. Since no two people view the world exactly the same way, disagreements are quite normal. In fact, anyone who agrees with you all of the time is probably telling you what you want to hear, not what he or she actually believes.

If we could separate logical from emotional aspects of conflict, it would be easier to deal with so many perceived differences. But the deep emotional roots of conflict ascribe different meanings to these differences, and being in any conflict also means to be risking some rejection, disapproval or love withdrawal, which is pretty emotionally painful.

Of course it is rather difficult to face these feelings, so rigid positions cover up anxiety and fear. We demand more and more when we are unable to face internal demands for recognition and support which, of course, are impossible to satisfy with requests for more money or concessions. Regardless, we continue pushing for more awards, making a win-lose victory an empty one.

So, here is the principle: Recognize the hidden signals of fear of rejection, isolation and lack of recognition under the escalating aggressive behavior displayed in front of you

Learn how to address specifically this point, as fast as you can.

Quite often, unrecognized frustration can lead to violence and other kind of aggressive behavior, as the means to find necessary redress. When the hope to obtain some recognition through conflict escalation is lost, what survives is the one-upmanship of competition, which recognizes no bounds set on self or other-preservation. The only thing that matters then is winning at all costs.

Now, we are going to examine three main areas where conflicts occur: in interpersonal one-on-one relationships; in meetings; and in negotiations. Although there are similarities between all of these areas, each one takes a slightly different slant depending on the setting where the conflict occurs. Let's take a look at each one in a little more detail and I will show you how to apply this principle.

Conflicts in interpersonal relationships

Sometimes in interpersonal relationships, such as those between you and one of your employees, or with a friend, there may be a conflict that you are not aware of. If someone who is normally upbeat and friendly toward you suddenly begins avoiding you or being silent or rude, there is usually a reason.

If the person has remained cheerful with everyone else except you, chances are you are dealing with a conflict situation. In these instances, you will want to address the problem by proceeding through the following steps.

• If you assume there is a problem, set up a private face-to-face meeting to discuss the problem with the other person.
• In a non-confrontational manner, ask the person if there is a problem. If his/her answer is "No", inform the person that you value so much the relationship that you will keep asking the question, because you've noticed the behavioral change. Don't go beyond this to assume that you know what the problem is, but let the person explain it, from his/her perspective.
• As you talk, ask for feedback: Am I right on this? Do not defend yourself, by "attacking" the other person with accusations, but listen with an open mind.
• Be sure to listen carefully and show respect for his opinion! Otherwise, you will lose all credibility.
• Take a few minutes to recycle the other person's opinions in your mind, and identify where his comments are right, according to her point of view: why the person experienced the situation as she did.
• The most gracious way out is not to self-defend, or explain or rationalize, but to thank for his/her input.

Now, invite a discussion on the best solution for both sides. "What do you think we could do?"

Conflicts in workplace meetings

Conflicts flaring in the open, in opportunities like meetings can be very disruptive. But they can also be very helpful, if you are prepared and don't take them as a public opportunity for humiliation. Remember, conflicts are disagreements of opinions, with an emotional component included.

The person disagreeing with you is probably raising valid questions, and it may benefit the group to address the issues they are presenting. In fact, by listening to them, you may gain valuable insight into what is and what is not working within your organization. Remember that everybody is watching you, so be gracious: appreciate the feedback and ignore the form.

However, when the person continues past the point of disagreement to the point of disruptiveness, it only means that albeit you have identified the logical aspect of the difference, and addressed it, emotional factors are still lingering on. This person has not received enough confirmation or recognition from you perhaps in other opportunities, and this meeting is another of them.

He is demanding now that this provision of recognition be made in a public setting, by confronting you. What can be done to address this specific kind of confrontation requires an honest assessment of your own leadership capacity, and some fast strategic changes.

Find in yourself the answers to some questions, as: Can you, publicly, find the "grain of truth" in the other person's position and acknowledge it? Can you find areas of agreement between the two positions, and reframe in such a way that both positions are equally included and valued? Can you invite this person to a compromise by including him into further decision-making processes? And, ahead in time, can you keep this person near you by inviting him/her to share his concerns with you in private?

The assumption that "meetings can get out of control," is no longer valid, if you know how to manage confrontations for what they are: a demand for your attention as the person who can validate, support and affirm a person's value.

Conflicts in negotiations

Negotiations are ways to find a middle point or a compromise when there is a difference in appreciations. When you are negotiating with your clients, vendors, or even your employees, it is important to always keep in mind the idea that both parties need to find a Win/Win situation, where both feel respected and appreciated by the other. No one wants to feel like they are giving away something for nothing, because it means that were taken advantage of and that impinges on their self-esteem.

In fact, most conflicts develop, according to our principle, because of one party's perception of being slighted, humiliated or taken advantage of.

In order to avoid these types of situations, there are certain ideas you can apply to increase your chances of a successful negotiation.

• Show appreciation and respect for the other person and his ideas. Avoid any negative or diminishing comment.
• From the beginning, be always the proponent of a courteous, clean process. Don't push or hurry the process, but give time for ideas and interaction to develop.
• Even when your perception tells you that you've been attacked, you can always choose to deny that. Stop cycles of defend-attack immediately, because they are non-productive and escalate fast!
• Try to understand the other person's perspective: communication is more than just listening; try to see their perspective as clearly as yours.
• Check your understanding and summarize often so both sides are always on the same page. Reframe the problem including both perspectives.
• If the matter is not a big concern for you, invite the other person to offer his solution first. Include his ideas with yours when presenting your own proposition.

Managing conflict is not repressing or controlling it, but identifying the hidden needs for recognition that promote the confrontation, and addressing them fast. You can see more applications of this Positive Conflict Principle in the e-book: "Positive Conflicts: How to fight fair and grow your relationships through confrontations into respect and understanding"

You are free to reproduce this article as long as no changes are made and the author's name and site URL are retained.

Neil Warner©2005 All Rights Reserved.

Neil Warner, Conflict Coach
You have the power to transform confrontation into cooperation!
http://www.positiveconflicts.com
Ask for your FREE 5 Lessons Coaching Program!
3415 Galt Ocean Mile, Fort Lauderdale, FL, 33308
Mail to: neil@positiveconflicts.com

---

Dont Hire Squirrels to be Your Top Dogs

Bad hiring decisions cost organizations, both in dollars and lost... Read More

A Fast and Simple Way to Update Your Business

You open your computer, the flashing button says, "We have... Read More

Creativity and Innovation Management - Turning Ideas into Action

The phrase "turning ideas into action" is a Russian doll.Managing... Read More

Managing Performance: Don?t Let Slackers Bring Down Your ?A? Players

As a manager, it is your job to ensure that... Read More

Corporate Governance for Business Owners

It is clear that good Corporate Governance is in the... Read More

Five Strategies To Strengthen Your Company?s Financial Management

Too many businesses wait until a crisis occurs before they... Read More

Using an Appraisal to Benefit Your Organization

PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS BENEFIT THE ORGANIZATION:Appraisals help spot employees with potential... Read More

Innovation Management ? Reducing Hierarchy

Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation... Read More

The Leadership Imperative: Making Your Leadership Your Life

Nearly all leaders I've encountered are underachievers. They're getting a... Read More

Effective Meetings by Phone - Part 1, How to Plan a Teleconference

Teleconferences can be a boon or a bust. On the... Read More

Outsourcing Quiz: Cheap Vs. Good

Someone can say, 'Why do you oppose this?' So I'd... Read More

Project Management - Its Just A Button

I once worked with a developer who showed up at... Read More

Building Shareholder Value Through Your People

Increasing shareholder value is the most important driver for organisations... Read More

Weaknesses of Wishing

When you're starting a business, you might wish for a... Read More

Performance Evaluation: How To Create Change

STEPS TOWARDS GIVING A GOOD APPRAISAL INTERVIEW: Give specific feedback.... Read More

10 Steps When You Need Help in Your Business

If you think ahead and plan, many nightmare panic and... Read More

Problem Solving the Problem Solving Meeting

We go to meetings to share information, to report on... Read More

Turbo-Charge Your Rollout with ERM

Employees are the often-neglected stakeholders in the success or failure... Read More

Critical Success Factors - Next

The Critical Success Factors Focusing on the... Read More

Action Learning: Its More Than OJT

For centuries companies have used on-the-job training (OJT). OJT works... Read More

Truth or Consequences: How to Give Employee Feedback

In the bestseller, Good to Great, Jim Collins discovered that,... Read More

Where Else in Your Business Do You Accept a 60% Failure Rate?

I recently surveyed CEOs and Business Leaders of large companies... Read More

What to do When You receive a Bad Check

As a small business operator, personal checks may be one... Read More

Forecasting Support Costs

Did you know that maintenance accounts for 50% to 80%... Read More

Dialogue vs. Discussion

Have you ever sat in a meeting where everyone is... Read More

Executive Performance -- Whos to Blame for Incompetent Managers?

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal raised the... Read More

Is Your Brain Getting the Memory Full Message? 5 Ways to Free Up Room on Your Brains Hard Drive

Lynn was tapped to head up the project team for... Read More

Office Politics

Office politics! It's just another way of saying: "The employees... Read More

Steps in Using the Critical Incident Technique

STEPS IN USING THE CRITICAL INCIDENT TECHNIQUE:1) The incident. Read,... Read More

Dividing The Loot

It is when the going gets better, that the going... Read More

Ten Relationship Traits And Skills For Good Leadership

An important aspect of good leadership is the ability to... Read More

Diversity in the Workplace

As you look around your office, is everyone just like... Read More

The New Five Truths of Employee Motivation

Motivation is a term that is so widely used, yet... Read More